You should pick up the phone. Seriously. I’m in a similar situation as you. The difference is my dad isn’t calling. I could write a 1,000 articles about him and I honestly don’t think he would call me. I believe it would make him even more distant from me (if that’s possible).

I understand your angst, but you put it out there. Don’t take this moment for granted. It’s what you asked for.

wow. this is a deeeeep topic. i’m kind of in the same boat. i’m twenty-two now and my father has been TRYING to pop in and out of my life for most of my life. i guess i’m as stubborn [if not more] as you because i won’t give him the time of day. i dodge phone calls, change cell numbers, ignore visits, and any type of other attempted communication. he hasn’t been a father to me for a longggg time and whenever i told him about himself i was met with straight attitude and well i’m just not the one. i understand some people feel strongly about what relationships between parents and children *should* be but i’m a firm believer in some things just aren’t meant to be. he has no place in my life. he’s a liar and somewhat of a rolling stone but i harbor no ill feelings towards him…actually i harbor no feelings towards him: you just do you, i’mma do meeeee :]

Dude, call your dad. At this point, it’s not about right or wrong. Yes, you are the child in this situation, but you are an adult now. And if you want a relationship with your father (and it sounds like you do), you’re going to have to bend. It ain’t right. It just *is.*

I’m in a VERY similar situation with my own Pops. I grew up 700 miles from him. He never visited me. I visited him some summers, but it wasn’t a consistent kind of thing. We went two years without any contact. He made promises he never kept. He wouldn’t pay child support.

When I was 23 and refused to set foot inside his skanky girlfriend’s house, we got into a huge argument and all the things I’d never said finally came out. He ranted, “I’m your father!” over and over in frustration. I looked at him incredulously and yelled back, “You’ve only been my father when it was convenient for you.” I’ve never cried harder than I did that day. It is the worst memory of my life.

That was eight years ago. My dad and I are no better off today than we were then. And like you, I know my romantic relationships have suffered as a result. So the advice I dispensed at the top of this comment is advice that I have a hard time taking. But I know it’s the right move. After all, do I really want to be 35 or 40 years old and still carrying the weight of this? No, I don’t. And I surely don’t want to pass any of this down to my own not-yet-conceived children. This shit ain’t healthy.

When my dad calls these days, I always answer. But the conversation is stilted and short and he usually repeats “I was just calling to make sure you were okay.” It’s as if he doesn’t know what to say. I know he’s scared and nervous and ashamed and self-conscious. And I take pleasure in that. Like you, I feel vindicated somehow. But I never feel better. It’s just a quick high that feels like payback.

I’m not sure what’s salvageable between you and your dad. But it sounds like you’re overdue for another long talk with him. So the next time he calls during the game or your nap or whatever, stop what you’re doing and initiate that conversation. It’s not fair, brotha; but the only person who can fix this is you. For the sake of your own future as a husband and father, it’s worth fixing.

Umm well at least Sam peaced out and stayed out. Kevin (my father, sperm donor, a$$hole, w/e) would play peek-a-boo with my sister and I. Visitation every other weekend, and maybe he’s show up, maybe he wouldn’t– it all depended on the way the sun shined and the wind blew. I mean, it was tough, but living in the inner city most of the time the other kids didn’t have their pops either, so it made it a bit easier to relate overall. I think it was harder on my sister, considering he still can’t get her birthday right…yeah it’s been 21yrs (Strait Trife).

There are two things that I will never be able to forgive him for. The first was that I heard him with my own two ears deny me as his child. And to make it worse it was to some random bum b*tch that he would hit and quit when he slid through town on his truck routes…SMH. To this day (and that was a year ago) it still pisses me off because as much as I want to fight it, I am just like him. Clearly Nature won over nurture and there isn’t enough Dove and hot water to scrub it away. The second issue is he promised to my half brother “The Boy” (who I do not consider to be my brother…I know its wrong, but f*ck genetics and f*ck what you heard. He got the experiences {ie having his REAL daddy, going to PRIVATE SCHOOL, no bitter angry mom who is at her wits end and can’t see that her abuse is repeating a horrible family cycle.} that I didn’t, so I’ll let him experience life w/o an older sister.) He promised that he would never leave “The Boy” the way he left me and my sister…GEE F*CKIN THANKS!!! Doing right by one child does not make up for all the wrong you did to the others. So I, like you Mr. NWSO, take his calls when I feel like it, or, because I’m still in college, need cash, but I don’t call him and I don’t make calls to “The Boy” like he asks me to, because, Frankly, NWSO, I don’t give a damn! That Boy is not my brother and I don’t have time for him or his Daddy; and that’s the sad, but HONEST, truth.

Interesting. I’m kinda in the same boat but not really. My parents divorced when I was very young (2… and I’m female). I spent most Saturdays with him unless I had something else to do. What’s interesting is that I never felt a connection with him. Ever. I thought he was a nice guy, but I didn’t need him like I needed my mom as a child.

Anyway, fast forward, he dropped out my life when I was 14 and I was GRATEFUL. No more forced afternoons.

He wanted to forge a relationship with me later, but, I don’t have the emotional desire or capacity to extend that kind of energy. I too believe my series of unsuccessful relationships is a result of my non-relationship with my father. At this point, I would only want to address to ensure a successful romantic relationship with the right guy.

Back to you. Deep down, do you really want a relationship with your dad? I agree that when you’re ready, you’ll know and make the move. Only caution is that you want to make sure you get the chance. Not wishing any harm, but I’ve lived through life blows from left field and never got to say my piece.

Sorry for the long post, but you struck a nerve.

Do you have a good relationship with your father/mother?

Unfortunately I did not have a good relationship with my dad. My parents divorced when I was 4 yrs old and basically my dad was emotionally abusive to my mom, he was also a philanderer, and because he chose not to better himself he got intimidated by any woman he was intimately involved with who chose to better herself….and that’s when the emotional abuse and cheating would usually start. He did it the same things to my step-mom.

My dad always looked out for himself first…chid support was scare and irregular ($300 a month for 3 kids…really??) I remember years he would celebrate holidays and birthdays to get on my and my sisters’ good sides and then stop all of a sudden and tell us that we shouldn’t expect to get everything we want out of life…how do you tell that to a 10 yr old kid? And my “favorite” memory was him telling me how I should just get married and have kids when I was about to start college, “because college will never do anything for me anyway and it won’t help me become anything.”

Have they ever tried to mend the relationship?

After the college speech I stopped speaking to my dad…he was diagnosed with MS shortly after that. His health began failing significantly by my senior year in college so I took the high road and forgave him, but by that time he couldn’t even speak so he was never able to say anything to me really to explain why he treated me (and my sisters) the way he did.

If so, were you open to having that discussion?

After the college situation I didn’t want to be bothered…I felt that he could have sad something to me years prior but he chose not to. When I was finally willing to do so he could no longer speak.

Do you think that I’m wrong for dodging my father’s calls?

Somewhat…I mean I think you need to just come out and tell him (if not via phone then in a long letter) that you all need to talk face-to-face because you have a lot to get off of your chest and you don’t feel comfortable doing so over the phone… if he isn’t willing, at least you extended an olive branch.

Is it the responsibility of the delinquent parent or the child to make the first move to mend the relationship?

Sometimes it’s the child’s…I did it with my dad by forgiving him. While I wish my dad had stepped up I will say that some of them feel that they have f*cked things up so bad that they don’t even know how to start mending the relationship.

Is an apology ever enough or does it take more to get over daddy issues?

It takes the apology, time and a sincere effort that he wants to improve the relationship.

Well my dad was in and out of the picture until I told him to stay out at the age of 16. My mom and I have an okay relationship until she gets with a dude and she has a tendancy to play herself (everything comes after that dude). There have been some times that I really needed her but she’d turn her back for a dude. Therefore, there’s some resentment there.

I don’t think either one of them were great parents, nor did they think of how their actions might have effected me later on. The way I grew up made me really particular about what I wanted out of life, what type of parent I will be, and what type of relationships I want. Growing up that way made me a wild child, brutally honest, always marching to the beat of my own drum.

Sometimes I regret telling my dad to stay gone, but I feel like if he loved me, he would’ve always been around, even if him and my moms didn’t work their thing out.

My mom is sort of my best friend or the most important person in the world to me. After her, it’s my brother. My “dad” however is dead as far as I am concerned.

He was a horrible, horrible husband to the woman I love more than my life and I will never forgive him for treating her the way he did. Besides, he was a terrible “dad”. Basically, he is just a waste of oxygen.

But I do not care about him or the situation. There is nothing to dissolve because that chapter was closed years ago. I was the happiest person on the face of the earth when my mom finally left his ass because I had despised him all my life growing up.

However, Ans you do sound as if you want to resolve things between you and your day. You seem to want a relationship with him one way or another. And in that case I agree with what others have said thus far: pick up the phone and call him or answer it when he calls. You never know when the last chance to talk to him will be and you seem like the type of person who would have regrets for the rest of his life if he let his chance to make it right by. Yes, you are the child. But you can be the bigger man, a man he never was, a man he never taught you how to be and thereby lead by example.

hi
i understand you completely, sounds so similar to my relationship with my dad. but here’s the thing – whilst i was deliberating about how or what i was going to do about the situation, my dad died. and now i’d like nothing more than to speak to him, make my peace, understand him better, and learn more about my family. We take so much with us when we die. I wouldn’t have forgiven him his transgressions, but there is so much now i won’t know about myself for not knowing him better. Please don’t make the same mistake. My dad was only 59. RIP Matthew Paul Campbell, 23 August 2009.

I have a great relationship with my Dad so I really can’t relate on that front. All I can say is forgiveness is forgiveness. You have to be honest with yourself about whether or not you want him in your life, or you just feel obligated to have him in your life. After you figure that out you might be able to work out some of those unresolved issues. I do have a niece and nephew who are growing up without a father and I worry about what it will mean when they grow up. I have a lot of friends with Daddy issues and I see the affects it has in their relationships with men. I don’t want my niece to go through all that; trying to find a man to fill that void and etc. Anyway, whether you mend your relationship with your Dad or not, find a way to let go of the resentment. You already know it’s affected your relationships, try to change that.

@anonymous (Pick a screen name it’s easier for dialogue)

I actually did confront my pops for my 30th, I wrote about that in the link posted when I referenced that conversation in the blog above. If you read that you’ll see that it actually went well and I got a lot off my chest.

if not, here it is again:
http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2008/09/05/day-four-dear-father-the-realest-sh-i-ever-wrote-1190/

The point of this post and what I’m feeling/trying to express is that, even though we’ve talked and there’s some residual issues it’s hard over the phone. But really what it boils down to is I’m living my life, which is hectic, and my father always calls at the wrong time or when I’m not in the mental state to have some awkward conversation.

Case in point, he called earlier this week like first thing in the morning when I had just got to work and prepping for a meeting. I can’t have the where-have-you-been convo at that time and in my cube. Other times, he’ll call when I’m finally getting some sleep (I only get like 4 hours a day). Or just at other times when I’m on deadline and avoiding everybody.

And because he’s not a regular part of my life when I do actually have downtime, which is rare cause I’m always doing something, I’d much rather relax then get wrapped up in an emotional convo. I cried enough for this month on the anniversary of my grandfather’s passing.

Yeah, it’s partly excuses, but the point I was trying to make is that his timing just sucks and we can talk when I’m ready or he can book that ticket and we can speak face to face. I haven’t seen him since May 1998. Not to mention his awkward ass conversation skills, which is understandable, but mad annoying when he claims to know me. Negroe please, you could pass me in the street and not know who I am. Real talk.

@Elle

I figure you recall the old daddy posts…

I think really want I want more is a relationship with my extended family that I don’t know at all, like my older sister and my 5 nieces and nephews. My father is the only connecting force to that side.

But it still goes back to me making the time to make those calls more often, and trying to get the money and free time for me and my brother to fly down to the islands to see them.

Do you have a good relationship with your father/mother?

Mom? The bomb diggy! My father? Nope. My father & I had yet another falling out. Strangely enough, I have no anxiety about it. One, I’m quite used to him not being a constant, healthy part of my life. And two, I understand him so, I don’t take it personal anymore. Growing up around family that knew him taught me that it was his personality, not a rejection of me personally. He has a sh*tty relationship with most of the people in my family. It’s who he is – it’s not him doing something to me.

If not, what’s the root of your problems?

The root is that my father has an obssesive need to be the dominant person in any interaction. He doesn’t understand the concept of dente’. (Compromise? What’s that?) If you don’t agree with his take on things, you are the stupidest person alive. Add to this an inability to control his temper or to keep his hands to himself. You can see how this can cause problems.

Have they ever tried to mend the relationship?

No. He has a ’selective memory’. Whatever our altercation was, he goes on like it never occured. It’s really quite frustrating.

If so, were you open to having that discussion?

Yeah, but I know he’s not interested.

Why or why not?

He has consistently shown that that he will never take responsibility for anything. In his mind, he is always without blemish. He’s always right, remember?

Do you think that I’m wrong for dodging my father’s calls?

No. You have to do things in your time. But I will say that if you don’t at least reach out, it could really haunt you if he dies before you make any attempt.

Is it the responsibility of the delinquent parent or the child to make the first move to mend the relationship?

One can only hope that one of you would make a sincere attempt to mend this particular bridge. Who cares which one of you takes the first step?

Is an apology ever enough or does it take more to get over daddy issues?

Talk is cheap. You learned that from the lifetime of empty promises that litter your shared history. But I would suggest that you try to get some sense of resolution. Like you wrote, it’s damaged your ability to have a rich, full life. There was a time when I was afraid to have relationships because I had come to the (mistaken) conclusion that I would end up beating my girlfriends like my father did/does. Then I realized that though I am my father’s son, I am NOT my father. That freed me up in so many ways. And let me tell you, freedom is sooooooooooooooo sweet. Especially when you’ve been locked up (mentally or physically) for a minute.

I sincerely wish you clarity and resolution. The sense of freedom you gain will be so pervasive that it’ll actually change the way you write!

Everyone should know where they comes from. my dad and mom were a fling of love for the moment at least. I am biracial my mothers black and my dad was white. He was married and father three other children I’m the oldest. when I was 14 in my rebellious stage in an argument I told my mom I wanna live with my dad in anger she told me that’s not your dad. Everyday that went by I noticed how different I looked compared to my so called dad,my mother and my siblings. all this happened on my 14 birthday. On my 23 birthbday my mom called me to tell me my fraternal grandmother died I rushed to the corner store to get a paper when i seen this picture of this elegant German white woman I seen myself. I went to the funeral with my daughter in tow to only find out he had died a year earlier. And i was the oldest of his 4 children. I stayed in the back the whole funeral. At the end I planned to just leave before I could his wife introduced her children to me as a friend. we never exchanged words after that. Till this day I wish I could have spoken to him. I am glad however I got to see a fraction of my origin. Talk to your dad, get it all out before its too late. GOOD LUCK!

An addedum:

I have 2 daughters, Kallisse & Sabra: Kallisse is 13 and Sabra is 3. The oldest is my lady’s only child with her ex-husband and the 3-year old is a child we had together. Because of my experiences, I go out of my way to make sure my ladies (all 3 of them!) know they are loved. I know I’m a hard-ass and all that good stuff (I am the daddy…LOL!) but I don’t ever want them to wonder if they are loved. And I’m not sure if I could do this if I didn’t get that clarity & sense of resolution I wish for you and yours. Just thought I’d put that out there.

Good luck!

fhciii

Talking to my father is draining. He cries and cries about the mistakes he’s made but its been years and years and he’s still making them. He has more excuses than a habitual cheating husband. My mom tried and tried to force a relationship, while I was younger I thought it was ok. Eventually you decide whether or not you want a relationship, mom can only do so much. I can’t tell you to pick up the phone, because I don’t.

Talk to him. Make it a priority. If you want to experience the change of healthier relating you must relate in a healthier way.

My parents were very young when they had my late brother and me and we were a battleground in their divorce. I survived the turmoil, he sadly did not.

That said while they are not categorically cut off I do take time outs, especially with my mom. Mostly because I am now and have it seems forever been the mediator in my maternal family and we are dealing with serious elder care issues with me landing as the compromise choice as primary caregiver and I am often emotionally exhausted. I tell her straight up when her stuff is too much for me to meet with patience and compassion and mostly she respects that.

Tell your dad what your hang ups are. Own them. Work on them together. It is hard but definitely worth it because I have an adult relationship with my parents that acknowledges our past but challenges us to work to find ways to keep the love alive.

WOW… I’m sorry to hear this. I came across this blog after reading the Essence article.
A quote in the Our Father prayer is “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…”
I understand the pain you feel towards your dad but even if you don’t want him in your life you should forgive him and move on. My father and I don’t have a great relationship because I felt he abandoned his family when we needed him the most. My mom and her family taught us that he’s the dad God appointed for us. So whether I like it, he’s still my dad.
From my experience with parents, they don’t always make the best choices but that doesn’t mean they dont love us. He probably felt that its better for him to be out of your life than in it. It may not make sense to you until you have children of your own. I’m not excusing what he did because every child needs their father. No matter how bad the situation is consider the fact that it could’ve always been worse. For example, he could’ve stayed and abused you or your mom.
I believe in prayer. Ask God to help you decide whether to keep him in your life.. The bible says if something causes you to sin then do away with it. Only prayer can help you figure that out….
God be with you…..

Well I’m 27 and finally came to the conclusion that I want my mother in my life. Yes she abandoned me. Yes she raised her 4 other children and sent me to Guyana.Yes our relationship has been off and on since I’ve been living in the States. Has the feelings of abandonment affected my romantic relationships, HELL YES.

On Dec 12, 2009, I facilitated a meeting with young women where we discussed familial relationships. While one young woman spoke about her appreciation towards her family; I cried, balled, the stop breathing cry. I was shocked at myself because I’m a private person. But I felt compelled to share the one thing that has been bothering me all of 2009 with everyone. After that episode, I felt sooo good and much lighter. I determined to forge a mother and daughter relationship with the woman I never really considered my mother. A relationship unique to our situation. In my mind, she was replaced by my earth mom(step mom). However, deep down inside I knew mom and I needed to build. My life was yearning for her love, acceptance and I had/have questions.

Fast forward to Xmas eve 09. Mom stopped by my apt for the first time ever and brought my bday gift. It was sooo good to see her. We hadn’t seen each other since 9/08. For the first time in my life I embraced her as my mother. No tears. I felt joy in my heart. Felt so happy she was standing before me. I didn’t look at her with judgement nor criticism.

Since 12/12/09, I decided mom and I would speak more often during the week. I’d make the effort to travel to LI to see her and hoped she’d stop by whenever in Brooklyn. We’d go out and spend a lot of time getting to know each other. I have questions for her and like you Ans, I used to hope she would act like the adult and just talk to me and make the first move. But I’ve realized maybe she’s also scared. Maybe she doesn’t know what to say or how to begin saying it. I’ve forgiven mom. We are all human. Mom probably didn’t know any better at 22 when she had me.

Ans, be the bigger person. If you really want a relationship with your father, you can have it. Stop making excuses. We are all busy. People make time for the things they want to do. Once you make that change within your life and thought process, the universe will respond.

I will not have any regrets. And plan to make the most of my relationship with mom.

What do i do when the child is only 1 years old and the father does everything to avoid him has never seen him but knows he is on this earth without a father?

I think you will know when it’s the right time to make that connection and take the call. There’s nothing to be gained by trying to force it before you get to that place where you are mentally, spiritually and emotionally ready to act on it.

I agree with ArtsyHeartsy, tell him to fly out and see you so ya’ll can talk man to man….

This is really much more complex than “well I think you should…” My mother and I have an interesting relationship. Before becoming a mother myself, I’d say it was horrible. Did it change? No, but I had to change my perspective in order to be a healthy parent and move past being the hurt adult “child”. Things were revealed in that decision, things about fear, failure and pride that keep dead-beat parents from stepping up and keep their hurt children from letting them. There is a sense of entitlement in parenting and childhood that lies at the core of many shattered relationships. Is it easy to expect nothing and accept everything? No, not at all, but at some point if we are going to get any closure we have to accept that some parents just aren’t very good at it, and that is okay-not right, but okay.

At my mother’s 50th birthday I thanked her for teaching me who not to become. Sometimes that’s all we can be grateful for, but it is something.

I feel you on this one. Way more than I should.

My father and I don’t talk much at all anymore. Holidays and birthdays. That’s it. We had a horrible relationship growing up. Calling it abusive doesn’t really do it justice. My mom’s gone now and my dad has tried to reach out to me … I’m a lot more receptive than you’ve been, but I know that dreaded please-get-off-the-phone feeling all too well. He spent my entire childhood treating my mom and siblings like crap — all while lavishing love and attention on his OTHER family across town. He favored his other family and we all knew it. You have no idea how painful it is to hear your sisters talk about how much Daddy loves them more than you. He would also talk shit about my mother to his other family and has the nerve to wonder why we don’t speak now.

As far as I’m concerned, he has A LOT to answer for and I have yet to hear anything approaching an apology for 30 years of bullshit. In fact, he’s pretty proud of himself. So, yeah. I feel you.

One of the things I m thankful for every day is that I have a mother and father who loved me and cherished me. So I am not going to even speculate about how or what to do in your situation. Parent/child relationships are ones fraught with emotion and it will always be difficult for outsiders to foster solutions to any schisms between the parties.

I once counseled a friend about communicating with his then GF when they were having some issues with the following question: “Do you care enough to listen?”

I think that question also applies to any decision you make regarding communicating with your Dad.

There is an expectation on part of children to think that their parents should know better. But one of the things you realize when you grow up is that being an adult is way more difficult than being a child. There are not as many chances to correct our mistakes and for many of our parents those mistakes occured at an earlier age for them than the realization for us.

In some circles I think the consensus is that being thoughtful, conscientious and caring kicks in for people when they become parents. It is very apparent that is not true, I think about the man I am now with all my ducks in line and a seemingly rational ability to deal with all the issues I face on a daily basis and compare that to the age my father was when I was born. It is scary that both he and my mother was able to do such a good job with the 3 kids at what I consider a relatively young age, at that age I know I was not ready to handle that type of responsibility.

I say all that to add a different context to this discussion, it does not change the way the parents have behaved or even excuse it but provides another perspective.

It is good to be the bigger man, but it’s also perfectly understandable to ME, to NOT choose to do that. How come Sam can’t be the bigger man? He’s the older man? The man who became a father. If anyone should go all out–it should rightly be him….While it is true, you only get one chance, I think we are SOMETIMES chastised into being too accommodating, too understanding. Sam made choices and he and Ans have had to live with those choices. Connecting with the aunts and older sister is laudable, and it’s hard to see why THEY haven’t reached out to you. Surely, they have access to the internet or ppl that know of your wear-abouts over the past 10 years when you’ve been a mature adult. I say wait for Sam to make that cross country trip for the face to face convo. It’s hard to make connecting with someone else important–if they don’t make an equal effort.

I think people can get on here all day and say call your dad ect, ect…. But I am with you he needs to call no matter how old you are you are still the child and he needs to make it right with you. You did not ask to be here and he needs to understand what he did was wrong.
My “father” did the same thing to me and even after he is dead and gone I still hold a lot of anger and resentment towards him for leaving me and not even calling or coming to check on me. And the killer with my “father” is that he was part of the civil rights movement aint that some shit!!!!
I have let go of a lot of anger but this is something that I don’t ever think I am going to be able to forgive I think about it often and it has effected me a lot.
I hope your father is reading this and he needs to understand HE needs to call YOU and YOU will talk when you are ready. He needs to understand that this is not something that is easy to get over and it may take time. Time does not heal all wonds!!!

I have a great relationship with my father.
I had my day when I let my father have it. I told him off! All the things I wanted to say to him all my life I said to him 2 years ago. I brought him to tears.

Although my father was out of our lives for most of our younger years, as we got older we didn’t hesitate to visit him when we felt like it and his family always made room for us. My father was a momma’s boy so he couldn’t do any wrong in a house full of women. But my mother wasn’t having it.

My father has been living with me for 15 yrs. My mother doesn’t like but I don’t care (She chose him). I needed him to take care of my daughter when she was 3. My daughter is now 18.

My father had open heart surgery this week and has cancer but I got him to both doctors in time to save him, because I Love Him, and my mother was right there. When my father gets better I will play the Temptations and the Dells and sip on the Yak like we do in the summertime on the stoop. I’ll sip on the Yak he can have diet 7UP.

If your father was a true DIRTY DUDE then let him rot! but if its just a matter of time and money that he didn’t spend, forgive him and just chill. Because no matter what, you are still a part of him.

I don’t have a good relationship w/ my father at all. I’m 19 & my parents split when I was 12…4 years went by b4 he tried to get in contact w/ me & my sister. We tried to establish a relationship by having awkward silent lunches every now and then but eventually we just stopped. He stopped calling on birthsdays so I stopped calling on Father’s Day. The last time I saw him was my high school graduation 2 yrs ago(I’ll be 20 next month)

At the start of the new year my sister & I got into contact w/ him & even met up w/ him for lunch to catch up….It did not go well….

He was pretty nonchalant about not seeing me after so long & he was pretty judgemental esp since he “sees God in a whole new light” & don’t get me wrong thats a beautiful thing in itself but it’s not necessary to look at me like I sprouted a second head when I say I don’t go to church every sunday. I’m a working college student so give me a break.

All in all it came down to this: I asked him if he talked to his side of the family & he answered not in some years. When I asked him if he was lonely he looked at me like I was an idiot & said “No I have God.”

This irritated me & I told him thats nice but God created family & my mother raised a daughter w/ extremely high family values so if I went years w/ out talking to my family…yes I would be lonely…and he didn’t say a word…

After that little meeting I never bothered to call him & he hasn’t called me, but my sister still talks to him & gets frustrated because she calls hime first EVERY TIME…

I have come to the conclusion that he really doesn’t care at all. And if he doesn’t care then I really don’t give a fuck. I’m about to finish my second year of college while holding down a steady job to help my mom pay the bills & trying to hang on to the last shreads of my social life so I don’t have time for his bullshit anyways….MOVING ON!!!!

*& no you are not wrong for dodging your father’s call, if he wants to talk to you, it’s gonna have to be when you feel like it…He let X amount of time go by so a few more days won’t kill him.*

I don’t have a good relationship with either of my parents, but i was forunate that my dad’s parents were willing to take care of me.
My back story is long but i’ll skrink it down.
My parents were teenagers when they had me. I was seven months when my mom and her then boyfriend(who latter became her husband and they had my two little brothers but now their divorce) moved to Flordia. My grandparents lived in Iowa( thats where i was born and raised) Now i didn’t see my mom that much when i was little, one because she didn’t care and two because my grandparents wanted to protect me so sometimes they didn’t let her talk to me because they knew she wasn’t going to stick around, now because of that when i became older I had a problem with my grandparents for doing that, but after listening to all the reasons and actually see what they were talking about, i got over it quick. But with my mom me and her still have problems to this very day. I remember when i didn’t see my mom for seven years, she would call or write people to ask them how i was doing, but she never asked me how i was doing. When i was in high school, i wasn’t getting along with my grandparents( teen rebel..lol) and they decided that i should go and live with my mom in flordia. now i was upset because here i was 17 and they were sending me to live with a women that i barely knew, now yea she is my mom the one who gave me life but i still didn’t know her and i wasn’t to keen on the idea of her telling me what to do. To me my grandmother was my mom, she was the only one that could tell me to do anything, or i wasn’t going to listen. I only lasted down there for 3 weeks, before she put me on a bus from florida back to iowa. I didn’t talk to her until i found out i was pregnant 3 years later .
My dad on the other had lived no more than about 10-15 mins away from me my whole life. But he was to worried about partying and women to give a shit about me and my sisters.I remember one time my grandfather had to make him spent time with me. Now as a little child who wants to hear someone make your parent take you to the park or spent anytime with you, and from that day on me and him i’d always bumped heads. Not only was I mad at the way he was treating me but my two little sisters as well, cause you see both of my parents had children after me( i just found out recently that i have another sister that my mom gave away when she was born as well) but she kept my brothers, now i’m not mad at them because its not their fault, but i do wonder what was so bad about me that she didn’t want to kept me so that i could grow up my them. And my dad counting me he has three girls. i’m the oldest. He had a relationship with both of my sisters when they were young, because he stayed with their moms( he actually married my youngest sisters mom, but they are divorce now too) and again its not their fault but i wondered the same thing about him that i did about my mom.

I’m 24 now with two kids of my own, and i’ve been married for 4 years, because what has happened to me, my biggest fear has always been that my kids would grow up the way i did, with out both parents. Now me and my husband aren’t perfect but what couple is, but we work at it, on my part its more than because i love him, but i love my kids more and i don’t want them to go through all the pain that i experienced at such a young age.
Recently tho i will say that me and my dad are trying to have some kind of relationship, but he did make the first move, because he knew and i told him i wasn’t going to because i didn’t think that i should have to. We still bump heads at times, but its not as bad as it used to be.
But me and my mom. we have a whole lot of problems that i don’t think are going to go away, because she had hurt me so much, i can’t get over it, and i don’t know if i want to, cause in the past when i’ve tried to let her in and forgive her for what she has done to me, she always does something that i just can’t agree with, and the fact that she has started doing the same things to my kids, i just can’t deal with that, and that makes me really mad.

I know that alot of people above are saying that you should call your dad, but if you can’t get pasted what happened when you were young, its going to move forward with trying to have some kind of relationship with him.

Sincerely,
TMa

I like the question Rastaman posed: “Do you care to listen?” Which pre-supposes that someone is talking? Someone like Sam, making the call to set-up a time frame for his face to face visit? When you’ve been an absent parent, the first order of business ought to be to share WHY you left, abandoned, or was MIA from your kid. THAT is not an easy thing to do, but for most parents, neither is being absent an easy thing to THINK of doing. It is not as if you are trying to justify the past, but to move forward the past needs some illumination and perspective that only YOU, the other parent, can provide. You certainly can’t be johnny-come lately and think you’re going to treat your grown azz child as if he were STILL a child. Or behave as if after 25, 30 years, we can just “begin again” from scratch. THEN, the next order of business is to LISTEN to what that child wants to share with you. It might not sound or look pretty and may not leave you feeling proud, but it can lead to healing. This might require multiple, trying discussions filled with tears and pain, but that’s how the years go by: full of tears and pain. Santa claus dads play out at about age 10, after that, you gotta come with your “A” game and be humble of spirit and heart, otherwise, WHY bother…….

I have a similar story except that my father never reached out to me, it was me who reached out to him. He has subsequently used one of our meetings as a therapy session to get out 30 years of frustrations in the form of name calling and cursing at and about the family that raised, loved and cared for me when he was nowhere to be found. Since they day we reunited he has never once called me of his own volition. He has only ever returned my call.

He can only be who he is and who he is is not a father. Once you realize and accept that you can move past the hurt.

Well Im the completely opposite of what you have..Me and my father relationship is the best..He obtained custody of me and my sisters when I was 8..Up until then my mother and father was still married..They met when she was 21 and him 31..I guess back in the 80’s everyone started using drugs and my father introduced my mother to heroin and from then she got stuck on it and he quit when I was concieved..Yeah she did good for a while..She quit in order to have my sister in 88, and went back and forth on it for a while. From there my father was my world him raising two girls at that time was difficult he didnt know what to do or what to do for that matter….Um..My mother left alot and came back, we never knew if the police was gonna call us or show up to say we have your mother in the city morgue or can u pick her up from the police station..No one knows how I feel because instead of having a deadbeat father, I have a deadbeat mother, the same woman who gave birth to me, didnt care about her kids enough to stop using drugs….Ive tried since then to have a relationship with her now..Im 22 and its not going like it should be..She doesnt realize she wasnt there for alot of things in my life..Like my first period, or 13 birthday, or boys or nothing..and instead I got a man’s perspective towards alot of shit..Granted I love my father but where was my mother when I needed a bra, or which pads do i get..or Im the oldest of 3 girls..and instead of hanging out with my friends, I doing my little sister’s hair, and reading to her..because I know my daddy is tired..Its to much and yet I still get emotional talking about it..I can say that I would rather her stop popping in and out of my life..and just keep it moving..

You should answer the phone. I know my father and grandfather didn’t have the best relationship. This past Thanksgiving my Dad decided not to go to my Grandpa’s house with the rest of us and he ended up passing that night. My Dad was so torn up. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can’t let these problems get in the way all the time b/c you don’t know when someone’s last day is. I know it’s much easier said then done, but you have to try.

You should call him…

As someone who no longer has her father due to his passing when I was a teenager, I say it’s better to resolve (or at least try) while you have the opportunity. He’s trying to make an effort and you owe it to YOURSELF (not him) to meet him halfway.

All the best to you.

@Everyone

Thanx for all your thoughts, suggestions and input, it’s really appreciated.

One thing I just wanted to make clear, is that my father and I have spoken and I did clear the air with him on a lot of my issues and pain. You can click the link in the post to read when I wrote about that an dit was intense.

This post was more so about besides that, it’s still hard to build a friendship over the phone, and that for the past few weeks I been swamped so I really haven’t had time to talk to him—especially for a real deep convo. I’m just not in the mental space now, I got a recession to dig through. LOL. I’ll definitely call him to talk soon, I just haven’t had that free time just yet and he calls at the wrong time (i,e, when I’m asleep or at work/working).

But despite the confusion, your comments did help reinforce the idea that I need to do better in my part to work on things, but a face to face would definitely help.

@ NWSO. I am hard pressed to imagine the paternal relationship you vividly described. I would not be the woman I am today had my father not had a firm and loving hand in raising me. He and my mother worked tirelessly to keep us fed and clothed and out of trouble. When he calls, I always answer, because he really is (and always will be) my first love. I am telling you this not to boast, but because my father– incidentally whose first name you share– had the same tumultuous relationship with his father. He vowed that he would never ever hurt his children the same way his father hurt him, and he has kept this vow and then some. One day you will be a father, and you will make the same vow… And you will keep it.

talk to him and him hear him out see what he has to say about being out of your life the way he was i know its hard to do because i went through the same the thing with my father i really have a hard problem with trusting men because i believe that all men are liars all becuse what my father put me threw as a child and it took me a long time to forgive him

I have a rocky relationship with both of my parents. This is funny because i was gonna write an open letter to my dad on my blog then i came across this.

I was around 13 when my family found out that my dad was cheating on my mom. I didnt fully know the details but we ended up moving with my mom and stuff. She’s Christian and doesnt believe in divorce so they’re separated.

I’ve have detached relationships with him. Damn near everything in my life since then I’ve learned by trial and error. It’s like when you’re younger and you think your pops is the biggest, baddest man ever…then you realize that he’s not. He also makes promises he cant keep like when he told me he’d help me out with tuition for college and didnt. I worked my way through school (jobs+internships at the same time) without one dime from him and have since graduated. It also doesnt help that BOTH him and my mom say i look and act like he did when he was my age

I feel like I’m somewhat of an overacheiver but that no matter what it’s gonna come back down to this.

I dont like long term relationships because i feel like i’ll get bored and i have a weird fear of commitment. women i date usually can pick up on this. I dont take a lot of women i meet seriously. the whole situation has caused my mom to say things to me like: “All you black men are no good.” I definitely have some issues with women because me and my mom dont relate that well to each other. I do feel bad that everything has happened..but i just feel this rage and sense of betrayal of my dad to our family since I’m the oldest boy…and my mom takes it out on me because of that.

Whatever

First of all I wanna say I luv this blog.
Usually I just lurk, but this topic struck a chord…So here it goes.

Do you have a good relationship with your father/mother? If not, what’s the root of your problems?
I have a good relationship with my mother, but I don’t have a real relationship with my father. My mother kicked him out before I was born because he cheated on her and he’s been in and out of our lifes on several occasions untill we moved.

Have they ever tried to mend the relationship? If so, were you open to having that discussion?Why or why not?
He was in and out of our lifes untill we moved to another country. I was pretty young back then and wasn’t really used to my father, so he was just a dude that came around when he realised he had a daughter. Eventhough I knew he’s my dad, I never felt a real connection.
When we went back home for a visit, my mom and dad decided to rekindle their relationship. My dad moved back with us and for a while my mom seemed very happy. I was still very much detached from my dad. He was just the dude my mom conceived with, but I didn’t feel a strong father-daughter relationship. After a while my father got back to his old ways and mom kicked him out again.
That’s when my feelings went from detachment to resentment. I never saw my mom cry before and it broke my heart that he screwed her over once again. As far as I was concerned, he was dead to me.
Part of me always wanted to know what posessed him to hurt my mom like this not once, but twice. So I decided to fly back home last year february and have a heart to heart with him. He never reached out, but I felt the need to talk and find out why he abandoned us TWICE.
I went and we talked. I didn’t speak my piece like I wanted to. I just listened to what he had to say and left it at that. There’s still a lot I want him to know. A lot I want to tell him. But I will do that when I’m ready.

For the single parents out there, do you ever think about how your child’s relationship, or lack thereof, with the other parent will affect them in the future? What steps are you taking to make sure there’s some sort of relationship there?
I’m still together with the father of my children. In case we ever decide to split up, I’ll always make sure that he’s able to maintain a relationship with his children. I am a firm believer that it takes the dedication of both parents to raise a child.
I know from my own experience what it means to grow up without one of your parents.
I still notice the affect it has on my own relationship. I hang on to it for dear life, eventhough I want to give up sometimes, because I don’t want my children to grow up without a dad. Eventhough he assured me that he will always be there for his kids, I fear that that might be an empty promise once we don’t live under the same roof anymore.

Do you think that I’m wrong for dodging my father’s calls?
I don’t think you’re wrong for dodging your fathers calls. I’m pretty sure you have valid reasons to do so. But like others before me mentioned: Make sure you act before it’s too late. Just make sure you do everything at your own pace.

Is it the responsibility of the delinquent parent or the child to make the first move to mend the relationship?
In the ideal situation it should be the parent, but sometimes they, just as us have their fears and reasons not to. In that case somebody is going to have to make the first move.

Is an apology ever enough or does it take more to get over daddy issues?
A sincere apology is the beginning in my eyes. What happens after that can cause you to either get over your daddy issues with involvement of your dad or to begin some kind of rebirth on your own.

this article rang too true for me..

I will be the first to admit that I have daddy issues. I am completly aware that I have pushed away every guy that I’ve been in a relationship with or liked. My mindset: how could this man be any different from my father.. shit he left me so why wouldn’t you. I know these guys shouldn’t be punished for what my father did, but I cany help it.

Do you have a good relationship with your father/mother? If not, what’s the root of your problems? The root of my problems.. I have wanted the same man for 21 years who does’t give a shit about me. I never knew how it felt to wait for my dad to come home from work; call my father when i was having boy problems; be able to say I spent a day with my dad. The only thing I ever wanted from him was for him to just hold me and tell me that he loved me, that I was his princess, that I mean the world to him.

Have they ever tried to mend the relationship?

He has tried, but throwing a few hundred my way when i saw him didn’t make up for the 21 years his ass decided I didn’t exist.

If so, were you open to having that discussion? Why or why not?

I dont think im ready to have that conversation with him yet.. I can’t let him see me weak, he doesn’t desearve any more tears.

For the single parents out there, do you ever think about how your child’s relationship, or lack thereof, with the other parent will affect them in the future? What steps are you taking to make sure there’s some sort of relationship there?

No babies for me but I know that my mother never kept me him.. when his ass was around. She always let me know that I could call or go and see him whenever i wanted to. I just never really wanted to.. at least thats what I told myself.

Do you think that I’m wrong for dodging my father’s calls?

Not at all.. you confront him when you feel your ready.. he’s on your time now.

Is it the responsibility of the delinquent parent or the child to make the first move to mend the relationship?

Regardless of your age, you are the CHILD. You did not ask to be in this world nor did you lay down and make yourself. A real man takes care of his responsibilty.

Is an apology ever enough or does it take more to get over daddy issues?

Apologies cannot make up for years of feeling abandoned.

@NWSO
.. so many people have daddy issues and never talk about it.. Thanks for talking about it

This is a situation I am quite familiar with. I’m the eldest of three boys, conceived 3 years apart.

I was 6 when my father disappeared, that makes the youngest an infant right? (what will make any rational being walk away from an innocent infant baby?, a question i wrestled with for a while)

I have in a mother the most beautiful soul one can ever wish for let alone get to call mommy, yeah i sound like a mamas boy, call it what you want but I love her more than life itself. She is a very close friend of mine & dearly to my heart, perhaps, almost to a fault.

My mother provided my brothers & I with everything we needed in our young life that I almost never felt the absence of my father. She put us through private school til my sophmore year in high school.

Life wasn’t all rosy, sweet or dandy but somehow, someway we were able to move on to the next chapter without a hold up, though she could have use a little help.

Now at the age of 15 I wasn’t the most sociable kid or the most kindest & nothing like a child of my mother. One sunday after an afternoon out I returned home to this feeling of euphoria on the part of my brothers & a strange man sitting in the living area, my mom was in the kitchen preparing a meal. That man is your daddy she said. I sensed who that could be but I’ll rather be in denial. There was this moment of aberation I expressed, it took my mother & brothers by suprise, it was by far the saddest day of life, his presence that is.

My contemptuousness towards him wasn’t latent, it was very obstinate, no endeavor on his part could have alleviated my pain. Subconciously, the question that proceeded was how can there be this ambivalence between my family & I? He felt my disdain & was reprimand, he had to leave.

He didn’t give up, at his request a couple of old heads oblige to intervene but it was labored to no avail. I never knew I had resentment of such, this did not sit well my mother but she understood. I know my brothers was talking to him but they kept me in the dark which was cool with me.

A year or so had passed, I needed a hefty amount of money, my mother told me to hold on for while cuz she was taking care of some priorities first, no problem. One day I was in school, I had a visitor, it was this man(my father) – he offered me a hefty amount of money (I believed my mother had something to do with it) politely I turned him down. Though I was in need of this money my pride wouldn’t let me take it. Word got to my mother, she was very upset, I said forget about the money I asked I’ll do without. (She still gave me the money…… such a wonderful woman)

Now I am in my late 20s, architectural school graduate & no thanks to my father. 7 years ago I reached out to him & sent him some items and a check, he was excited. Still haboring some ill will towards him he made a very stupid comment during one of our awkward phone conversations & I quote “did your mother turned you against me?” I let him have it & promised to never talk to him again. (for some reason they always find a way to say something stupid, at least mine did LOL) I never mentioned this to my mother.

In the last few years I’ve delved within myself & exorcise all my demons, not religious by any measure but I’ve no life issues, none whatsoever. This is not a single soul on earth I’ve a bone to pick with, happily ever after.

I’ve a 5 year old son now, the mother & I had our differences, we parted ways. She give me quite an attitude & an unruly behavior but nothing, I mean nothing was going to PUSH me away from my son. Anytime she came with a problem I met her with no malice. She was only bickering with herself as far as I was concerned, eventually she respected my plight. I always did my part, even on days she purposely had me “stuck” with him on her days(we take turns) I gave her no problems, no, not with my son that’s my boy!!. Time heal all wounds, she & I are best of friends now, might I add she is married. (she dealt with the break up a little worse than I)

There is a blessing in disguise growing up fatherless. My mother deem me a level-headed, shrewd & incisive individual LOL. I’ve hosted the pass 2 thanksgiving at my house with all my family. This begs the question what kind of man would I have been had I have a father?. You don’t get pass your past; you embrace it. Our past shaped us. Once a bastard, today I’m a better man & a better father. (within my circle of friends I’m the go to guy for advice)

I’ve forgiven my old man & i’m in the processing of going to see him mano a mano to let him know that he has a young man he can always call a son. Yes, I made the initiative to book a flight cuz I am a better man. I am not going to have an emotional meltdown convo with him cuz whatever we choose to discuss that goes without saying, I forgave him cuz I needed to be free from any unhealthy sentimental feelings I habor. I could careless if he apologise, admit his mishaps or not I am way young that. (he could be glutton for punishment but I wish him good health, good life etc.)

NWSO, I hope I inspired you, next time pick up the phone let him know that now is not the time, you will call him at a later time like you do all your miscellaneous calls. Truthfully, we’re big boys now, neither of us need our fathers but making peace with them unravel a sense of relief & joy which can be very pervasive you never knew. My Mama is so proud of me about this

Sorry for the long response but this is my truth.

Things to do immediately:
1. stop living your parent’s life – live your life;
2. stop playing child to adult role with dad; and
3. don’t blame your father for your inadequacies.

You dad make choices as an adult that produced some bad outcomes. And you cannot change this fact!

Therefore, do not allow his life choices to affect your whole existence.; you said your intimate relationships are affected by your dads choice. You’re 33yrs old – you don’t need a daddy. Just maybe dad needs your adult wisdom.

Solutions:
Consider dad a developing friendship
Find mentors who are wiser and older
Seek counseling for you – not dad

@Meka

You can never make someone do something they have no real interest in doing. All you can do is provide as much love on your end as well as strong male role models from family in your son’s life.

As for the actual father, it’s about maintaining a fine balance of where your child grows up with the open door to reach him and vice versa and not putting any of your biases into the situation. Your son will then have a fair shot at seeing his father for who he is or isn’t without any outside influences or biases.

Hopefully, that open door won’t become a door of hurt and in that case you should of course do what you have to to protect your son’s well being.

The question is if something tragic happened and you no longer had the opportunity to form a bond w/ your father Would you feel bad for not picking up the phone? Would your heart ache b/c you never jumped on that plane? If the answers no, keep doing you. If the answer is yes, make that effort. . . It’s ok to be the man your father’s not.

@Mz1ady

I already spoke my piece with my father for my 30th birthday and cleared the air on my feelings and detailed that all here:

http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2008/09/05/day-four-dear-father-the-realest-sh-i-ever-wrote-1190/

I also broke down how horrible that last plane flight out west went (in entry 6) here:

http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2009/06/22/i-only-have-six-memories-of-my-father/

I posted links throughout the post to those entries, but it’s looking like folks didn’t click through to catch up on this long drawn out story

But if you have the time, I think those two entries will put things into more perspective.

And again, this post was more about being busy lately and not in the zone to talk with Sam. That’s not to say that I don’t plan on talking to him and taking a call or making one, just not right now.

But thanx again to all who shared their insight, own stories and advice, it’s been therapeutic

I do read, my comment was based on a phone call that I was once too busy to take now it’s to late. No one is promised tomorrow. Grave stones don’t talk back. My lesson learned, I make time in my busy schedule for the people that are important to me (even when it’s inconvenient) today so I don’t live w/ regrets tomorrow. Peace.

@Mz1ady

Got you. That’s why it was important for me to make to make that call for my 30th. I didn’t want him to ever pass and I never got to get that stuff off my chest. So I can rest easy that I did that.

As for the people make time for what’s important to them, you’re 100% right, I’ll talk to my mom even when I’m busy. Unfortunately, Sam doesn’t exist in that same space. Not yet at least.

Cheers

i forgave my dad, but i’ll never forget what he did, and i’ll always watch carefully when he is around the girl children, especially when i have my own. i’ll take the secrets to my grave, and he the only dad i have so i love him. thats all

U know this specific article is really giving people a chance to let out some repressed feelings they don’t normally talk about, myself included. I’m not sure if thats what you intended, but thanks.

@ Another Black Girl…I read your comments and must say, it is very apparanet that you really DO “give a fu@k” despite your statement to the contrary. You appear to have turned into a wonderful woman and I think you’d FEEL fully alive and appreciated IF your dad would mend his ways. I don’t know what type of religious group he’s associated with that doesn’t focus on repentence, bcuz he has truly done you and your siblings wrong. It is rediculous for him to invoke the name of God, while continuing to do harm to his off spring. I hope that you come to peace with your dad in a way that feels positive to you and doesn’t negatively impact your future relationship with men.

@ Pre-med…It’s kinda crazy how life plays out. You’re in a field that requires rigorous study, logic and discipline, and yet you have identified the source of your “issue” with men….and yet you still continue to be impacted (?) How many good men can you run away before no others come your way? More importantly, there has to be a way for you to find peace in what ever the relationship is or can be between you and your dad. You can’t sabotage your future based on a past you can’t control–or can you? Keep your head up, but you know you’re gonna be NO good in a relationship, until you deal with this to find PEACE and a degree of comfort you can live with.

Maybe you should look at the situation with your head first and then with your heart. Your head should be telling you that reconciling with your father is the best thing you can do for yourself and your future family. Your head should be telling you that at the end of the day, resentment is a truly wasted emotion. You don’t truly feel better about not communicating with your day – if you did, you wouldn’t have written the blog. The truth of the matter is that you are not happy with the situation and your brain should be telling you that getting good with the situation will involve you putting in your best effort to improve your relationship with your father. Learning to be a forgiving son, learning to be the bigger man, learning to recognize that parents are not perfect and children don’t come with instruction manuals, are all lessons that will inevitably make you a better person, a better mate and a better father.

Let your head – your logical mind – lead you first. Practice makes perfect. Trust me, your heart will inevitably follow.

<3

As the child (technically) in this scenario, I feel like Sam should be the one to come to me and not the other way around. He left and never came back. I’ve been here the whole time and done my part, so as the parent I feel as if he should be the one to make the commute to see his first born.

I feel this way 225% about my father. He just up and disappeared one day. This was in my late teens/early 20s. Now in my late 20s, I still don’t have much of a relationship with him. I’m still unsure of when/where things went wrong.

My mom often tells me that I should call and check on him, and lets me know that I’ll be sorry if something happens to him and I didn’t get a chance to talk to him. Honestly, I don’t have much to say. When we talk he’s all “hey baby! I love you” and I kind of sit there. Like he doesn’t know me like that anymore. I’m not the kid he could take to an amusement park and all was forgotten.

I don’t think you’re wrong for dodging his calls. I dodged my father at my own graduation. He was looking for me, and I hid my face and walked on by him….right at arm’s distance. Maybe that was wrong too, but it was my day and I wanted to enjoy it.

@ DC Man with a Plan

Thank you…

You’re confusing me, but at the same time I get it. You don’t have the time and you want to do things on your terms, but he has to book the flight. How would he know when to do it if you never answer the phone? But then again he is a stranger.
I have issues with both parents. I didn’t have issues with mom until I got older and she never seemed to grasp that concept then I guess it hit her that me and my brother didn’t need her anymore and she started acting all weird not working, bouncing from one persons house to another.
I met my dad when I was 12 and talk to him every once in a blue moon. I still don’t really feel that connection with him. It just is what it is I guess. He has said bad things about me and my siblings mothers and that turned me off. He seems to think they all have the problem, but he is the one thing they have in common so I find it hard to believe the issue is not him. Then that one time he forced me to take his money cuz he claimed I’m not making any. Last time I checked only my name was on my bank account, but hey!

It is difficult when you try to have a relationship with someone who in a perfect world would know you front to back. I don’t really know where I’m going with this…..lol But yea it’s hard especially as you get older it’s just like whats the point now? Are you suppose to fill them in on all they missed out on or what? It’s just a really awkward situation. I say it’s better off avoided. Well if he has a little money why not be cordial? Wait, that sounds horrible, but I guess that’s my reality. Ok let me get off this lol

I feel you on this post, and the others you’ve written about your dad. I also didn’t grow up with my father, in fact I was hardly aware I even he existed. I hounded my mom to “hook” us up so to speak. She did, and his response was lukewarm to say the least. He constantly broke off engagements or jsut stood me up. I was hurt, but over time I just grew to accpet him for who he was.

I relationship is what it is, but most definetely not the loving father adughter relationship I had hoped for as a child. We get along just fine, It still makes me sad that we didn’t connect a greater level but it is what it is- or rather he is who he is.

i do NOT have a good relationship with my father. he went to jail when i was seven years old & things just haven’t been the same. i can’t talk to him or even look at me. i don’t do the “visiting” thing. that’s just not me. an apology is needed, but it can’t give me 10 years . . .

My real dad walked out when my mom said she was pregnat. So basically if I wasn’t good enough for him as an innocent child then he will never be good enough for me as a rotten old man. I’m grown had a great father growing up and still do. Dueces to him!

I don’t have a good relationship with my father either. I know exactly what you’re going through. It hurts like hell and I have to check myself when in relationships so my daddy issues won’t keep love away. I understand why you don’t talk to your father, but now that he’s trying to talk to you, communicate with him. Keep in mind you’re not going to have a Theo/Bill Huxtable relationship but maybe talking with him every once and a while will give you some peace. Do it for you and the little boy inside.

I have a very good relationship with my Dad. He adopted me when i was 6 week’s old. I love him & respect him for that, But their have been time’s through out the Year’s we have bumped heads. We are to StrongWilled Dudes. My Mom said you remind me of your Dad. Quick Temper, And alot of other things. But My Dad has been their with me. Guding me, directing me, 20 Years of my life. No drugs, No Alchol, Nothing. Dad I love you.

@NWSO Thanks again for the Post, Always bringing that real ish.

Fuck Dads. Mines anyway. He’s a straight up asshole who only has mean things to say and always chooses someone or something over me. He used to beat me when i was a child (physical abuse) but now ill take it all the way to him (and i told him whenever he wants im ready to rumble) so he just abuses me verbally, but really, thats cause i let him. if i never talk to him i never have to hear any of his bs. But what makes everything even worse is that i live with my mom so he and her just talk madd shit about me all day but none of them try and reach out and help me instead!?

My father died on January 23, 2008, I was 14. My grandfather passed away when I was 15 and we buried him on September 16, 2009 my 16th birthday. My relationship with my father was not the best. I didn’t understand his jokes and we had nothing to talk about when I was younger. As I grew we talked less, and less. But know that I don’t have the opportunity to talk is when I want to talk the most. I will have dreams when he is still alive and then I will wake up and feel alone. I hear people talking about their dads all the time and I can’t escape his death. I regret spending all the time not speaking to him. I regret missing all the opportunities I had. He had a good relationship with my sister, which strikes me pretty hard, along with the fact the she learn why he was the way he was and why he made decisions that way. Something I will never learn. She would tell me after his death, about how he wanted to spend time with me. That would not help me any.
I hope you contact your father cause I dread not doing it.

@Alex

Thanx for your story, I actually spoke to my pops yesterday when he called.