I believe that the guest blogger had some valid points but in all honesty- I think that black people need to stop using race as a reason behind all of our short comings. I do feel that race still is a factor affecting many aspects of our community but half of them are self-inflicted meaning WE are creating them such as the light vs. dark, real hair vs. fake hair crap. i do not feel that just because I am black and my man is black that our relationship is doomed. NO, blacks in the past stayed together and made it WORK despite facing many more challenges and hurdles than we have today. If our ancestors seen half the things WE were complaining about today they would be beside themselves in shame. I feel that there are problems but we cant continue to let them manifest- either stand up and FIGHT whatever issues are plaguing our community or sit back and continue to complain.

I feel that PEOPLE are the reason that relationships fail..not skin color. Selfishness, unwillingness to compromise, infidelity, insecurity, lack of maturity, low self-esteem or too much pride and so forth are all issues that PEOPLE need to deal with before they get into a relationship. I know that I have issues with trust and selfishness but I know that these are MY problems so I work to try and resolve them because i had them BEFORE i got into my relationship so why try to act like he caused it? I mean, they may have manifested once we got in a relationship but believe me, they were already there.

coming from a family of mixed races, I believe that interracial couples are fine in my book. But is the black love dying? YES. Not fast or anything but it is. Due to trying to base a mate soley on their skin color or hair type is a reason that blacks are going outside their race. I like MEN, I dont care if you are black, brown, white, creme, tan, beige, ya-da-da-da.. So i cant be mad if a brotha comes and says he can date other races of women.. But I date EVERYONE.. and its not because of a white man’s status or a puerto rican’s hair texture..I LIKE MEN!! Not everyone has this train of thought when looking though

Is black love dying? Honestly I’m not really sure what that question really means. What are we talking about when we talk about black love? Is it different than love. Is it similar to how we refer to “black music” as being different from “music”.

If that’s the case we are buying into a whole host of assumptions that don’t exist in reality. And that’s part of the problem.

I agree with Mizze, not every issue or problem in the community is an issue of race. Problems of self esteem, self love aren’t faced by us alone. Yes, our issues may have a different history or origin but that doesn’t mean we have to perpetually be slaves to that history.

Again, is black love dying? If by this you mean romantic relationships between black people (be they gay, straight or whatever) then the answer is no. Why do I say that? Well it’s because of the colour of my skin, the world categorizes me as black, but I don’t love because I am black. Or love in a “black way”

Loving someone who is black should (and if it’s healthy will) have everything to do with the love part and not the black part.

WOW….there are definitely no simple answers to these questions, so I’ll try to keep it more on the brief side if I can.

I felt that your guest-blogger raised some VERY thought-provoking and valid questions. I think that alot of the issues that she discussed are definitely part of the reason that it’s difficult for Black love to flourish today.

One of the main problems (and this crosses racial lines), is that we don’t know who we are as indiviiduals FIRST. Many people go into relationships looking for “a better half” or someone to “complete them” instead of seeking someone to “compliment” them because they are already fulfilled (in their sense of self). Everyone has a past, or a story….but when your entire dating history is one big tragedy, you have to realize that YOU are the common denominator, and that’s where the self-evaluation needs to take place.

I think this also ties into the question about “types”. I definitely think it limits the possibility and probability that you may find a suitable partner. Also, if you are always picking mates based on a certain type (i.e. the “bad boy” or the “model chic”) that’s probably the reason why your relationships haven’t been successful. You’re going off of want you want, rather than what you truly need. Relationships are not based on height and complexion requirements…having a woman with a fat ass or a man with washboard abs does not equate to longevity in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with preference, but it gets to a point where you really need to evaluate what you value in a partner and potential spouse. And I’m sure for most people, the trivial physical things are NOT at the top of the list….looks and physiques fade at some point.

I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful in this world than Black love. It is truly a powerful and amazing thing. As far as interracial dating, I have mixed feelings because as Black women…we are unfortunately at the bottom of the totem pole. It seems like the trend for most Black men (not all), is to seek out mixed race, Latino, or Asian women. Basically, anyone that could be deemed “exotic”. For whatever reason, Black women just aren’t good enough or desirable anymore. I feel alot of it is societal (music, media, etc)….but when did we stop appreciating each other as we are? I would love nothing more than to marry a Black man and create a strong Black family unit (like the one I grew up in). However, it seems like the pool of eligible Black men, that actually want REAL relationships with Black women (I’m not talking jump-off status etc) is alarmingly small. It’s definitely possible, but the odds are not in our favor these days. I don’t think Black love is necessarily dying…but it’s in DESPERATE need of a revival.

@ sugarae.

Some good points, but I have to take issue with your final paragraph. Speaking as a black man, I personally love Black Women. Have I dated outside my race? Yes. Are Black Women at the bottom of the totem pole? No. And regardless of who I date they could never be.

Having said that I know tons of black men looking for meaningful relationships with black women and ONLY black women. This whole idea that Black Men don’t want Black Women is frankly ridiculous.

I also find it interesting that you define “black” in a specific or narrow way–you differentiate between black and mixed race–which excludes millions of people and further confuses the problem. I guess when you speak of “black love” you’re speaking about a kind of pure race thing, which if that’s the case and if that’s how we are supposed to define “black love” then I hope it dies if it hasn’t died already.

I think the points made by your guest blogger were articulate and well though out. It is obviously something she has given considerable thought.

In response, I think Mizze and Sam said it all.

I would only add that all the points are relevant for anyone seeking a mate, race aside. Although I think as Black Americans, we bring our own set of issues to the table, I am not so sure they are much different from any other ethnicity. I hear the same issues raised by my Jewish and Asian collegues/friends. I mean EXACTLY the same – just replace our race with theirs.

Regarding “If I get it together, will it work if my partner doesn’t share my beliefs . . . . .” I think the blogger is referring to moral/religious beliefs. if so, I find this is totally different topic and think it would probably deserve a session all its own.

I also think it is a total fallacy (and mindf****) that Black Men are only interested in women from other races. I think what you see has more to do with demographics than any thing else. Most of the men I know are marrying/coupling/dating/screwing Black Women when they are available. JMO

@ Sam Sharpe

When I made the first statement you’re referring to, I made the point of saying “not all”. Of course there are Black men out there that love Black women, but I said that there definitely SEEMS to be a trend of seeking-out women of other races/ backgrounds. I don’t think interracial dating is wrong, but I do have an issue with Black men that exclusively date non-Black women (and vice versa for that matter)….that’s what I was referring to.

As far as my definition of Black love….I really didn’t define it, but meant it in more of the general sense of the word. Sure there are people of many different backgrounds that could be considered Black, but being “mixed race” doesn’t automatically mean you are a mixture of Black and something else. When I say Black, I’m referring to people with some kind of African ancestry…whether that be Afr-American, West Indian, Hispanic, etc. There is no “pure race” when it comes to Black people (because we’re all mixed with something at some point).

I think you misunderstood my statements…or perhaps I didn’t elaborate enough.

@ sugarae215

You are right, I interpreted your statements differently.

And I too feel it’s strange when anyone dates exclusively outside their race. We probably agree more than we disagree.

Thanks for the clarification.

Cheers

1st issue – Acknowledge that race matters!

@Sam Sharpe: “I don’t understand what that question means”… Why is it so hard for you to answer the question directly? I feel because we as black people (and by black I mean the 1 drop rule so it’s all-inclusive) do not want to be labeled as “black” anymore. It’s like just simply being black is less than. That’s why when I hear these “the common denominator is that all people bleed red” comments, I become pissed. Surely we can aspire to create a utopia where love is colorblind. However, speaking as an attorney in the criminal justice system, I can tell you quite frankly, it ain’t. This melting pot idea is great in theory, but very disheartening when put to practice. Again, I’m forced to take my rosy colored glasses off each day as I walk through the halls of injustice. Bottomline: Race Matters! Acknowledge it and then move. Don’t act if it’s not an issue because you’re only playing yourself.

2nd issue – Black assimilation!!!

If uttering Marcus Garvey and Dr. Cater G. Woodson on this progressive blog will get me blacklisted as a black nationalist, so be it. But we’ve been trained to want to be anything but black. Now that we’re heading corporations, chasing after pigskins and running behind a basketball, even sitting on the US Supreme Court, we think defining ourselves by checking a box, is beneath us. Really? The Miseducation of the Negro was written over 75 years ago but still rings true.

3rd issue – We hate ourselves

I have a great friend (young black male high level executive at a Fortune 500) who once told me, he does not date black women in our Commonwealth (the entire STATE mind you) because they ALL typify the images portrayed in mass media. And he even tried to rationalize by saying that instead he dates Dominican women because they’re just n***** who speak Spanish.

4th issue – Destruction of the Black Family

The statistics speak for themselves. I need not say anymore.

I could go on forever, but my blood is boiling over. So yes, I do believe black love is dying for the aforementioned issues above and many more. BUT on a positive note, “Nothing is impossible,, even the word itself say (Im possible)” -heart quotes by Rev Run!

1st I hate the term African American. Why as an American do I need to verify my citizenship in my race?

2nd like somebody mentioned life is hard if your black, white, yellow, green or purple. Being black doesnt make it any more difficult to be in a lasting relationship. Its an excuse and as long as people keep using them we cant shake them. We simply live in a society that promotes selfishness. Which is the number 1 killer of relationship.

P.S. Whats the “booty strap theory”?

As far as statistics “Love” of all colors is down. Divorce rates are up single parents are up. We as a nation raise blind followers and it shows.

@ Anonymous

I DEFINITELY feel where you’re coming from!

@ da Throne

LOL…she said “boot strap theory”….not “booty”, meaning “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. Being more proactive/ self-sufficient and not relying on any help or assistance to accomplish something.

Can I get some “Pink Love”?

@sugarae215

LOL I dont know how I missed that! I must really be tried because I am seeing things.

@ da ThRONe

This is true. However, isn’t today’s topic black love? Maybe I missed the memo. Again, we need to stop worrying about what every other race is doing and deal with our issues. Which goes back to my 1st point. Hey, label me a black nationalist or whatever you’d like but I’m all about uplifting and solving issues within my community before I address anyone else’s. This is they main reason I went to law school. But my passion is my own. Sad that I don’t expect many to understand. JMO

Why would any black woman assume she’s at the bottom of some mythical social totem pole? I dont know many black dudes looking for anything else other than a sista. Im sure different regions have there things ,but unless “Cheetah” Woods is craving that totem pool black women will never be at the bottom.

@Anonymous

Why are we so quick to group people together? I dont know you. I can have friends from different races that I include in “Tron Love”. The idea of “Black Love” is just dumb. Just because your black doesnt mean Im going love you likewise just because your asian or european dont mean I wont love you.

My problem with only fixing us is our problems are deeper than just a black problem its an American problem. We are all being brainwashed. Sure it affects the black community different ,but its the same issues all races have.

@ da ThRONe

Why do you insist upon going off topic? I read this blog quite often, and usually your unwavering opinions baffle me. You must exist in a bubble. “The idea of black love is just dumb” SMH. Oh, you did say we ALL are being brainwashed, correct? No disrespect but “arguing with a fool proves there are two”

@ the rational readers who read the blog not only for entertainment but for thought-provoking commentary every now and again

Never did I once write just because you’re of one race must you date exclusively that race. Personally, my friends refer to me as the UN. I’ve date everyone from Saudi Arabia to France to Ethiopia and back. I don’t feel that negates anything I wrote in my earlier comments. And the fact that I have to add this fact is utterly ridiculous.

Look, when President Obama took office, America had many problems. But he was smart enough to understand you can’t do it all at once; take it one step at a time. Start small by compartmentalizing issues to achieve the greater good on a macro level.

I think it’s important to have real conversations. Life’s short and it’s no beach. It’s time we have real conversations. If this is to heavy for some, I apologize. But I don’t have conversations just to hear myself talk. It’s time to grow up and educate ourselves in order to better equip our families with the right tools they need to create the “We The People” we claim to be. So one day, we won’t have to have this conversation. However, until the, go read a book because “when you know better you do better” Dr. Maya Angelou

And BTW, going forward, I’m SweetP/GreenT. Sorry, I keep neglecting to post my name in my haste to respond. I’m not hiding behind an “Anonymous” label LOL

If I was into women I’d ask mizze to marry me. Her posts usually reflect my opinion 100%.

What did you think of the guest blogger’s thoughts on the problems within the African American community?
- The problems the guest blogger touched on are the same wherever you go on this planet and therefore not exclusive to African Americans. The very same things she talked about is what I hear on the daily from friends/acquaintances out here – and they are Asians, Arabs, cliché white girls, you name it. They all have been in relationships just because they didn’t want to be alone, they put up with ish because they didn’t think they deserved any better, they have been cheated on, lied to and neglected. Relationships IMO fail at a higher rate these days because we have a tendency to step on, over and through people on our way to our very own happiness. Hedonism is all around and has replaced morals and values many deem old fashioned. And that goes for all “western” societies. To quote from one of my fav poems: Promiscuity we label as freedom. Narcissism we rename self-confidence. That goes for all races, ages, genders, ethnicities ….

How often do we hold ourselves back from being emotionally ready to find love?
- I think we do it all the time. I know I do. But to me it isn’t a problem because I am aware of it and it is a conscious choice. It is problematic if one wants to find love but subconsciously stands in one’s own way.

Instead of asking what’s wrong with the men and women you come across, how often do you look within yourself and your own issues as the root problem?
- I have ALWAYS looked at my role in the failure of relationships. I wanted to know what I did wrong, what I could have done to prevent it, and what I could learn from the experience to better myself. Until I realized that the grand majority of women analyzes their own behaviour/personality while the grand majority of men seems to live by the premise that they are fine the way they are and that it is “take it or leave it”. A group of friends from all over the world gathered and the topic came up. Sure enough, the men did not see the point in analyzing their share of the blame for a failed relationship. They filed it under “It wasn’t meant to be” and that was that. It seems to work for them. They love themselves the way they are and have faith that somebody somewhere will some day love them the way they are and the way they will be. Since then I have taken the same approach. Take it or leave it. I am who I am and if you don’t like it, oh well. There are horrible (IMO) women out there who have men that worship the ground they walk on. So I am sure somebody will one day worship the ground I walk on no matter what I do or how I am.

Do you think that people’s reliance on “types” limits them when it comes to finding a life partner?
- Hm, depends on what we define as “types”. I like the Encyclopedia reading, National Geographic watching, PC repairing, food loving, sarcasm appreciating, huge vocabulary having, worldly, open minded, spontaneous, good crazy, keeping his inner child alive type. Do I limit myself by looking for these criteria? Absolutely. But I don’t want quantity to choose from but quality. I rather choose one of 10 great guys than having to weed through 100 mediocre ones.

Do you think dating outside the race is good or bad for the African American community?
- I’m pro-love in general. So I say date & marry whoever gives you this warm, mushy, gewy feeling inside that all you can think of is growing old with that person.

@ SweetP/GreenT (aka Anonymous) Post #1

I hear your pain/anger and agree with some of your statements – particularly as they pertain to our current criminal justice system. I do believe though, that one’s profession can skew their view. Somewhat like my ER friend who (working 18-20 hours/day in a hospital located in a low-income urban area) only sees the dark side. His perspective is very similar to yours.

Do you feel, however, that we should create personal relationships to solve cultural issues? If anything, I utilize my personal relationships to get away from the burdens of my profession (healthcare) and passion (mentoring women at risk). I could easily have your POV and direct it towards the AA culture as a whole. Trying to ensure that I stay balanced in my perspectives keeps me sane.

Post #3 – last two paragraphs
Your posts are not saying anything new – in other words you are preaching to a choir. I think anyone with a mature perspective understands your perspective of seeing the isht and wanting to clean it up. Unfortunately the isht has been there for a long time and more isht continues to pile on top. Many of us are either past, present, or future isht fighters. Heavy conversations have been taking place for decades and will continue to do so as long as the isht is there and new ish is created.

I am not saying that you should stop attacking the isht. (Passion and anger can move a lot of crap, so keep going). I am simply saying that attacks and results vary. Eating it will make you sick and hungry, shoveling it moves it from one pile to another, and blowing it up scatters it. I am not negating these attacks though. I think all forms are needed to minimize the mounds (breaking it into smaller issues). The final step though is to use it as fertilizer for growth and fuel for change.

Understanding that we as black people have suffered the pain, the agony and the defeat my question would be this: Why should lblack love be different from any other kind of love? Arent we relating to each other as human beings or man and woman?
The basic qualities we seek in each other are basically colorless—someone to love us unconditionally, someone to have our back, support us emotionally, psycologically, financially–do these qualities have a certain color or race.
We spend way too much time worried about what “the oppressor” thinks about us that we stunt our own growth.

@ Anonymous

Of course race matters. I never said it didn’t. I just don’t believe it’s the only thing that matters.

You said:

“That’s why when I hear these “the common denominator is that all people bleed red” comments, I become pissed. Surely we can aspire to create a utopia where love is colorblind. However, speaking as an attorney in the criminal justice system, I can tell you quite frankly, it ain’t.
This melting pot idea is great in theory, but very disheartening when put to practice.”

Just because I see how destructive the labels we attach to people based on the colour of their skin doesn’t mean I’m colourblind. I see how arbitrary it is. I don’t see how accepting notions like the “one drop rule” (that we didn’t create, hell this whole debate about blackness and applying terms like black is centred around concepts of identifying us and labelling us that we didn’t create) and making race or colour the only prism through which an individual sees the world
healthier than trying to look at it from various perspectives.

Don’t get it twisted. I see colour. But I see a whole mess of other things too that make it difficult for human beings to respect each other.

Am I playing myself? No. I’m being myself. And loving myself. That’s the only thing I can be.

And to paraphrase the immortal words of noted Garveyite Bob Marley, that is One Love

peace.

Because we dont have the tolerance level to stay unhappy till death do us part!!!!

Just because other races stay married doesn’t mean their relationships haven’t failed! I know a few old and miserable couples that hate the siight of eachother, both have or had a person on the side, sleep in separate rooms ….why not just move on???

I think the guest blogger brought up some good points. But I can’t say that black love is dying as far as relationship wise, because there are so many thriving black couples. I think Black love is dying for within our community. We don’t appreciate being black and maybe thats were we are failing in our relationships. I think its funny how she stated she has “black love” but had to hint at her ‘14 long weave…just saying contridiction IMO.

The problem with many black relationships is lack of communication and patience. We as a people are “want it right now” people so we aren’t going to take the time to work with anyone or wait for them to establish themselves before we deem them date-able. An example A black woman with her PhD is not going to date a man who hasn’t even attained his bachelors. We refuse to be patient…and communication we clearly fail there because we can’t even tell someone that we are “feeling” how we are feeling about them. IMO those are the things you need to be in a successful relationship…communication and patience.

@Elle

hahhahhahahhahahhhahhah.. i would marry you too!! lol..that made my day =)

oh and p.s to the commenters,
Black love is not beautiful… ALL LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL!! When a man loves a woman, and she feels that same unconditional love back for him, no matter his status, pay rate, education level, skin tone, hair texture and no matter hers- its beautiful. I just cant not stand when people say that. So love between an interracial couple is not beautiful? Because my black aunt married a chinese man and he treats her like a QUEEN!! I just feel that we need to stop puttin race on EVERYTHING.. Our days on this earth are numbered and too short to be so consumed with having to put a label or clarification on things.. just my opinion though

seems we are quite focused on “black love” but is it dangerous to compartmentalize in this way?

I mean if you really consider it, if people started talking about “white love” you KNOW there would be problems.

Why the insistence on defining something as intangible as love? Love is already confusing and wonderful as it is, why suddenly do we feel the need to divide it even further with “black love”? Is it so different?

Just saying…

Black Love?? Last time I checked, love was just love..regardless of whom it was with. Why are we so concerned with notions of Blackness? Black love…Black on Black crime, its all really farcical. We’re so obsessed with maintaining some fragmented sense of what it is to be “Black”, that we’re grossly ignoring what it is to be HUMAN; humans that have desires and fears, skills and shortcomings just as much as anyone. I won’t deny that because of the history of this country, we as Black people don’t have a few more added hurdles in our lives, but, I do think that by and large we create negative situations for OURSELVES and then use how people react to that behavior as proof that racism still exists; or that were some exception to the rules of life.

Is Black love dead? Is Love dead in general? No. What should be dead are these antiquated regulations for what it is “to be Black”. I think its high time to be bold and reinvent ourselves as a people and culture, free from the self inflicted weight of having to live up to some ill-conceived standard.

thanks b.better.

I’m learning to have patience at this point in my life. I’m currently dating someone who is getting his life together(we barely see eachother). We want to be together but he’s working to create the life he wants and I’m persuing my master’s. The old me would’ve left him a while ago. But I see he’s a good man and therefore am trying to give it time.

Patience is very necessary to have successful relationships. Nothing good in life comes easy. IMO- we will have better relationships once we as individuals are ready to have them. Once we are happy with ourselves, and don’t look to others to determine our happiness.

Maintaining relationships is IMO is an American problem and with most social problems in this society, black folks are usually the canary in the mine. Many of the problems maintaining loving relationships are not easy to categorize. There are many pressures that impact how we relate to each other that I see are outside of control of most individuals.

We may not admit it to ourselves but the economy, jobs and familial stresses oftentimes impact how we relate to each other. I know I have stepped back from relationships because I felt that the other person was oblivious to the issues I was dealing with and seemingly more focussed on less important aspects of the relationship.

One thing I have concluded is that many of us, myself included have very poor relationship skills. We have a hard time subjugating our individual needs to the needs of the relationship. It does not make it any easier as the ground beneath us and the rules of engagement are constantly in flux.

A few years ago, I was dealing with a young lady, I found particularly difficult to relate with and it was very frustrating because our communication had seemingly gone to hell. I saw a sign that simplified it for me: Shared values, shared goals!!
That is the ingredient I believe is missing from many of the failed relationships I have had and seen with others.

Skin color is no longer enough to relate to another person and with the ways this society has changed over the years it is becoming less and less a value. Because we may share a racial category does not mean our experiences, our culture or our values are necessarily the same. Some may decry this development but it moves us closer to that race neutral ideal so many aspire.

Opposites may attract but they don’t usually stay together. i am still advocate for love but I see that maintaining love changes our definitions no matter what the movies tell us.

LET ME APLOGIZE IN ADVANCE- should my comments offend anyone. (Now that we have that out of the way)
Ok..from reading the comments,clearly I’m the only one who feels this way but I am not at all ashamed to say it, I personally do not agree with interracial dating (for a mutitude of non-racist reasons). I also think it is completely naïve to think that race does not have some factor in the success and failure of some Black relationships. As someone mentioned earlier, there have been many successful black relationships in the past during time when we had larger civil hurdles to climb. However, there is long lasting damage to the psyche of black men and women as a result of those times and have been long sense a generational curse in our community. I do believe that Black love is dying. There are several researchers that discuss the presence of gender role conflict in today’s african-american men due to the large amount of absences of fathers in the home. Example is our best teacher, when there is no example to follow, how does one become a true man. And where does that man gain knowledge of love for a mate.
I am not at all attempting to make excuses for “US” or out general shortcoming as human beings, but there are some things about Black love that I believe should be further analyzed. I intend to marry a Black man and raise Black children and work hard at becoming a successful Black family to strenghthen our Black community.

PREACH!

@ Mizze

Of course ALL love is beautiful, because love is just that….love. But the topic was “Black love”…therefore I was trying to stay on topic. My sister (a lesbian) has a white partner (my sis-in-law)…and they had my niece together (she is mixed black and white). Do I think that’s beautiful…OF COURSE I do. Do I love my niece to death…damn right!

I don’t think it’s a case of putting race on everything. But it’s there and it’s a factor…and I don’t mean just with inter-racial relationships but also defintely with intra-racial relationships. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with loving who you are (black, white, or otherwise), but as Black people (in general…this does not apply to ALL of us), I think that’s part of the problem.

I think the main issue with failed relationships is that People don’t deal with their own issues or conflicts and end up trying to deal with them after they get in a relationship and deal with his/her too, and try to either change them, save them, or something. as most would/should knw you can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change themselves. Like Ebadu said, “bag lady, you gonna hurt your back carrying all them bags like that”. Ppl need to stop being so needy and learn to be by themselves, take things for what they are and stop settling. All the extra baggage is annoying and who is really out here in 2009 being capt save a ho/nigga (sorry). Grow up , deal with your issues and jump into the game when you ready…and if you can’t take the heat get out the kitchen! I hear so many females talking about molding men and all that foolery..ummm no, you take him/her as they are, tweek some things to your liking (to me that is natural in a relationship) but a full blown overhaul of a man or woman, that is GROWN already is crazy. I can teach you some shyt and I hope youteach me too, but i am pretty much ME already, issue free…Hopefully he will be too…

@Anonymous

I keep getting off the subject because the idea that love is some how affected by race is ridiculous and more importantly detrimental and just flat out ignorant. The only difference between Black Americans and White Americans are only cosmetic. The sooner we realize it the better off both races would be.

This isnt about race its about education. People 40 or 50 years ago were better educated on whats important in life. Its really sad we teach our kids to be so materialistic and selfish. Then wonder why love is taking a backseat.

@ da throne

I will chime in my agreement that people in prior generations were often forced by life’s circumstances to focus on the big picture. I believe that America’s strength today is also its greatest weakness: too many options. Some of us never fully commit to anything today because we have so many options available to us. Its generally as easy to get out of relationship today as it is to get into one. Even if it is not, it appears that way.

Some of us, myself included have a tendency to major in the minors and we are unwilling too often to accept that in every human dynamic there is flaw. We are unwilling to make the necessary trade offs that are required to maintain relationships. It makes us unable to accept the inevitable flaws in our relationship and we place our need to be happy above all else. As if happiness is the be all of all human endeavor.

I think we have to be wiling to accept that life is not fair and happiness is not guaranteed.

I actually wrote the guest blog above and I think it was misunderstood. I was not only inspired by Anslem’s blog but by a documentary – The Black List. I firmly believe for every action there is a reaction; experience, history, impressions, and our environment shape out perception and perspective.

The blog isn’t about Dark Skin Versus Light Skin or Other races. It questions the way we behave or act subconsciously and relating it intimate relationships. If we are heavily influenced by the media / western culture where we don’t fit in (1st Disney movie portraying a “Black Princess” was only released in late 2009) and judge issues on being ; not black enough, bogie, ghetto , god – fearing , worldly ,etc. without seeing each other as individuals.

How can we have honest, intimate relationships without always wanting to portray an image or fit into a mold?

Can one have an open honest, intimate, relationship without acknowledging the issues discussed above? Is it harder for us to maintain or obtain success in love and marriage as a result?

When people say that “black issues” in relationships are the same as everyone else’s, it minimizes reality. Until the overwhelming majority of women of other races are raising their children outside of marriage and/or alone, or until their marriage rates are as low as ours, the argument is invalid.

Those stats have roots in relationships. Other races have higher stats of getting married and staying married so it’s not an apples to apples comparison, no matter how similar their “dating woes” are.

That, in and of itself, makes “black love” or “black relationships” different. We don’t have the same issues, we have unique circumstances, we may have some similarities but we aren’t similar.

And until we acknowledge those extra hurdles we have, we can’t even begin to chip away at resolving them.

>>Do you think dating outside the race is good or bad for the African American community?<<

More often than not, the people I come across that date interracially usually have some negative issues, perceptions or stereotypes about black men/women that they do not believe men/women of these other races possess.

Sometimes, I hear the mantra "love is just love" but then under the surface it's "black women this" and "black men that". I think if people have those issues maybe they ARE better dating outside the race rather than inflicting that upon a black man or woman. Take it elsewhere, I say. But you can't escape it because most have to deal with it, through their children anyway (if they have them).

This is not to say that all people who date interracially have this issue, just more have these issues than do not have them.

Regarding black women being on the bottom of the totem pole (came up earlier)– it's true. That's a whole other blog post. However, it's incredibly disingenuous for a black man to tell a black woman that it's not accurate. That's like white men telling you racism doesn't exist.

It's true and I see eye to eye where the original writer is coming from.

Throne, Mizzie & Sam.. Please continue to PREACH!!

Maybe “black love” is failing cause you can’t love someone when you don’t love yourself..

I think in conclusion Sweet T among others really got this and I use her post as an example because she’s right

” Life’s short and it’s no beach. It’s time we have real conversations.”

“it’s time to grow up and educate ourselves in order to equip our families with the right tools they need to create the “We the people ” we claim to be. So one day this conversation won’t be necessary”

When you know better you do better – regardless of what people say racism still affect us to day which is why it was a big deal that Obama became president. Issues from the past affect us today in lots of different ways – Can relationships be another area affected?

@Soulyn You are welcome! And hang in there girl, just think you would want him to hang in there for you if you were working on yourself.

@Duchess I strongly agree!

Self love is clearly lacking in our community. My interpretation now that he/she (Othaniel) has commented and this is mixed w/ my opinion on everyones statements is that: How do we expect to have successful black relationships if we don’t even love ourselves as black people….is this correct? Is this the question we should be asking or keeping in our head?

@ B. Better

Asking or keeping in our head? I’d say both because I think some of us may be unaware of this internal struggle. I think it would be impossible to have gone through what we have as a nation of people, be bombarded on television with images that don’t resemble us, and personal experience and not be affected which is why i said ” it’s no shock that sucsessful black men appear to have a “type.” All is love is good love but there are no accidents when there seems to be a pattern ( cause and effect). I used other example of division among us which wasn’t included (too long) which supported my theory on difficulties in relationships.

@southerncomfort

You wrote “I personally do not agree with interracial dating (for a mutitude of non-racist reasons).” What are your reasons?

To answer the question I don’t believe black love or love amongst any other group of people is dying. The concept of love is just changing. In the past divorce was taboo and divorced women carried a stigma. Thankfully that’s changed to the point where women are free to leave if “it just ain’t working out.” And of course society has changed to the point where women can make it on their own with or w/o a husband.

Also, the concept of parenting has changed and the nuclear family is not the norm. So b4 I blab on any longer, love is just changing and like everything else love as our grandparents knew it will eventually come back around.

@Othaniel gotcha!

I soo agree with you. There has been this email floating around not sure if anyone recieved it called a black womans fears. And it had every black male celeb who was married or had serious relationships with a non-black woman. Honestly thats not my fear I took it as this, my black man is out there for me when I meet/find him I’ll know. He can handle all of my….blackness (lol) and won’t be looking towards “others”….not saying that dating outside the race is good nor bad. That email just personified what I don’t want in a man (someone who is just looking for an arm piece which a lot of those women are) Just saying my thoughts. But I can understand and see how the weaker minded individual could look at that email and see “fear”

@ b.better

That was EXACTLY the point I was trying to make. WE don’t love ourselves (as Black people). I personally do, but there are many out there that don’t and that is the root of the problem.

And I definitely feel you regarding the email. That’s the trend I was referring to in my last paragraph (original post). Once again…not saying EVERYONE is doing, but it is happening. Let’s keep it real here people.

I didn’t see the black celeb email, but I do know the whole black man-white woman “crisis” is far overstated.

Only six percent of black males are married to a non-black woman. Most interracial relationships are among Asian women and white men, as 22 percent of Asian women have a non-Asian wife. Also, 15 percent of Hispanic men are married to someone outside their race (Census stats and from “Black Men in Interracial Relationships). But you don’t hear the Asian and Hispanic communities in an uproar about “losing” their women or men.

Maybe it’s some weird form of black men-white woman fear that’s been prevalent in the media since “Birth of a Nation” or a few high visibility celebs that give false impressions of reality, but bottom line the overwhelming majority of black men are with black women.

[...] post I read on Nakedwithsockson.com about the end of “black love” got me to thinking about the constant fear and alarmist [...]

Maybe they aren’t complaining because 32% of their male population isn’t in jail. Did you ever think of that? No one is crying about losing black men, we are just simply discussing how the media portrays the idea of a black relationship.

1) Incarceration doesn’t have a thing to do with interracial dating.

2) Your stats are wrong. A total of 6.6% of black males AND females are incarcerated. I agree this is far too high, but it’s nowhere near the 32% you stated.
(http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/28/us/28cnd-prison.html )

I don’t want to sound like a smart ass, but black male-non-black female relationships are just media hype and gossip. But to each his or her own.

@Dewan

Why you undermining the hype?
Don’t you know some folks won’t let the facts stand in the way of their beliefs.

There you go again blowing up MOFOs spot. Next you going to tell us the Earth is spherical.

1. You have to include incarceration if you are stating facts and percentages which you did. So I’m simply saying they don’t have to deal with the issues at hand as far as dating and things of that nature.

2. If my stats are wrong I apologize its from last years washington post. And yes either way the stats are high. smh

And also I don’t think your a smart ass I just think you missed the mark a bit. Yes its gossip and media hype but you have to realize that a lot of misinformed people are basing their opinions of off what they see. If you come from a single parent home and your not around or witnessed a successful black marriage/relationship and all you see on tv and hear on radio is a black man should be with a non black girl or a girl that damn near looks white if you are not strong minded therefore that will be what u think is successful…then yes sir you have indeed fallin for the trap. I’m sorry maybe its hard for you to understand because you are not that man or maybe you just don’t believe me but please take my word as truth because that is EXACTLY what it is. Sorry for keepin it one hunnid.

Maybe you don’t understand me because your perspective is of a black male and not a black female.

This is a great topic. I would like to get back to this when I have more time to respond.

I am reading “All About Love” right now by bell hooks & she touches on this subject frequently… I can’t wait to come back & read all the comments.

—black male-non-black female relationships are just media hype and gossip—

Overall, the percentage may be low, but when you look at geography, or demographic differences (income, education), it can get higher or lower. Which is what makes it seem more prevalent than it is, overall.

Looking at the overall % of interracial marriages (which is usually what most people quote) also doesn’t give a good indicator of non-cohabiting interracial relationships (i.e. people who didn’t get picked up in the US census household count).

—Only six percent of black males are married to a non-black woman—-

Actually, the valid interpretation is X% of MARRIED black men are married to a non-black woman, we have no real way of knowing what % are in interracial relationships.

I’d also be curious to see what kind of changes are seen in next year’s census.

I’m not trying to nit pick, but the concern over interracial relationships isn’t just “media hype”.

I love this post! This topic has been on mind lately at length. I agree with all of the comments, especially mate selection based on physical attributes. For some reason, I have come across many people that believe the features associated with African ancestry are more attractive on males than females. For instance, Idris Elba and Djimon Hounsou are appreciated for their beautiful chocolate complexions and prominent African features, but the love would not be the same if they were female, which goes back to the post above about men seeking “exotic.”

I think the women seek “exotic” mates as well. I have a girlfriend that only dates very fair skin black men or Hispanic men. When I ask why, she tells me that is what she likes, but I think her preference is based on something much deeper – self hatred.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told you are cute for a dark-skinned “sister,” which I find insulting.

It all goes back to societal beliefs “Tall dark and handsome to define males” and “My fair lady” to define females.

Katrina, I don’t think I could’ve said it better. It’s not just about dating , it’s a perspective. When I go into a hair store and see 1/2 an aisle dedicated to bleaching cream and see African Americans , Islanders and Africans alike walking around with a Yellow Ochre face and brown hands – it scares me. When i hear comments made like ” you’re pretty for a dark skin girl , good hair, etc” – I fear for my future kids. I ‘m sorry if some people think this equates to ” hype ” or will downplay the issue to live in la la la land but it is what it is…..

Yes it is a perspective that pervades every aspect of our life. I had a conversation with a male friend and I asked him why he did not marry the last girl whom he supposedly liked so much and his response scared me and hurt my heart to the core. He said that he was thinking about her attractiveness in terms of procreation. He thought she was not attractive enough to marry because she was midnight black. Basically, he was using her as Ms Right Now, but not Mrs Right. He spent two years of this woman’s time and did not bother to tell her he had no intentions of marrying her.

While I am not midnight black, I wondered what his intentions were with me because I am only a few shades lighter. I kept this in the back of my mind and I refused to take this guy seriously because I thought he had issues.

Basically black love has one foot in the grave if most men think like this guy.

Great post Anselm!

@ Dewan

My friend and I were discussing your post and he brought up an excellent point. Does your stats included non married couples?

Although, this isn’t really about interracial relationships per say it is an issue. Can you honestly say what were discussing here is outlandish? The cycle repeats itself because young men see successful men with cars, “exotic ” arm candy, and big house and aspire to……

Quite frankly I am starting to take offense to this whole arm candy BS. Granted, these cases may exist here and there. But who are outsiders of these relationships to say that the only reason they are married to/involved with women of another ethnicity is to have arm candy?!

Interracial marriages and relationship do not solely occur when the men are accomplished in their field of expertise. There are some broke azz couples out there who are deeply in love with each other – all money and looks aside – simply because they can relate to each other’s goals, dreams, values and experiences.

To the hobby psychologists: half the time it is not that deep when people date somebody of another ethnicity/race. It is pretty presumptious for others to jump to the conclusion that it is about self-hate.
Besides, we all love those who love us. Should a black man remain single because no black woman is interested in him when there are women of other ethnicities/races showing interest in him?

Race Matters only because the majority are born into and spend the most of their lives learning lessons the way their race is teaching it.

Different races may go to the same schools, clubs, churches and all but when it comes to personal things we tend to separate. I believe that the only thing outside of life and death that can connect us all is LOVE!!! It has the power to do great things and bad things as well.

I believe all love is failing but because we are the most familiar with our own race, that is what we recognize and seek answers in. The reason love is failing is because we are living in a more literal world where we tend to just react off of what is said or happening right now. We take things more personal because we all want to be succesful in life and love. Most of us have been taught things by parents friends and others to better us but we didn’t get the full explanation of why we should do these things or how important it is to compromise in life, like we do at our JOBS!!! I as well as most people was told “Opportunity only comes once in a liftime” and it is always attached to money and power or status. It is rare for anyone to be told that if you find a person that loves you then hold on to them. We are so focused on opportunity that we don’t recognize love when it’s good for us. We sure see it when it’s hindering our selfish goals! We have all been affected by the way words are said, written or understood. The problem is when we don’t invoke the reality into our thinking. People say they keep it 100 but most of us don’t. We tend to place things over our relationships because “Love don’t pay no bills”. This is my biggest problem with the way a lot of our black people are taught. Money is our mate. I have to bring up the compromise with the job situation here. I have a friend who says “I can’t stand white people” yet he will work for them harder than he will a black person. I have a friend who talks ghetto but talks very professional at her job. I’m using these examples because we will bend over backwards for the JOB but if your mate asks you to do something you may not agree with its usually a hell nawww, I aint with that. Another case of opportunity over love. “Money over B—–. ” “No Money No Honey”

Until we realize that we need real love in our lives to balance out so called success then we will all fail.
Not to get religious but jesus died for us all(No separation of love because of race!!). We will use the word love in vain and to get what we want so it is really demeaning of the word itself. I’ve seen a lot of people that say “I love him or her but I’m Not In Love!” What the hell is that? I find it an excuse to keep this person on hold until you acheive your own goal, which is unfair. Most people place variables on love today that didn’t have anything to do with the original meaning of love. “I use to love her but she spent too much of my money.” ” I loved him but he lost his JOB and ain’t got no money.” “Money, money, money,money, money, money, money, MoneyYY, MONEYYYYY!!!” is the biggest deterent of love as it was meant because the value of our life has been placed on stacking paper!! WAKE UP!!!

“Love is colorless yet colorful when two are in love” My qoute!!

—-Quite frankly I am starting to take offense to this whole arm candy BS. Granted, these cases may exist here and there.—-

Sometimes it’s not simply about “arm candy” as it is a general disdain for features typically possessed by blacks. Things such as kinky hair, wide noses, big lips, etc.. So it’s not that the woman of another ethnicity is just pretty, it’s that so many black people (men and women) dislike these physical attributes and don’t want them in a mate, and try not to have them in their children.

Elle- Right On!

My guess is that people don’t communicate their likes/wants/needs and aren’t true to who they are (or can’t be such without killing any chances of getting the chance of a relationship).

Or it could be that many people go in relations with no concept of REALITY.l

The main problem I found in my relationships and others I know is that when our feelings get hurt, we want to hit below the belt. We lose respect for this person we say we love and things don’t get better.

We place a higher standard of conduct on black men and place a higher level of demand from black women. Both are usually unrealistic goals because it takes away from who we are. This helps to hurt our relationships because its like this. A black man is told that we are a threat and that we have to do this and that to make it in this life. We got to be smarter and work harder to be even. Never hit a woman and treat her like you want your mother or sister treated. Ok when we do this and that usually the outcome is rewarding?

Then the black woman is taught that you are a queen and you deserve all things. Your man needs to do this and that or he’s no good to you. You can do this and that for yourself but if you have a man, he needs to do it.

This is a conflict just waiting to happen. There has to be some compromise and we can’t be ready to leave if we don’t get our way. You have to talk and be truthful to each other. after you talk we each have to be a better listener to find a resolution.

The thing I dislike most is when we use the excuse of blacks being slaves, being brought up in the hood, daddy was in prison, or whatever the past issues were, to justify future actions in our control. If we want it we can have it.

You said, ” …why our relationships seem to always fail.” Yikes! My husband and I go through our ups and downs, but we haven’t “failed.” I call the relationship fluctuations “growing pains.” We’ve gotta watch our words. Saying something like “Black relationships seems to always fail,” is powerful and leans toward a self fulfilling prophecy. Careful what you speak. It could manifest in your own life.

I totally agree with you and have to say that i didn’t choose the title, it’s a strong title which lures people in I guess…… I do believe that we have more challlenges but don’t believe that black relationships in general always seem to fail. My own parents were together for 27 years … so

WOW..I cant believe that in the year 2010 we still have coments about interacial dating.
Love itself is not what it used to be..Nowadays the average person has the flexibitly to leave their spouse whenever they want to. Back then, not only was divorcing a taboo, but one would work at their relationship and difference. Today is a whole new different ball game. Its a competition out there. So either ur in a black, white, spanish relatioship all the Love aspect of it aint what it used to be..So if yall could find a man or woman no matter the race that has the old school values of love.. GO FOR IT..Cause that one is a keeper. Most are afraid of the word commitment these days. In my opinion its too bad cause loving someone is the biggest gift.

what the heck is Black Love? the only reason i would date a black person is because of cultural similarities

Infact, i am Nigerian and would only want to date a Nigerian (who has been in Nigeria for more than 15yrs) regardless of colour.

Black relationships fail because too many men are having multiple relationships with different women at one time.

How can anyone have a healthy, lasting relationship if the guy they are talking to, dating, dealing with, sleeping with, loving — has several other relationships at the same time?

I don’t think black women have a chance to build a great relationship if so many of our men don’t see the value up front to give ONE woman at ONE time a chance! Its all about who has the fatter ass, the fatter bank account, the best cooking at all times.. Just let one relationship grow, prosper without the constant comparisons or capitalistic approaches to dating, love and all things between.

*drops the mic!*

black relationships fail because…

1. too many black women are pitiful, sad creatures who have little or no respect for the sanctity of marriage and/or monogamous relationships. far too many of us have justified sleeping with unavailable men. so when you have women giving it away and expecting nothing in return, it makes it all the more difficult for a good woman to keep and find a good man.

2. statistically, black men have no reason to rush into any form of a long-term commitment. when you don’t have a ticking biological clock, when you’re a statistical commodity, why would you feel compelled to demonstrate and develop worthwhile relationships? so many black men spend a great deal of their time playing the game and stunt their emotional development by not learning how to love someone outside of themselves…including heir own children. in short, too many black men are immature, selfish bastards and that does not bode well for success.

3. black women are racists. most black women refuse to give up on the idea of marrying a black man…even at the expense of being alone. statistically, more of us go to college and obtain higher degrees in greater frequency than our male counterparts and for some reason, if push came to shove, we’d rather date the mechanic on the corner than consider the white dude at the water cooler in the three piece suit who knows that it’s “shrimp” not “skrimps.”

4. black womens’ self-imposed racial dating restrictions and fear of being alone has done something to us. we done turned crazy! either we’re alone, bitter and unapproachable due to years of rejection and ever declining standards, or when we do finally find a black man that’s slightly more than a booty call, we have the potential of becoming down right psychotic. you see now that we have the brotha, we have to hold on to him for dear life. without our constant nagging and endless supply of unprotected sex, he might go away and that can’t happen because we lust him so much. if we luck out and he doesn’t leave on his own, the chicks described in point 1 are always a sniff away so there’s this element of trench warfare in our relationships and God forbid we lose the battle and it turns out he is cheating. we can’t leave…we’re obligated to stay because statistically, the next guy is *really* going to be a jackass so we gotta stand by our man and while doing so, that infidelity can easily be mitigated by breaking into his email, calling every number in his phone, slashing his tires and in extreme cases grabbing the nearest smoldering substance or sharp object.

i could go on and on but in essence, black relationships fail mostly due to the failures of black women as a whole. we have collectively allowed our men to use, abuse, cheat and belittle us. as a result, we’re bitter, suspicious and angry due to our ever-decreasing standards.

black relationships will stop failing when black women stop failing to realize it’s us who control the outcome of our relationships. he can’t drink the milk if the kitchen’s closed and if he wants to open it up he’ll realize the importance of taking out the garbage. until then, surprise, surprise! that’s why house smells like ass.

@naani

You went Live and direct!! LoL. I understand where you are coming from except for one comment about the mechanic. I believe that is where some women go wrong in their personal quest for a mate or “True” love. Some women want that instant attraction to an already made man.
They don’t want mechanics or the laboring man. They want the Doctor, Pro Athelete, Lawyer, or whatever they feel will be more beneficial to them. The thing they fail to see is that dealing with an already man is that He Doesn’t Need YOU!!!

He has to want you but if wanting you is causing him to lose then more than likely he will lose you before losing what made him. I’m not saying this is every case but think about it.

You got this brother that’s working to do what he can for now. Just because he’s in a jumpsuit doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a three peice suit or just cause he doesn’t speak well doesn’t mean he is not intelligent. Women should really look at the individual man and his character. He may wear a jumpsuit and own the garage.

I’m not for or against Interracial dating but why is it that when we talk about Black male stereotypes the only positives pertain to size? Every other race is “Hard Working” , “intelligent”, and what ever good things that can be said. Most of the time black men don’t receive the benefit of the doubt. We are not all lazy, selling drugs, been to jail, cheaters, or not taking care of our kids but if we have done one then (”OH BOY, HERE GOES ANOTHER ONE”) were guilty of all of them.

If “Black”love is going to make it then all of us who have contributed to the commentary needs to contribute to the solution. If your man is lazy or your woman is demanding get together and work on these things. We are our leaders right now. We can’t expect someone else to fix us.

The problem is that every black men have been deluded into thinking that they are all the”Alpha” males and that every woman on this earth is fighting over them when some of them don’t posess a fraction of the alpha male traits. Hence, they come with this list of attributes they want in a mate and you must satify every one of them or else they are bouncing. Hold up brotha I have my own list of requirements too. Why in the hell you are only satisfying three on my checklist and I have to satify all your requirements. OF course I would love a 6 foot tall, strapping in the pants, bankrolling, handsome, educated, charming, considerate and affectionate brotha, but I am a realist and know that there is no such thing as the perfect package. If I am willing to make some concessions, you better be willing as well. Mother$ucka sweep up my remi hair while I suffer through your lackluster loving (modest appendage), one concession for another baby.

@N2Deep,

i agree with you but note, i didn’t mean that black women have problems dating a man who is below her economic status. in fact, i think far too many of us do but that’s a whole notha story.

i sited the mechanic example not as a status issue but rather to state how stupid it is that any person would choose to be alone or deliberately go below their economic station b/c of racial hangups.

being a good mate requires practice. you learn about yourself through your unions with others and if 70% of black women are single, never married, at what point are we learning how to be a better girlfriend let alone a better wife?

we’ve grown so accustomed to being alone that our strong black woman persona is often perceived as angry, lonely and bitter. that’s in part due to media but facts are, many of us are in permanent b*tch mode b/c we’re afraid we’ll never find our piece…uhm, peace

instead of seeking out any black man…from ceo’s to those on lock down, maybe it’s viable to see what tom from accounting is up to? where that may not end in matrimony, at least we’ll start getting relationship advice from experience rather than books, blogs, fam, friends and zines.

@naani

Thank You and I am with you 1000% on learning through experience. The worst thing people can do is not try if they are interested. We should take the info we are getting and use it to suceed instead of using it as an excuse no to do anything. Media is a monster. I think the more people travel and actually see things for themselves the less the Media will influence their decisions. The media shouldn’t be our only source for making choices because the media can imprison our minds without the bars.

I believe in the power of love and that there is someone for everybody.

The first thing that needs to be understood is that “black” love is failing just as much as any other kind of love. The problem exists due to the fact that we don’t truly love ourselves. Love is relative to what the individual perception of love is…I love my kids unconditionally…no matter what they might do to upset me, I love them but the same “love” is non existent in our relationships. We love based upon things done to validate our love..i.e. ring, new house, flowers etc…none of that crap proves anything. We must awaken our consciousness of love for self before we can ever hope to love another. There is no such thing as 80/20…we have to stop depending on our women and men to “complete” us…When we are whole (100%) with God, he will compliment you with that other whole person (100%)..Hotep

I think “trust” have a lot to do with keeping a relationship together. Both partners have to trust themselves and stay on the same page with each other about their feelings. So many people mislead their partner and give off the wrong feelings because they themselves don’t know what they want. I think we should get in touch with ourselves and get to know ourselves and share who we are with our partners. This can help reduce the confusion of trusting each other. At least we’ll be on the same page.

I think that for many, “black love” is defined in the traditional sense of the love of a black man towards a black woman. Obviously, this leaves room for many people to fall through the cracks (people who do not define themselves as black, people who love outside their race, or people in same-sex partnerships), but unfortunately, everything in this world isn’t PC (politically correct). So, I don’t think black love is dying, but rather believe that it is shifting, and simply reflecting the world as it changes.

Personally, I know I had to examine myself when it came to my quest for black love. As a black woman, I think we are socialized differently from our white counterparts. We’re taught to be strong, to fend for ourselves, and not to depend on a man (except our fathers or brothers, which in itself is problematic when these figures are non-existent) if we need anything. These means that from youth, we aren’t necessarily taught how, or that it’s okay, to feel a certain way towards a man, and that meeting his needs doesn’t mean we have to neglect ours.

I realized that the perceptions I had developed were holding me back from finding love because every time a guy asked me to do something simple, like close a window, I would fire back, “Why don’t you close the window?!?”, feeling some type of assault against my independence! Or I would insist on paying, even when he felt it emasculated him. And I knew that petty reactions like those could result in me being alone someday, with a vibrator and dry vajay-jay, and who wants that?!? So I made the decision to let myself be emotionally vulnerable, but wise, because there’s nothing wrong with wanting and having a man! And so far, it’s made a world of a difference!

And while I believe that it is okay for individuals to have “types” when seeking a partner because these are essentially guidelines, I think that it becomes a obstruction to love when these types are based off of superficial qualities, or exceptions are made for the flawed character trait of individuals simply because they meet certain physical standards of beauty or handsomeness. And I believe that even non-celebrity black men internalize some of these ideals of a particular “type” of woman being acceptable over another, as proof when my Godbrother described Snoop Dogg’s wife as looking like the, “before money woman”, which led me to inquire as to whether this statement was because she was not like the majority of other celebrity wives: somewhat ambiguous in their ethnic make-ups, and rocking from head to toe straight, long hair, and enough diamonds to make you cringe.

I don’t think “black love” in the traditional sense that I defined it will ever die because there will always be black men that love black women and vice versa. Maybe it’s overly optimistic, but I’m a believer that your attitude has a lot of power, so I will continue to exude the positive and walk in full faith that that there’s a great black man out there whose ready to love me all over!

@Anike Love

Thank you for putting it out there truthfully. Sometimes it takes a lot to admit our own faults. A lot of times we turn our strengths into our downfall instead of using it. I think in order for us to get what we want we have to be willing to meet part way. They don’t start the 12 step program on step12 do they? So why do we expect to get the perfect relationship without any effort?

Yes, African love is dead mentally and physically. We have no social structure here in America and since the institution of slavery and colonialization the African family struture was torn apart. psychologically were are mentally ill, defragmented, black males are social outcaste in terms of African social structure and therefore the African male and female relationship is all but gone. I might add that historically as an African peoples there were systems and structures within our family life that dictated how our African families would survive. Post-slavery and neo-slavery, we have been unable, especially African males have ever been able to restructure the family unit and our society. Now, today, African women, as for centuries, are again left to wonder about her existence, because that is what it boils down too genetic survival and at the rate we are going, African women here in America, and especially abroad, will become extinct. Sound kind of weird, but that is actually what is going on right now, genetic annihilation.

@ truthandjusticeforallMBA

How about taking the knowledge of our history and using it to change the future. I know your only one person but everything starts from one persons idea and effort to make it happen. Harriet Tubman, MLK, W.E. Dubois and many others started movements that were followed by many so it can happen. The best thing about people having a negative attitude is that they have the greatest potential to gain positivity.

@ N2Deep – Why does making observations make a person negative? We have to bring the uncomfortable subjects out into the open so that we can discuss solutions.

-

W

@truthandjusticeforallMBA

You sound crazy! LOL

The threat to “BLACK LOVE” (aka regular ass love just with two black people) has nothing to do with race again. The family structure is divide for all races. In the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s dad made the money mom took care of the homes. The business became more ineffeicent and move into politcs. They interjected Capitilism lessing the restraints on business which change the order of things. Inflation sky rocketed forcing moms and dads to work. With mom out the house whos teaching the kids how to act you ask? Those company with there t.v. shows and commecials raised us. Now a pair of Jordans mean more to some then life itself. Now females care more about what you have then what kind of person you are. Males care more about how you look then what kind of parent you’ll be. The pursuit of life, love and happiness change to the pursuit of money, money, and even more money than you need.

@Othaniel Cruickshank

I’m not saying observations make you negative. I’m just saying its very easy to identify the problems because they have been around since before we were born into them. My statement was meant to say that a lot of people choose pre-existing problems as the reason we can’t do. This is the path of least resistance because the answers are already there.

My statement also means that if we focus on the upside we can go farther. I’m always open for seeking solutions and I invite people to contribute to resolve. Nothing should be uncomfortable because life as it is can’t get anymore uncomfortable.

Tell me what has changed in the last 30 years besides technology. The only thing that had never happened has come to pass thanks to President obama. This comes from the majority of us focusing on the past while the few of us progress to change the future. we need more of us progressing so we can influence tomorrows future.

@ da ThRONe PREACH. Seriously marry me. I agree with your comments and a lot of others here. There is nothing wrong with black love. I believe that it all comes down to culture and the sort of society you where brought up in. Being a Nigerian living in London, I was brought up in a strong social community, where there’s shame in cheating, sleeping around, getting pregnant and all that stuff and where a lot of black families still comprise of two parents.

Granted that obviously people do what they want to do but what I am saying is that society has changed there is no shame anymore in having multiple partners, no one feels the need to get married anymore, it’s ok to have lots of babies with multiple partners, promiscuity etc… these have a great impact on the structure what is a relationship today.
I do agree however that through media, slavery day’s etc… black people physical features have been deemed as ugly by some. I believe this is the negative image that needs to be addressed. But a lot of black people don’t think this way, just because a man dates another race doesn’t mean he hates his own.

How often do we hold ourselves back from being emotionally ready to find love?

~~~ WAAAYYY too often. I’m 30, and I can say that I wholeheartedly believe I’m very level headed and I’m not afraid to search myself to find what I may be doing wrong or what I can improve within myself in order to be a better mate for some deserving man. (oh- didn’t realized I answered the second question here too… ) What I’ve found or what I THINK I see is the younger the generation, the futher they are from reality. And, it’s sad because these younger people are ‘learning’ from tv what beauty is, what love is, and so on versus how I learned… from my parents, grandparent, family. I’ve said before, will say now, and will say again… we can’t fault the failures of our youth strictly on them, (at least not all). I place some on the families. Families are less and less involved to instill in people STABLE emotional states. If an individual isn’t EMOTIONALLY stable enough for self-…no way in HELL will they be stable enough to be WITH somebody else… (just my two sense)

Instead of asking what’s wrong with the men and women you come across, how often do you look within yourself and your own issues as the root problem?

~~See first answer

Do you think that people’s reliance on “types” limits them when it comes to finding a life partner?

~~ YEP… because TV tells people what is pretty and beautiful. LIFE doesn’t seem to have shown us that beauty is within and exudes outwardly. (HOWEVER- I’m not saying to close your eyes or anything… LOL we are human we have the gift of sight and physical is USUALLY the first thing, just don’t let it be the ONLY THING.) Unfortunately, on TV the ‘type’ is usually ‘bright skin, long hair blah blah blah’. NOT realizing what’s USUALLY on tv is a CHARACTER and not a ‘true being’. We gotta stop this ‘typing’ in the ‘physical sense’ and get more into typing in ‘emotions and spiratual’ realm. I do have a ‘type’ when it comes to ‘criminal type -vs- hard workign type’… LOL and I think we all should! But as far as ‘oh he GOTTA be 250 6′6 NFLer’ not so much. Honestly, would I like that… YEP, but realistically, I know ‘good guys’ come in all heights, sizes, shapes and careers… so I’m not limiting myself…no sir!

Do you think dating outside the race is good or bad for the African American community?
~~ I don’t think it’s good or bad. I think if you are dating outside yoru race because that particular person is interesting to you adn you both enjoy each other… I say go for it. If you are dating outside your race because you feel you’re ‘IMPROVING” or ‘TOO GOOD’ for your race…then yeah- that’s bad and sad! I think what’s good for us, as an African American community, is to support each other in POSITIVE things… even if it’s a black woman who has found ‘LOVE’ (not lust or status) in a man of another race, or a black man who’s found LOVE in a woman of another race (not lust or status). If YOUR BLACK COMMUNITY MEMEBER is happy, be happy with them and for them. Stop pointing fingers and fussing about who and where pepole find love… if you stop the fussing, you MIGHT be able to find love in YOUR black, white, green, orange, yellow or what ever mate yourself! (me using ‘you’ wasn’t directed to any person in particular… just ‘you’ as in whom ever is the guilty party!)
Do you think that Black love is dying? Not at all!If so, why?

@ Mizzie, I think that we as black people were to dig deep, we would see that all our major community issues are rooted in our induction into this country. It was our race that made white conclude in their minds we were inferior to them. I would recommend you read the Willie Lynch Letter. There you will find the source of the bad dynamic between black men and black women today. I can’t ignore race or foget about our history. I guess you can because it must help you sleep better.

it does seem like modern black love is not strong. the only ones that seem to hold it tight are the elderly couples. but then same goes for modern white people. there is not as much emphasis to get married and stay with one person forever as there used to be.
there are ofcourse rare cases of strong black love. but it is difficult to find because a lot of black men and women seem to feel nagativly for each other and don’t have as much mutual respect as white people do. the generalisations such as black women have attitudes or all black men are no good are damaging and engrained in young black girls and boys, so no wonder.
where i live in the u.k it seems that black love barely exists and i’m wondering whether i myself as a mixed black girl would be more compatible with a non black man because i feel that black men don’t respect me enough.

I think that alot of our issues are not esoteric but the approach we take in how we deal with them are. In my line of work I see the destruction in the attitudes, views, beliefs, etc. of Black women because their disappointment in Black men. While at the same time, Black men have their own unproductive views of Black women, relationships, family, etc. The common element is that the understanding, support, encouragement, respect is lacking both ways. Neither one wants to accept or appreciate the position of the other and so the cycle continues. We have to start with ourselves and how we learn to accept, appreciate and respect ourselves then we can change our view of the other.