If it’s just a relationship as long as the pictures are out of sight and not in his wallet I don’t mind. But marriage is a whole different ball game. That’s a commitment for forever so no past relationships need to be brought into it.

Oooo, I guess I am bad. I never kept mementos – except jewelry and clothes. When the person was gone, the pics and stuff went with them. Easier to move on.

Ironically enough, my husband used to have a huge pic album of old mementos – pics, awards, notes, cards, etc. It never really bothered me so I did not ask him to get rid of it. I mean its not like it was out on my coffee table or anything.

I do remember him pulling it out when we moved in together, then he packed it away. It moved from house to house to house with us. He eventually threw it out during a basement clean out or something.

If you are the new person in someone’s life, mementos are really not a big deal. They could still be friends with that person and they had a life before they met you. If you care about that person, then (agreeing with NWSO) the idea is not to become a memento yourself

I feel you about not deleting numbers. I need to know who this is calling me. Especially people I wouldn’t usually talk to..but only gave them my number so I could get the hook up on something. Yeah I know, sad but true! Now when they call I can ignore. Or better yet, my phone has a feature that can make calls go straight to voicemail…I couldn’t vm your ass if I deleted your number! I will say this though, there have been a few old numbers/emails that have tempted me. On one of those days when I need a fix…I know such and such was always good for….etc. But then I have to keep reminding myself why it didn’t work or I know that even though I only want one thing…dude is going to think it’s more than what it is. So I just refrain and figure out something else..lol

I would never make an ex throw away all of his keepsakes of relationships past. Hell it’s his life, not mine. As long as he isn’t comparing me and our relationship with the old flame, then I’m ok.
Even if we were married, it’s ok for you to have memories, cuz i do too. As long as you don’t go and visit your memories often. Truth is that if what we have is real, more than likely those memories will be “misplaced” somehow. I.E. during the basement cleanout..lol

And the thing about keeping ole dude’s picture front and center…yeah she wasn’t over him. I have a picture of a dude on my desk at work that is bordering 2 years old….and regardless of what BS I tell my friends..I know I’m not over him. Maybe she shouldn’t have stepped into the dating world until she can get that situation straight.

I have not an intention in the world of getting rid of anything that gives me good memories especially with all the negative I deal with on a daily. Now, no I do not have a picture of my ex chillin on the fireplace but I definitely have a shoebox of great memories an I’ll be damned if I throw those away because my current mate has a problem with it, get over it

I think you have to do whatever is necessary to get over that person.

But after a breakup we rarely think rationally and start throwing away valuable stuff because of so called associations.

Several months when you’ve come out of that daze you are going to regret giving away that watch or DVD player! I’m just saying.

While I personally would never have a pic of my ex on my fridge or anywhere I can see it daily, I do not judge whether or not a person who does is over his/her ex. Different strokes … and so on.

I do not throw “memories” away but I remove them from where I can see them. Generally, I love taking pictures and make sure to keep them to be able to look at them every now and then. Fotoalbums are the ish to me.
Should anyone ask me to throw away pictures or gifts of my exes, he is in for a disappointment. Not going to happen. Heck, that would mean I’d have to get rid of some superhot Adidas and my iPod….errrrr no … I love both way too much to ever get rid of them – broken heart or not.

What I do though is delete that person’s phone number. I have no business ever calling him again so why bother. Drunk texting/calling while I’m still trying to get over the heartbreak is not cute and deleting a number is a precautionary means.
I don’t like “phone clutter” and always keep my contacts to a minimum because I have a horrible memory so what’s the point of keeping a person’s number if I cannot remember who he or she is.

I have a friend who when she was preparing to get married, called each of her ex (those who she was still friends with) to say that she can no longer be friends with them anymore. Her Fiance did the same with his exes.
It was an agreement that they decided was for the best. I’m not sure I quite agree with what they did, because I would hate for someone who I now considered to be a friend to call me out of the blue to say we cant be friends….but it works for them and I suppose getting married is a different level of commitment.

Wow! This topic hits close to home. For the most part i don’t care what memories you keep, i.e pics, gifts, scrap books, because I no matter what you physical things you throw out, memories live forever.

But framed photos, her layouts on your coffee table, and her belongings still in your crib, is DEF a big issue! that’s a bit much. Memories don’t bother me as much as emotions. If after 2 years into a new relationship your reasoning for not bringing the one you are currently involved with, (claim to adore, do anything you could for and cant part without) to life changing, important, family, and close friends events and celebrations bc “she” most likely will be there and its all about how “she” may feel is UNACCEPTABLE………… What do you think?

Men/women like to say,” we are not together” but you might as well be if the progression of your current relationship is stagnant bc you aren’t over her/him.

I agree with your basic sentiments, Ans. IMO, you have to be insecure to ask your woman to get rid of important memento’s of her life, even when they include previous boyfriends. I don’t personally want to know about the previous dude and I don’t see many occasions when his name or anything about him should come up. But a woman with her EX’s pic in visible places has issues she needs to deal with before I would think a relationship with her could be serious. I periodically go through my phone and delete numbers I can’t remember who they belong to. When I no longer remember you, your number is no longer important. And as far as stranger numbers appearing on my phone, I let it go to voicemail and if they don’t leave a msg, I figure it’s not important, a wrong number or a tele marketer. I’m not the type to cal lback numbers I don’t recognize to findout who was calling me. Wrong numbers or EX’s trying to call from an unrecognized number don’t equate to something I need to waste brain energy thinking about. I have pic’s but I rarely go through them unless it’s time to move or some event of that nature. Reminiscing about past loves is not a thing I devote much time or effort to. It’s to easy to romanticize about the past; too easy to generalize about good times while glossing over the nitty gritty of life. I live for the future; I’m aware of the past and the lessons I learned, but I’m moving onward and forward.

Momentos are just that. But if it bother’s my significant other that much, then I’ll get rid of them

I am with you NWSO, if a new friend insist that I erase all memories of my old friends, it is probably a good reason for me to have to erase them.

I am no playa and I never cheated on a committed relationship and so when I keep mementos, pictures or keepsakes it iss because they have some value to me. If you cannot respect the things I value then why are with me. It is disrespectful and callous to display those things or constantly reference them or the old person to the new person. Because why do it unless you haave to, it will gain you now benefits.

I have a cherished carving in my living room that an old girlfriend gave me many years ago. Would a new person want to insist that I throw that out because of the source. Hell naw!!

I keep numbers, addresses and contact information not for everyone but usually if that person is now a friend or a good business contact.

I usually get rid of all contact info of my exes before starting a new one. I had several coach wallets an “ex” gave to me each year we were seeing each other but i threw them all out cus I didn’t need to be reminded of him. I think its my way of closing one door before opening another.. but I won’t go telling someone to get rid of there old treasures for me… I rather top em with better ones… (wink)….

I won’t delete numbers for the exact same reasons: to prevent picking up after wondering ‘who is this?’ and in the case that I NEEDED to call for any (awful and hopefully not-gonna-happen) reason. I put phone numbers for people I don’t want/need to talk to under x-NAME. I have about 10 people in that category. Not gonna change that. Not nevah.

I’ve tossed pics with exes and regretted it. So I won’t do that again either.

I feel that I’m reasonable (not flaunty and not booty-call-y) with my ex mementos, so any future lovers don’t have a choice but to deal unless they can reasonably point something out that makes them uncomfortable.

HOWEVER.

Not letting go of the past by rubbing it in someones face or holding YOUR past against NEW love isn’t fair. I’ve done that and I’m learning not to. And I’ve had that done to me and I don’t like it. That’s a whole nother ball game?

Keep your exes number. Just don’t come to my place smelling like her.

I’m not gonna front… momentos and all kinds of exes numbers in the phone kinda bothers me, but I would never make a man delete or throw away anything…thats just stupid and pointless!! If he wanted to get rid of them it would mean so much more to me if he did so without me bitching or asking him to..thats just something that I’d have to ignore… unless I’m living with him and he has a picture of his ex hanging in the damn livingroom.

I mean really…no matter how many pics seen or unseen he can always go back to the EX if he wants to, why add the stress!!

I personally delete and throw away because that’s how I heal, cleanse, rid myself of that person. I wouldn’t expect him to live by my standards or my way.

Look at Ans Name Dropping on us peasants! LOL

Doing stuff like this is completely pointless. I have said this before and Ans touch on it as well people will do what they want to do period. If I am still in constant contact with an ex deleting her number wont do much. Likewise if I havent talked to her in years tearing up a photo wont secure anything.

Trust your instincts. If you do think a potential/current mate isnt over a past mate. Simply express your concerns and if at the end you arent satisfied with that person answers and/or demeanor after you express your concerns then bounce.

I frankly have lost keepsakes due to natural disasters….Im not going to willingly throw away any more.

I had a situation with the fidge before. It was a large group shot with a wonderful friend that sadly passed away a few years ago. But because there was an ex, the guy had a fit….you can guess where he is now, because i have no clue.

I dont understand why many dont get the concept that people had a life before their relationship.

Oh hell no. Asking someone to delete an ex or stop seeing them is a BIG red flag. I know this from experience. If someone insists on your doing that — especially if you just started dating, RUN. Seriously.

NWSO…I thought I was the only person that kept all phone #’s of people I dont mess with anymore just to keep tabs on whose calling and if I wanted to talk to them or ignore!! Most of the pics I have with my ex’s are in my photo album just for one thing…cuz I look good in the picture! I never throw away cute pics of me!!!

- A.D.
(Great blog…keep it up!)

I find it kind of remarkable that almost ery’one up in here is on one accord. All mature, responsible and PC. Nery a one of you the jealous, irrational, unreasonable type. How cool is that? Exactly, smells like B/S to me too………By the time you’ve developed and professed LOVE for a person, over the months and years that you’ve dealt with them, if they ask something of you–that you can do, that will make them happier, that may make them better equipped to deal with pain, or anguish, unreasonable and inexplicable as it may be–you’re going to TRY to work with them: To do what you can to allay their fears. Maybe their dad just died and now they feel everyones gonna abandon them. U tryn to tell me you wouldn’t delete a number from your phone, or destroy a picture of an “EX” for this person you may spend the remainder of your life with? WTF? You can’t compromise on a picture retention policy for love? You would toss love for an old phone number? Well, if you can consider an exception for extraordinary circumstances, how about just to make your loved one comfortable? Just bcuz you findout she’s insecure late in the game–does that change the love you’ve developed and professed? Who among us has experienced True Love–without making a sacrifice; an adjustment; without compromise? My most fondest memories are the ones I can se and relive just by closing my eyes. I can see vivid colors, hear sights and sounds and other things that a picture alone can not reproduce. The memories committed to memory are like knowledge: No one can EVER take them away!
And a pack rat by any other name is STILL a pack rat!

DC MAN WITH A PLAN! YOU ARE AMAZING! Relationship is about compromise, and its sad that in this day and age i find it to be sooooo draining bc people have the “this is me, love me or leave me alone” mentality. Respect and Love the one you are WITH, because living in the past is sad. Learn from it and move forward with confidence and better insight.

@DC Man

Only speaking for myself here. I do experience jealousy but just like any emotion it can be control and use to your benefit. I am a logical thinking person and expecting a person to trash there momentos for any reason is just dumb. Either that person embrace all the things that happen in life and you need to get over it. Or their stuck on an old flame and you need to get gone. Its not complex and actuallly is a great measuring stick of where you are in that relationship.

@JusLisaE

I dont think its a matter of compromising at all. Its a matter of trust, maturity, and compatibity. I dont think any mate has the right to come in regulating other life. I am a huge advocate of unselfishness in relationships and I think any ounce of selfishness will kill any couple. But you cant compromise who you are and your past is a part of who you are. If you are mature and honestly think that the person your dating is over said ex what differences does it makes if they have pictures of them in their crib?

Your absolutely right Throne, but if you saw my original comment I said I don’t waste my time trying to rid pics and gifts because memories cant be erased. My guy has pics of hs exes up and it doesnt bother me, But if it were framed on the coffee table I may feel a way about it. There is a boundary between old keep sakes and a pair of underwear, or a tooth brush. Like I said its the emotional attachment for me, not so much old numbers and photos. I don’t compromise who I am but I def take in consideration the feelings of the one i am with if in fact I want to be with them and its worth it.

I won’t lie… when I found some pictures of females that belonged to my (soon to be ex) husband, I was really upset. I couldn’t understand why he was holding onto these little wallet sized photos with “i love you D” and “i will miss you D” written on the back of them. It took me awhile to calm down and I never said anything to him about it because I knew I would be a hypocrite. I have made so many photo albums of my life and they have pictures of a lot of people, including my exes. I cherish them because of the memories and they remind me of where I came from…I don’t want to give them up so I can’t expect or ask anyone else to either.

I once made the mistake of deleting a number that I never thought I would use…some guy I went on one date with months before…and he ended up calling me out of nowhere. It was an aweful conversation. I won’t make that mistake again… the numbers stay.

In regards to the “this is me, love me or leave me alone” comment. While it is very necessary to compromise in relationships I find when you have to rearrange so much of your lifestyle or yourself to be with a person, then it probably isn’t the right person to be with. I think that’s why so many people have that mentality. Take me for face value and if I am the one for you and your the one for me I won’t have any problem changing what makes you uncomfortable and compromising. Let that be my decision.

Do none of yall and your exes ever change phone numbers?

Maybe I’m living a little too “Jason Bourne-ish” but I constantly change my number or add a new one to the pool. That alone reduces the number of people whose calls I have to dodge.

*shrugs*

Would you throw out pictures and mementos because your mate asked you?
- If a mate asked, probably not because it would’ve been done WELL before a new person came into the picture.

Do you think that’s a fair request for a long-term relationship?
- Probably.

What about for a marriage?
- Absolutely, UNLESS the person was married/in a long-term relationship at one point and there were pictures with shared children (if there were any children).

Is it disrespectful to the person you’re with to keep pictures of your ex up?
- In my opinion, yes.

Do you think someone who keeps mementos and pictures of their ex up isn’t over them?
- Wouldn’t be surprised.

Do you delete people’s numbers after you stop dealing with them for good? Why?
- 99% of the time, yes. It’s a symbolic way for me to move on with this journey called life. If things ended badly and/or there isn’t much else to say, why bother keeping the information? However, if things ended on a positive note and/or a STRICTLY platonic relationship can be maintained, there may not be anything wrong with keeping the information. Ending things on a positive note may even be beneficial to moving on, as it could make doing so easier. JMO of course.

Do you think it’s too much of a temptation?
- For me, no.

Do you think deleting someone’s contact info is symbolic of deleting them from your life?
- For me, absolutely.

Do you agree that such requests are the sign of an insecure or jealous person or do you actually agree?
- Not necessarily. It’s a matter of respect.

Would you break up with someone because they refused to let go of the past?
- Yes. But then again, people show their true colors faster than many want to believe, so it wouldn’t even get that far with me. The person would probably say or do something that made it obvious that they weren’t over their ex.

@JusLisaE

If somebody is holding on to their exes underwear or a lock of hair or some shit like that clearly they still have issues. But a key chain or birthday card is no big deal. I personally would rather them make it clear that their stuck on their exes so I can avoid them up front.

If I am holding onto a lock of hair or underwear, I am making a doll that looks like him and sticking pins in it.

So yeah, I guess that would be issues . . . . Must be the Carrib in me

*shrug*

I’m just saying . . . .

I delete numbers of people I have no intention of ever talking to again. If somebody calls me and I don’t recognize the number, I feel like if they REALLY want to talk to me, they will either call back or leave a message because I’m not answering the phone! Deleting their number from my contact list is symbolic to me deleting them out of my life.

I’ve made some BAAAAD mistakes the last two years of my life and deleting numbers and getting rid of mementos has been a way for me to get rid of the toxic influences in my life. Out of sight, out of mind. Unfortunately, I can’t get rid of the memories, but I do have the lessons I learned and that’s all the reminders I need to get on with my life and make mature decisions from here on out.

We as humans can’t read each others hearts and minds. All we have is words and really, actions, to sort of understand each other. Somebody taking the time to get rid of something from their past in order to make and continue a future with me without being asked to do so, that would mean a lot to me.

Would I break up with someone who kept mementos from his past relationships? I’ve been in some pretty crazy situations where jealousy got the best of me. Being crazy isn’t something that I want to be known for. And I regret those moments all the time. People always show, one way or another that they are not completely over their ex. And as I have learned, demanding someone to get rid of something will not make the situation better. I think that would be my cue to move on before I make myself look stupid and desperate.

I do realize that people have pasts and not everything can be thrown out just because someone new is in your life. If whatever it is, music, dvds, books… is something that was a shared common interest with the ex, I couldn’t see myself making them get rid of it for me, because what we choose to listen to, watch, read, may have shaped our thinking and personality. That quirky part of their personality may be what drew them to me in the first place. Demanding someone to get rid of those types of things could lead down to the path of trying to change a person to match what YOU want them to be and THAT never ends well.

*note to self dont date BMW2K*

Ok so ? what if its your ex thats asking you for the pic of yall back then what?

Im a logical thinking guy and I require a logical thinking gal. If you cant be smart about your actions and in control of your emotions I dont want to be with you. I have been single for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time.

im just saying its bad enough when you new mate try an have you to trash your old memories of the past i.e pic, phone numbers and email ect. but you can’t take memories out someone mind or heart of there ex! but i think its f up when ur ex ask you for all of the pic back of yall!

Wow, you must’ve been talking to one of my exes, with this post. I asked her to get rid of her photos and phone numbers, not because, I was insecure, or jealous, but because I felt it was very disrespectful to our relationship, and what we were trying to build, for her to hold on to those things. she gave me that same excuse, about wanting to keep the numbers so she would know who to dodge, and that even though she was no longer with her exes, they are now friends, oh and my favorite, ” why are you being so controlling”. It wasn’t about either of those things, it was about respect, and if these exes were your friends, then they would respect, that you have a man, and its not appropiate, for them, as one of your exes, to continue talking to you, its been proven, that at some point in time, thats going to turn into a problem. I could have easily done the same, but I told all of my interest, and exes, that I got aldy, and Im not trying to make her uncomfortable by speaking to them, Im not going to act like I dont know them when I see them, but as far as choppin it up on the phone, Im going to have to step back for a minute, and they respect that, so why cant you do the same. As far as the photos, if they are exes, then obviously, something went wrong somewhere with your relationship together, now why would you want to remember something gone wrong, when Im trying to do something right with you, especially, if you dont have any attachments(kids) with them, then it will be something different, so just get rid of all the things from the past, they had their chance and they blew it, so give me my chance, I wasnt there to interfere when they had you, so I dont want them to interfere while I got you. nothing to do with jealousy, and insecurity.

@taylormade

No disrespect but you do sound controlling. Its only disrespectful if you take it that way. The idea that outside people wont be a problem with your relationship just because you guys ended contact with other friends and exes is so naive to me. If somebody going cheat their going to. Cleaning house isnt going help that. You just come off as controlling and insecure by requesting so.

when ur just dating its not really fair for the other person to assume they’re important enough for you to get rid of mementos from your past…recent or not… BUT when tou have crossed into engaged or married territory I think as a sign of true commitment those things should be discarded… i mean you have chosen the last person you hope to ever need…i dont feel your past should matter AT ALL in ANY WAY ANYMORE…

Whaddup NSWO… i know its been a minute… ill speak my piece…

Would you throw out pictures and mementos because your mate asked you?

Depends on the senario but i doubt it..

Do you think that’s a fair request for a long-term relationship?

Hmm… I’m really picky about people telling me what to do so I really dont know… on a case by case basis? Also i could see if the past kept interfering w/the present (and no not just the other person in relationship said it does…)

What about for a marriage? Is it disrespectful to the person you’re with to keep pictures of your ex up?

Marriage? maybe… it depends on hwo the relationship went and what impact is putting on the current one… for one I dont wanna see my ladie’s past conquest every time I go down the hall… maybe a photo album would be more suitable….

Do you think someone who keeps mementos and pictures of their ex up isn’t over them?

possibly….more than likely…. to me its a flashing red light sign…. but hen thats just me….

Do you delete people’s numbers after you stop dealing with them for good? Why? Do you think it’s too much of a temptation?

It depends on how deep it went…. think of it like an addiction…. you get addicted to the persons personality; voice; secent; and if you have access you may just relaspe and then have to cut them off again…. re-live the whole “i gotta get her out of my system thing” shit… i’ve been there…..so i say burn the bridge and if its meant for you to cross @ another time it’ll find a way back to you and you’ll be wiser for it….

Do you think deleting someone’s contact info is symbolic of deleting them from your life?

no.. more like shutting them out for a minute cause chances are if you frequent the same areas you’ll run back into em….

Do you agree that such requests are the sign of an insecure or jealous person or do you actually agree?

if in some way its hindering the relationship.. take it as a sign to break out quickly… a person shouldnt have to change but so much for it to work… secondly if she has pics of him up and vise versa…. it may be a sign that things arent as permanent as you’d believe em to be…. (personally a cue that shes over him is when you pictures start to outnumber his or his disappear)… if not your just the rebound… sorry…or even more so the one shes using to get the one shes losing ( yikes!)

Would you break up with someone because they refused to let go of the past?

depends… im friends with plenty of my exes but i wouldnt have their pis up around the crib…. so her having her ex up still would let me know im low on the pecking order…. shit now that i think of it its kinda disrepectful if you both decide to take things more seriously and those pics are still up….. photo album please…..

@ice cold heart

They shouldn’t have given them to you in the first place or they should have got them a copy a while ago, because if I was the owner they clearly wasn’t in a rush to see them when we was together. Don’t start now

@taylormade

I have to agree with your lady. That behaviour is controlling.

My exes are a part of my past. My past is a part of my present and maybe of my future as well. And just because something went wrong doesn’t negate the times when things were good between them and me.

Maybe you could only fall in love with her because of the things she learned in her previous relationships? Thoses exes don’t always have to be bad. Sometimes you can be thankful for the work they did before you came into the picture.
Example: Because of my first boyfriend I learned how to cook. Number two taught me how differently men function and to be understanding of the differences. The last one showed me how open and honest communication really works. So all of their “work” combined made me into who I am today as far as relationships are concerned.

Now, if she is constantly hanging out with them, I could see why you might feel uncomfortable.
But her having pictures, gifts or their numbers does not imply that she is not over them. Let her hold on to her good memories.

While I respect the position espoused by Da Throne bcuz he consistently portrays a mature, solid position, I also have to say this is a theoretical exercise, so it is EASY to respond to in the abstract without answering a few Key questions, such as: HOW did my woman come to see my pic’s? Was I moving, or did I light candles and open MY shrine to my EX’s on the anniversary date of our break-up? Did she see them bcuz I take them out every Friday to look at and reminisce over? Did she see them bcuz I usually have them hidden, but last time I left her at my crib, I inadvertently left them out? How do you know who my Ex is and what she looks like unless you knew them, or I told you about them and showed you their pic? How TF does talk of an EX and pic’s of an EX come up? And what type of pic is it? Would it be different if your EX was semi-nude in the pic you cherish? Do you get to a point where you say: Here is my secret shrine to relationships past? Personally, I’m into taking pic’s and have several camera’s, but I just don’t REALLY give a hoot about your EX, other than in the initial stages of dating I do wanna know how that relationship ended, (ie,,. did one of y’all cheat, did y’all out grow each other) is he stalking you….lol….but ME ask to see a pic of your last dude? Naw, I think NOT! I have NEVER asked a woman to see a pic of her EX, so if she had pic’s, I didn’t see them–and for me, that’s the way it should be. Keep what you want to keep, just keep it out of my sight. I don’t want to look at your telephone log, but I can understand someone I grow in love with , may. And if you’re my woman, AND I love you, I’m willing to entertain options I ordinarily wouldn’t consider on my own. People who can’t see themselves altering something as simple as ONE phone number or picture for love–probably need to be alone FOREVER. A one time request doesn’t automatically escalate to multiple requests and doesn’t become an act of control. But hey, different strokes for different folks. Whatever works for you…I’m just trying to be open to the possibility I may grow to love someone who has different values in certain areas, a different perspective based on different experiences and I’d like to think I can compromise on things that don’t challenge my central values and interests. After all, you don’t grow to love ery’one you’ve been with or will be with. IMO, Love is worth doing somethings differently for the chance at a happier union.

@DC Man

I kinda think all your questions was my point. You have to process what your seeing and decide for yourself if your current/potential mate is or isnt over their ex. Because the truth is most people wont tell you or more innocently dont realise they are still caught up.

Knowlegde is power. Dont go all pyscho and ignore the signs that tells you weither or not said person is just sentimental or still too emotionally attached to an ex. And like I said insecurity is a huge turn off to me. If I give my lady ever reason to believe shes the one and shes always looking for a reason to find a problem then it wont work anyways.

@ DA Throne and Elle,

I never made a demand or a request that she get rid of these things,I simply just told her how I felt about the situation, and it was up to her, to decide if she wanted to get rid of them. I was cool with whatever decision she made but it was also my choice if I wanted to continue seeing her after her decision.My thing was, if I’m coming to you, as your man and telling you that I have a problem with something, and you turn around and tell me, that I’m being “insecure” or “controling, I could have been like other dudes I know, and just start throwing away shit, and smashing phones, without a question, but I came to her straight up, and said, this might be a problem. If the shoe was on the other foot, and she would have came to me and said, she didnt feel comfortable with me keeping some pictures, or she didnt feel comfortable with me talking to my exes, I would have taken care of that on the spot, ” hey my lady dont feel comfortable with us choppin up on the phone, so Im going to have to step back a litttle, and a ” real friend” would understand and respect that. Thats an easy fix. I just wanted to know that we were on the same page in the relationship, and If I came to you with a promblem as small as a photo, or a phone number, and got a bad reaction, then what about when I come to you with a bigger issue. It wasn’t about me thinking she was going to cheat just because she had these things, because I feel the same as you, If some one wants to cheat, its going to happen anyway. to make a long story short, she is now my ex, and she told me she got rid of the pics, and the numbers after that happened, so what was so hard about it, at the time when it became an issue.

Its hard for people to concive that someone else made them happy at one time. I remember telling an ex that I’ve come to terms with your past sexual encounters long ago. But I could never get over the idea of someone making her smile like I could.

So it gets to you when you see your partner just as happy and comfortable with someone else when see those past pictures.

With that said. That is my own issue to deal with not theirs. Though I will say its an insult to the partner if they left lying around. Exes should be shelved in the closet in a shoe box. Not pinned up or displayed.

I can’t tell you who you should delete and keep. If I picked a good partner, she will have enough restraint from needing to know her ex still thinks of her.

@taylormade

WOW where do I get started? LOL

Ok in your originally post you said “I asked her to get rid of her photos and phone numbers, not because, I was insecure, or jealous, but because I felt it was very disrespectful to our relationship”. So you either express to her how you felt or you asked her to get rid of them only you know which one.

Second This is deeper than photos. Its about your lack of trust in her decision making. Because if you really trusted her this wouldnt be a problem. Like DC man pointed out if she is pulling out these photos in front of you and going all emotional thats one thing ,but if she has random photos through out the crib or scrapbook or something to that affect why make it a big deal.

You use the respect defense but where is the respect for her decision making and her right to be friends with whom ever she chooses. To a point I made earlier. If you cant trust her than its the right move to not be with her ,but you will never know what a person will do behind your back. You have trust issues and your trying to justify them by labeling it as disrespect. When its far more disrespectful for you to try and control who she can and cant talk to. And what memories she can hold on to and which ones she cant.

So basically this is some way for you to test your mate? Which I completely disagree with. When women have tried to test me in the past I fail on purpose. Im not an ACT or SAT dont test me. If the phone numbers and photos arent a big deal then let it go. There’s a difference between compromising and going Sergant Slaughter on her telling her what she can and cant keep. If you care about her you would want her to have things that are meaningful to her. Its really selfish to expect her to change who she is just to make you happy. And label her as selfish because she wont buckle to your demands(because thats what it appears to me to be)

And the idea anybody would throw another person personal possesions away or bust up somebodies phone and think their justified is insane. You said it like just because you havent went to the extremes that this somehow makes it better. It doesnt.

It sounds like the only person you let get inbetween you guys relationship is Y O U.

Wow. Just wow.

@nwso
this is true!

pic are just pic and thats all you can’t date pic!

you can get rid of all the pic of any of you exs you can get rid of all the numbers and everything and anything that is material things! thats is not going to stop you from thinking about that person! This older guy told me at work to day that he has been married for 16y now and every now and then he still think and wonder how his ex is doing!

It has nothing to do with Trust, insecurity, or control. The point was, that I expressed to my lady at the time, as her man, that I had an issue with something. Now if she would have come to me with an issue, that she didn’t feel right about, of course I would have asked why, and tried to reassure her that it would not be a problem, but at the same time, if it was something that she was really uncomfortable with, I would have elimminated it right there, she wouldn’t have to worry about it, of course I want my lady to be happy. So if I came to her with the same problem, I would expect the same reaction. Thats just to easy of a fix.
It becomes disrespectful, when you tell your partner, that you have a problem with something, and they continue to disreguard your feelings, by continuing to put you in a situation which makes you feel uncomfortable.
Of course they have that right, they are adults, they can do what they want, but I also have the right to choose not to be apart of it.
What one person see as disrespectful, might not be seen the same way by the other, but the only way they could know that, is by you telling them, “hey, I dont feel right about that”.
It has nothing to do with trust, insecurity, or control. It could be a little “Sacrafice”, but thats what people in relationships do, they dont things even if they dont agree, to keep the other person happy. I would do the same if it was some one I really cared about, and wanted to be with. So when this issue came about, and I came to her with an issue, I was expecting her to take care of it, I didnt demand that she do it, its just that I was expecting her to. It was no test, I dont play games, Im to old for that, maybe as a single man, but when in a relationship, with somebody, I see as potential for actually going far with, its all real, but trust, in a situation like this, I will walk away like I never knew you, no matter how much time and work was invested in the relationship.
you say you should try and compromise, but you cant compromise with something like that, then that would be controling, now youre saying ok, you can only talk to, or see, or look at these pictures for or at a certain time, now thats controling and managing.
I dont have time for that, I can just walk away, all I need is a answer you either are, or youre not, and thats what I will base my decision off.
Thats why a lot of people end up in dead end relationships, because of compromising, you say ok, we can meet half way, on this, but you really dont mean it. Compromising is a temporary fix, the same issue will arise again, cause you will always wonder if the other is holding up there part of the deal. like I said, if she came to me with a problem, i would totaly elliminate it, If it means stop talking to a friend, then so be it. A real friend would understand, and still be a friend if the relationship fails. Its not that hard, no matter who, what, when, where, or how, she the issue came about, the point is it makes her uncomfortable, so it needs to go away. So if I would do it for her, then I would expect the same.

@taylormade

I guess Im failing to see the disrespect here. And clearly if you guys couldnt see eye to eye on that it was a lost cause.

It seem like you were doing what I used to. Take offense to things that didnt even offend me. Its way too hard to find a honest good will girlfriend. If you find one I would suggest you dont push her away over something so trivial.

I cant tell you about you but from the outside looking in this is very much about control. My rule of thumb in a relationship is if its your issue you fix it. How fair is it to expect her to change because you have the issue?

@taylormade

On the very surface, I understand your point of view. You are unhappy about something your partner does, you express that and expect her to have your best interest at heart and stop said behaviour. If she doesn’t, you gather that you are not that important to her.

Correct?

In some instances, that approach is understandable and maybe the way to go. However, relationships are not that cut dry. Some things require more understanding on your part, or more sensitivity, or the ability to see things from her POV.
We could turn this around and look at it from her angle: This is me. He expects me to change something to accomodate him in my life. Why would I do that when I thought he loved me the way I am? I am not trying to change him. Why does he try to change me into something I am not? Why doesn’t he love and accept me the way I am?

Like ThRONe, I do not see where disrespect comes into the picture here. She is not disrespecting you. She is simply respecting herself if she holds on to things or people that are important to her. I could even venture to say you are disrespecting her when you only accept parts of her and want to toss out others. That’s not how it works. I mean what’s next? Where do you draw the line? Example: You have a fallout with her mom and expect her to cut all ties to be loyal to you? Or let’s say she has a cat and you are allergic to cats. Is she supposed to get rid of the cat to prove her love to you?

No disrespect, but IMO you are in for a lot of disappointment if you hold on to your “my way or the highway” approach. Pressure causes resistance. There is only so much resistance possible before pressure breaks things.

Just saying.

I dont know about what one would do. I was never one to ask current boyfriends to throw out keepsakes, gifts and mementos, et al. My ex boyfriend returned all the stuff I had given him for his birthday and valentine’s day and dumped them at my front door. Good riddance to that one, I thought. But my current man is a bit of a problem. I was never going to ask him to delete old phone numbers…until I saw his ex write some suggestive stuff on his FB wall…and follow that up with more suggestive text messages (no, I was not snooping, I just happened to see them). Now I am wondering whether I should just dump him and move on before things become too serious, or take him at his word, that there is nothing going on, that he is ‘done’ with the ex. Hmmm…

@ Elle, its not that I didn’t feel important to her, it was that I didn’t feel I was “important enough” to her.
I did take her for who she was,I dont see how expressing the way I felt about the situation, and hoping she fixed it, or at least considered fixing it, would be changing her.
Let me explain to you where it became disrespectful. After this conversation, I didn’t just instantly leave, at this point, we had been together for a year and a few months so I was still deciding whether or not to throw it all away because of this, so I stuck around for a little while thinking maybe she just need time to think about it , but at the same time that situation let me know, where I stood with her. Anyway, in the midst of this, one of her exes, just so happen to call again not even a week later, and she answers, yes she has the right do that, its her phone, and they chop it up for a few minutes, afterwards she looks at me waiting for a reaction, I didnt say anything, It was over at the moment, I just left. reason being, the situation was still warm. Even though we didnt speak on since that day that I told her how I felt about, it was still warm. the disrespectful part came in when, even though you knew how I felt about you still did it right there in front of me, thats disrespect.
The funny thing about the whole situation is that I know her very well,she was actually a good girl, we were good friends long before the relationship, thats why I wasnt worried about cheating, or I was never jealous, because I know she would never do anything like that, but it was just something about that situation that I couldnt look past, so I just walked away.
Now after the fact, she got rid of those things, and made several attempts to get back together, so my question again, is what was so hard about doing that when it was an issue?

@ FULL OF FIRE

“when ur just dating its not really fair for the other person to assume they’re important enough for you to get rid of mementos from your past…recent or not… BUT when tou have crossed into engaged or married territory I think as a sign of true commitment those things should be discarded”

Why wait until you’re married or engaged? dosen’t showing full commitment, get you to that point? would’nt you like to know if the person you’re with is fully committed, before you get to the point of engagement.

@taylormade

I think our ideals arent that far apart. But I just dont get why if you were really secure about her faithfulness like you said you were. Then why are you upset about her taking to whomever. The reason most if not all people see dealing with exes as a form of disrespect is because of what could happen. Which is a lack of trust.

@taylormade

the only reason you would NEED to get rid of them before that point is if they keep causing problems… them just having some old items should not be an issue to the mature-minded (imo)…

when I first moved in with my bf he had a whole garbage bag (excessive… i know) of “mementos”…i even found some extra stuff stuck around the house while cleaning during one of his trips… the thing is.. he never pulled this bag out or rifled thru it or got protective over it so I never felt threatened by it… i obviously did a complete inspector gadget on it but that was me… when we decided to take the relationship to the next level he pulled out the bag.. we kinda went thru it and it ‘disappeared’… he doesnt miss it, never even mentioned it

so I say before you are seriously committed you could just as well be fated to that memory bag like some previous partners… before the ‘next level’ there is really no reason for you to assume your partner is not still on their journey just as you may be… thats unfair…

@galonthewebb

i think that that was childish of him to give all that stuff back! you sure you didnt ask for it back? just asking!

@galonthewebb
or did his new girl tell him to give them back

@ice cold heart,
no way did I ask him to give the stuff back, lol!!! I think, when I give a gift, or when someone gives me one, its being in the moment, so even when things do not work out, it is the thought when I was in the moment that counts. I think he was just being very childish, to be honest. And if his new girl told him to get rid of the stuff, he should have binned them, not dumped them at my door .

@galonthewebb

well we all have them childish ex lol! but i feel you on being in the moment. thats y when i may ex ask for her stuff back i didn’t stoop to her level and ask for my stuff back! i told her she can keep them it was a gift what im going to do with them! can’t given it to somebody else! lol

The only time that I feel it’s absolutely necessary to destroy pictures and momentos is if the person hurt you in a deep way–why would you want to hold on to memories of someone who wasn’t healthy for you? It would just prolong the healing process.

An ex-boyfriend–which is one reason he’s the ex–took it a step further. Not only did he want you to cut off all ties with all men (including platonic friends), he also wanted you to send a no-contact e-mail telling your ex how happy you are in the current relationship (with him).

Can you say insecure?

@ Ms. No Single Mama

Wow! he was really insecure!