How To Creep With a Co-Worker (Rules of Disengagement)
While I was doing research for yesterday’s Wet Wednesdays (did you guys like it?), I came across an interesting article about a woman named Jessica Wakerman, who began a sexual relationship with an older man during her college internship. She was 22 at the time of the affair and the man in question was 37.
During the course of their tryst, Jessica caught feelings and actually says she fell in love with her mentor. Unfortunately, he confessed that he could never take a younger woman seriously and she was just a rebound. Ouch!
To add insult to injury, he was later professed his love for another older woman that he wound up marrying. Jessica broke down the whole affair on TheFrisky.com.
Jessica’s story inspired Gawker.com to do an interesting article called “How Not to Screw Your Interns.” The piece included a few tips for young interns to not fall prey to horny higher ups and ways to keep their heart (word to Three Stacks).
I thought the advice was pretty on point and decided to post them as a follow-up of sorts to yesterday’s blog. Plus, I shared my own two cents on each scenario. Check it out and let me know what you guys/gals think.
1) Don’t continue sleeping with someone who is clearly really into you if that person is a shameful secret from your friends. At least not for that long. A month or two, tops.
“He didn’t introduce me to anyone as his girlfriend,” says Jessica. “Meanwhile, I absolutely considered him my lover, if not my boyfriend… He didn’t introduce me to his friends; he didn’t introduce me to his parents. That is what made me feel like a ‘Young Career Woman As Whore.’”
NWSO SAYS: This sounds like a classic case of he’s/she’s just not into you. I understand wanting to spend alone time with your partner and getting to know each other one on one, but if you’re “dating” someone and they constantly keep you away from the people in their personal life that sounds like they’re embarrassed or ashamed of you. The fact that Jessica assumed this was her boyfriend without even getting confirmation from dude was definitely her mistake. As always, communication is key.
2) Don’t pretend the person is a stranger if she/he works at your company, and if you continue sleeping with that person.
Jessica ended up hired by the magazine’s online division. The lover didn’t pull any strings to get her the gig. He also didn’t bother to acknowledge he knew her. “I’d sleep over at his apartment and we’d fool around and then we’d both be at the office as if we were two strangers,” says Jessica. “The fact that he didn’t acknowledge me at work began to make me feel like crap.”
NWSO SAYS: This one’s tricky. Having an inter-office affair more than likely goes against your job’s sexual harassment policy so I understand trying to keep things on the low. The problem is, nine times out of ten when people try to ignore someone they clearly know, they inadvertently draw even more attention to themselves and their secret. On the flipside, you don’t want to be hanging around the person’s desk all day and having daily luncheons. There’s a fine line between cool cubicle creepin’ and what’s-up-with-those-two office gossip. If y’all were cordial in the office pre-coital you should remain so after things jump off.
3) Cut it off if she/he says “I love you” (and you don’t feel the same).
This is one of the few things Mystery Editor did right: When Jessica said she loved him, in a phone call, he immediately admitted he wasn’t in love and said things should end. Which, with that sort of discrepancy of emotions, they totally should, and not in a drawn out way.
NWSO SAYS: Totally agree. Regardless of whether it’s an office romance or a real-world love affair, if someone says I love you before the other person is at that point—if at all—that becomes the elephant in the room. You either deal with it right then and there or that pachyderm will eventually sh*t all over you. Saying the L-word is all about timing because once it’s out there there’s no pulling it back. It can either accelerate your relationship forward or bring it to an abrupt end.
4) But don’t go off about the other woman you love more, right after your intern/lover says “I love you” (and you don’t feel the same).
Jessica said, “He wasn’t in love with me, he said, and, in fact, he had gone on a few dates with a woman his own age and was falling in love with her.” Ugh. Pointless stabbing someone in the gut, much?
NWSO SAYS: This is basically an asshole move. It’s one thing to end a relationship because someone says they love you and you don’t feel the same. Actually, that’s a pretty mature thing to do. But it’s a whole other thing to reject the person and promptly profess your love for another. Even if that’s case it’s best to let that person down easy so they can process things. There’s no need to let them know about your new boo right then and there. No point throwing salt in a fresh wound.
5) No follow-up lunch!
What’s the point? Especially when you’ve moved on. Jessica met up with her ex after she noticed on FaceBook that he’d gotten engaged to that other woman, one year down the line. “We met for lunch and he told me they were in love and they wanted to marry and have kids,” said Jessica. “I have not spoken to him since that lunch… I’ve washed my hands clean of him.”
NWSO SAYS: Sometimes closure is needed to move on, but if there are latent feelings on the part of the unrequited lover it might be best to keep your distance and keep it moving. Problem is, if you work together that might not be the easiest thing in the world to do. That’s why deciding to engage in an inter-office affair is a big gamble. Breaking up is hard enough but having to see the person that hurt you (or you hate) day in and out as you work side by side could get messy. ThatsABadLook.com (coming soon).
What did you think of these tips? Did you find them useful or completely obvious? Is it wrong for a supervisor to sleep with an intern? Do you think that Jessica played herself by falling in love with her mentor? Have you ever suspected co-workers of getting it on? What was the red flag for you? Would you feel cheap if you slept with someone last night and then they ignored you at work the next day? Is there anything you’d add to the list for successfully ending an office affair?
Speak your piece…
“How To Creep With a Co-Worker (Rules of Disengagement)”