#01 Angels With Broken Wings (Life, Death & In Between)

August 22nd 2009 in 30 in 30, Pt. 3, Emo/Inspirational, Life, Poetry/Prose

angel-broken-wing

On my way to swim class the other day, I noticed something disturbing. The train station I was at was above ground and birds tend to fly back and forth through the rafters.

Once I found a comfortable perch on the platform to await the train, I began to survey the trash strewn aimlessly across the tracks. There were the normal signs of man’s impact on nature, like empty soda cans, candy wrappers and condoms, but then I saw them.

There, amongst the debris and rubbish, were two dead pigeons.

The first was on its back with one wing half spread. His/her poor tiny feet were still and lifeless. The other was just a few inches away in a position that I can only describe as “uncomfortable.”

As much as I wanted to look away from the rotting flesh and dismembered feathers I couldn’t. No matter how insignificant these carcasses were to most of the people on the platform that day, I couldn’t help recognizing that these were two snuffed out lives laying a few feet away from me.

A dozen and one thoughts ran through my mind: How did they die? Was it a train? Poison? Old age? Were they love birds? Did one throw him/herself in front of an on coming train when the other died? Was it double hombirdicide?

Splat! Cue Batman sound effects.

My thoughts were interrupted by a very distinct sound. I looked up to find the source. It was another pigeon positioned on a beam above the tracks that had just shat on a random candy wrapper a foot from its fallen comrades.

It was a cold irony. Here I was, a mere human, taking note of the demise of these two pigeons, while one of its own could care less. Their gravesite was his/her bathroom.

The entire experience made me think about the frailty of life. People I don’t know die every day and, for the most part, I don’t even bat an eye. I just rack it up as just a part of the life cycle and coldly move on telling myself for every door that closes, another opens.

I realized that I was no different than that pigeon in the rafters, oblivious to the death of another one of my own kind. Staring at those two dead birds haphazardly strewn across the tracks made me ponder my own mortality.

I know that when I’m dead and buried I would want for someone, somewhere to remember me. To know that I made enough of an impact to be missed. That I wouldn’t just be some rotting corpse laying beneath the surface as strangers walked by and defecated on my grave.

In this moment of reflection—sparked by the sight of lifelessness—I was reminded of how precious life is. So many of us walk around like zombies caught up in our own world, unaware of what’s going on around us. It’s just amazing what you can see when you actually take the time out to peer through all of life’s rubbish and take note of the smalls things.

For whatever the reason my eyes were drawn to these two fallen pigeons and my gaze was locked onto them until the train pulled into the station. As I prepared to board, I looked around at the people on the platform alongside me. Unfortunately, no one else saw what I saw.

Fin!

How often do you contemplate your own mortality? What steps do you take to make sure that you’re living your life to its fullest? Do you think it’s important to take some time out from the day-to-day-grind to observe nature? How do you want to be remembered when you’re gone? How different is your perception of self from the way others view you?

Speak your piece…

dead-pigeon

**BONUS**

I’d like to share a poem I wrote back in college that was inspired by a similar sighting of a pigeon skeleton.

4/26/98

I sit on the crosswalk between West and North
Staring at the carcass of a fallen bird

Lying on its back in a position of submission
As shadows of the living cross over its grave

Its brethren flutter by unconcerned with its demise
Lying upon a rocky roof, blanketed by drops of rain

A silhouette of life lying all alone
Slowly decaying to just feathers and bone

Decapitated head on a pillow of stone
With eyes rotted out like a fish drowning in air

No head, no tail just a collapsed chest
Loosely attached to a pair of fragile wings

These wings once used to dance through the air
Now, they dance in continuous stillness among scattered pebbles

Once white feathers now dusted grey
Blood washed away by the fine scrubbing brush of time

Its soul begs to fly but its body cannot
Only piece by piece, as its feathers are plucked by wind’s gloved hand

The curve in its spine points to the East
While its mangled bones play tic-tac-toe

Its chest plate folded one bone over the other
As if it were praying, “Please, someone see me”

Rest in peace
By piece by piece

It’s a miracle I see you
Because no one else does

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21 comments to...
“#01 Angels With Broken Wings (Life, Death & In Between)”
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Courtney

Contemplate it all the time.To realize ones mortality should make anyone not take their own life for granted.I mean,to make it special by building sacred relationships with family and friends and not take your significant other for granted.To do right by them so they mean something to you.I dont think enough people think about mortality enough.If they did,I dont think they would waste their time on superficial attiitudes and selfish ways that destroys lives.Its a scary thing.I’ve buried 3 grandparents.Grandma EVERLYN,is still here.The things shes seen.WOW!!! The three who or no longer here lived well into their 70s and 80s and couldnt help thinking when they passed,saying to myself,” iIcan only hope that GOD will afford me the same type of peace.
Praying that my parents,brother,family,and friends,will live a long life to build a legacy based on love.For each one of us to live well into our 90s looking back on a job well done.Finally going peacefully surrounded by our loved ones.To know that you were once loved here on earth and were not taken for granted.
And even though I dont know you personally or anyone else on here,that is my wish for all of you too..


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Cocoa B

Ive been finding myself contemplating mortality more and more recently… And it’s so fitting that I read this post this morning seeing how I had a scary Congo with my ex last night, in which he revealed to me that he’s been having such a hard time that he actually thought about suicide – instant tears at the thought, I was so in shock. Thank God that he didn’t act on his thoughts. I definately will be praying for him, more than I already do.
I know I haven’t been living life to the fullest, school and work stress have been making me just go in and get what needs to be done over with so that I can go home and do it again the next day. There are times that I notice little splashes of color through the grey haze of routine life.. A elderly couple walking and holding hands, a parents fascination with a new baby, an inquisitive child, people just being human (in the case of where I work). Ive been noticing these things more and more and it gives me something to smile about in mygrey little world


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Cocoa B

I was having a convo*

Not Congo…


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NWSO

@Cocoa B

Yeah, we all go through it. I actually wrote about suicide back in December not sure if reading that may help you or your BF to see that these are things people think about so he/you are not alone.

SO GLAD he felt comfortable enough to share that with you.

Here’s the link:
http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2008/12/12/fatal-thoughts-of-suicide/


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Elle

Love the topic!

I find it hard to say whether I do or do not realize my own mortality often enough.

On one hand, I walk through life with very open eyes. Like you noticed these 2 dead pigeons while nobody else paid them any mind, I notice things along those same lines all the time. I freak a lot of people out by the tiny changes, oddities etc. I notice every day – sometimes I freak myself out. At times it feels like I am living in a zone nobody else is in, much like an observer. Colors seem brighter, scents more intense and I try to take it all in.

On the other hand, I do not feel like I am living life to the fullest. Much of it is due to a lack of finances at this point which may be a pathetic excuse. But the things I’d love to do with my life are for the most part not for free by far. Forcingly seeing my life go by right in front of me feels like being a wild animal which is trapped in a tiny cage only able to pace back and forth. In an attempt to not end up with a serious case of depression I turn to the daily routine and get lost in it – wasting more time with BS.

Only every so often I say “WTH” and just act on impulse doing something irrational. Im done waiting for this and that to happen before I do such and such. Why wait? Sometimes you have to know when it’s time to start acting and stop waiting. This is where I am at in life right now. I am no longer willing to wait. I just do it. Not because I want to be remembered as certain way but because of the movie I want to see flashing before my eyes when I die.


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*Doon*

Wow that was really deep NWSO!! I always contemplate my own mortality from time to time. It’s moreso that I wonder what is going to be like on the other side of life and death, Will heaven really be guaranteed for all or will we all burn in hell? Will we ever see our loved ones again?

The steps I take to live my life to the fullest is being around people I love. However that may seem almost impossible ddue to the lifestyle we live in today. Other times i just write in a journal; because if there is anything in life that can store up memories is a journal.

When it comes to my day to day grin taking a breaking and going out for a walk is my best way of enjoying my life. when i observe people and nature and everyday its always something different, something unique, and something that builds wonders and curiousity.

On the day I leave this earth I want to be remembered as the person who lived out love to the fullest, truly loving with all my heart, strength and mind.


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Righteous Mama

That post you did on suicide was on point. I remember that one. Those that didn’t catch that one should check it out. I have no fear of death. As positive as my disposition may seem to most, I look forward to when this is all a wrap. That may sound gloomy but it’s not really. I’m just not one of those people who wants to live til I’m 100. That’s too long to have to pay bills and taxes. lol. Although if I could retire on some remote island where I could chill under a mango tree and just enjoy life that sounds cool. I’m so over the American way of things.

While I am here I make a conscious effort to live my life fearlessly, in service to others (my children and my community) and with intense purpose. Life is for living. Might as well make it count for something. And I don’t associate with zombies but it’s hard to judge them because I understand how easy it is to want to zone out. There is A LOT going on in the world. Sometimes you just want to escape, play and enjoy it in your own way. But you can’t be mindless about how you live life on the daily.

Nature too is def an important part of my life. I’m good for going for a midnight walk when everything is quiet and the stars or out or going to the beach to sit by the ocean. I’ve become much more sensitive as I’ve gotten older and somewhere along the way my love and appreciation for animals too has def grown. I have to say, I’m proud of my own growth. It doesn’t much matter how others see you. What matters more is how you see yourself. It will always shine through.


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Miss G

How often do you contemplate your own mortality?

Usually every time I board a flight after a particularly traumatic plane journey to NYC three years ago!

What steps do you take to make sure that you’re living your life to its fullest?

Well recently, (and you’ve partly inspired me to do this Ans after reading some of your previous posts) I’ve decided to write a serious list of goals that I will strive to achieve. I’ve even bought a book on goals to help me with the process of actually achieving them and not let them be a list on paper.

Do you think it’s important to take some time out from the day-to-day-grind to observe nature?

Defiinitely! We can all get caught up in our everyday routine – I am so guilty of it but I think I would have had a similar philosophical moment of deep thought had I seen those two deceased pigeons! I enjoy sitting by a window in a cafe or something and just people watching – you get to witness the many different walks of life which can be so fascinating!

How do you want to be remembered when you’re gone?

Someone who…

has accomplished something in my own right
has given something back to the world
has loved
is loved

(I’m sure there’s a whole lot more I would like to add to that list!)

How different is your perception of self from the way others view you?

I’m a different person around different people! The person I am at work is TOTALLY different to how I am around friends and loved ones. I wish I could be the same person in both situations but I just can’t be like that where I work! I know that others think that I’m in a pretty successful place in my life (financially and career wise) but I feel like there’s so much more to life than a 9-5 job. I think I missed out on all the wild experiences that most of my friends had in their teens and early 20s. I was always so focused on studying hard and getting a good job that I don’t have all the crazy party stories to tell! I think life is all about the company you surround yourself with and the experiences you may or may not choose to partake in. I definitely want to create more memorable experiences to look back on.

Hmm…this topic’s so introspective! I love it!


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distinguishedgentlewoman

Whew! This is brilliant. Welcome back.

I want to be remembered for having contributed something to this thing called life. Before I go, I want to fully understand why I was blessed to be placed on this earth. And as I breathe my last breath, I want to smile at the thought that I have fulfilled the mission that the Father set forth for me. Amen.


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taylormade

Wow..

Just recently I was struggling with a thought, similar to this one, I was looking back at my life, my purpose, and my position, and it was horrifying, to the point where, I felt that I would be better off not being here, I felt I was just taking up space in the world, I felt I was “wasting air’. My thoughts brought me to the point where I was having thoughts like cocoa-b mentioned her ex was having, not just a, cross my mind type of thing, I was serious, even went as far as to planning it out, had the day picked out and everything. I tried reaching out to people in small ways to let them know, that I was ill, but people dont really care, until something actually happens, they dont care about prevention. To get back on the subject, life is hard, is a very true statement, and as I looked back on my relationship, with my kids, with my family, with GOD, and what have i done in the world, I realized that my life was out of order, Im not “Living Right”. If I was to go today, yeah I would be remember by a lot of people, for being cool, I will be remembered for my past. I dont want to remembered for my past, I want to be remembered for doing something in life, I want to make a mark for doing something, that means something. even now as I type this, it still bothers me, because it was very recent that this happened. So, right now Im in a process, to get my life restored, Im going to look to the Lord Jesus christ for order, Im in the process of changing the outcome of my life. “I will “be remembered for making a mark that actually means something more than being cool and a good person. people use “Live your life to the fullest” as a way to have fun, Im not here to have fun anymore, Im on a mission now. “Living your Life to the fullest”, sometimes means not living right”. There is no “Fullest”, theres always room for more……..I done forgot the question, I was about to write a book in here,lol………….


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taylormade

@NWSO

I think there should be a SUICIDE PT2 post, I went back and looked at the earlier post. It was a very good post, The reason i say there shoild be another one, is because Suicide is a very big issue especially today. I dont mean to get off the subject of this post, but people are not going to just put their business out there like that, calling hotlines, and therapist. So I think you should go around the room, one more time, you might have missed someone who really needs to get it off thier chest, and NWSO, might be the last bit of therapy they get before they make that move, and maybe somebody might say something that will help them out.


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DIVISION

I’ve always been outspoken and thus, the way people who don’t know me intimately perceive me is much different than the “real” me.

Am I a bully or a thug devoid of emotions, lacking empathy?

No.

But I’m sure many people see me in that light.

I want to think people have enough humanity to see shades of the real me, but most would rather believe what they want to see instead of giving me a chance.

I’m not user-friendly, only accessible for some people.

Those people, ultimately, are the people who matter.

I’m not the dead pigeon.

I’m the black cat who killed the pigeon.


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July

This year has been tospy turvy for me, whilst I won’t bore ya’ll with the details one thing that has been at the forefront of my mind for the past couple of months is my own morality.

Questions such as what is the meaning of life, why am I here, am I doing what I was put here to do, when I die will I look back at my life and be satisfied, is there life after death or are we just a bunch of molecules and once the lights go out thats it etc etc.

When I tried to discuss the subject with my friends my attempts proved to be futile, people don’t wanna think about such things coz frankly its just downright depressing.

I don’t think I am living life to the fullest not even close to it. All I know is most times I feel as though there is an invisible clock that follows me around that is running backwards, my time here on earth has been predetermined and set on that clock and I am simply watching the clock tick away till one day it stops and I will have nothing to show for it except the hours, days, months, years that I spent looking the time go by.


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NWSO

@taylormade

Well, I’m glad you pushed through it to be here to share your thoughts and experiences. Depression and other hardships in life are real and a lot of folks, especially Black men (not sure if you are:). It’s pride, it’s machismo whatever the case.

I try to be as real as I can, especially with how I write here. I try to say the things that people/we think but don’t express for whatever reason. Hopefully by you writing that AFFIRMATION of your purpose helped. If not, feel free to vent on my digital couch whenever.

Oh and saw your other comment, i’ll consider a part two for the suicide post but until that inspiration hits me I hope that folks that come across the original can find some connection and outlet in that one for now.


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NWSO

@July

Well, we all feel like that at some point or other. Stuck in a unfulfilling job, relationship, or have friends that don’t understand us, whatever.

Certain times you have to do what makes you happy. Even if it’s as simple and cheap as sitting in the park or listening to the sound of water. DO you know how relaxing that can be? At least for a moment you can try to find some sort of escape. Shoot a good movie can do that too. I felt like that after I saw the Hangover, it was 2 hours where i wasn’t thinking about work, bills, etc, just having fun laughing at the screen.


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Avah Royal

Honestly, I really don’t contemplate my own mortality. It’s just something I chose not to spend too much time thinking about.

My BF reminds me everyday to live life to its fullest. He’s just one of those people who takes advantage of every moment available to be happy about something…anything.

I definitely think its important tot take time out from my day-to-day-grind to stop and observe nature. That’s something I learned pretty early from my daddie. When I was little we would go to the park or catch the street car and he would always point out the beautiful greenery, birds, etc. It’s something I do often to this day especially since it’s expected that I’ll loose me sight by the time I’m 40.

Recently I went to a funeral and I looked around and wondered to myself “Is there going to be this many people at my funeral?” I honestly don’t know. I do my best daily to leave a positive impression on everyone I meet and not just for the purpose of drawing a mass of people at my funeral. However, I don’t know if that impression will be a lasting one. I know that I’ll be remembered in a positive way though, but will anyone remember to remember me?

I think my perception of myself is pretty similar to they way other people view me. Other people’s perception has actually help me shed some light on my own. Other people are always better pointing out things about yourself that you don’t see.


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M.L.

I think i live my life to the fullest. Even though Certain thing’s are not going my way.They way people view me is something i could care less about. I know who i am as a person. And i know what my Strength’s & Weaknesse’s are. Only a select few people know the real me. Which is how i want it to be.
When i pass i know it will be alot of people that will miss me. But back 3 or 4 year’s ago i wouldn’t have wanted anybody to miss me. Life to me is like Season’s. They Constantly Change. And you have to get use to the Change. Are you just slowy vanish. Peace be unto you NWSO


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NWSO

@Avah Royal

I found it interesting how you glazed over the statement that “it’s expected that I’ll loose me sight by the time I’m 40.”

I’m sure it’s a reality you have learned to deal with for some time now and there is no point worrying about it. I commend your strength and using your time to take in the beauty around you.

Continue to have strength and being an example for others, sis.


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Avah Royal

@ NWSO

Thanks.

It’s crazy how with all this advancement in medical technology, these people can’t fix my eyes! Genetics are something…


[...] first blog titled Angels With Broken Wings: Life, Death & In Between raises some interesting [...]


Avatar
CB

I can say for myself that with the way things are going on in the world I think about my mortality daily. I mean living in NY you hear of so many crazy scenarios (e.g. the drunk/high woman who drove the wrong way on the highway)… you never know when your time may come so I believe in doing the things I enjoy (i.e. traveling) and letting my loved ones know exactly how much they mean to me in word and in deeds.

I also take time to remember those who are no longer with me but who had a significant impact in my life and thank God for them daily. I just hope someone will do the same for me when I’m no longer here.






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