Nate, you are right. People do change. And that is ok if it is being communicated and dealt with accordingly. We all change over time because of life’s experiences.

However, what some people consider a “change” really isn’t. They simply didn’t get to know a person well enough before jumping head first into a relationship or marriage.
People are afraid to ask personal or bold questions during the beginning stages of a relationship and hope to not only find out later on but also they assume they will actually LIKE what they will find out later. And that approach is faulted if you ask me. I want to know if your money managing practice matches mines, how you feel about working/stay-at-home moms, if you rather see the world or go to the same vacation spot every year, how or why did your past relationships end…yadda yadda.

So if I find out that you’re not really into going to the movies, chances are you only went because I wanted to. That’s not a change. That’s sending a representative and could have been avoided if our communication had been on point.
However, if I go from Atheist to Born-Again in the matter of months/years, that is a change nobody could foresee at the beginning of the relationship and therefore something that needs to be dealt with when it occurs.

I dont think Elle was comparing intangible relationships with tangible material items ,but rather the effort thats put into one but not the other. And I whole-heartedly agree.

Ofcourse people change but likewise I shouldnt go into a relationship with a chick that doesnt like her man to have a friendship with other females if my bestfriend is a girl. Change is inevitable if you are doing all the same things at 50 that you did at 25 you have issues ,but if you are communicating properly from the beginning on most if not all misunderstanding can be avoided.

I have been with a female who I could tell anything to and it was funny and we would laugh it off. There was a point when see use to point girls out to me to see if I found them attractive. But that point came to and end and the very same comments that made her laugh later pissed her off. Those same comment about other females pissed her off. So I understand the overnight switch.

I have said this before people arent mind readers. You have to be open and consistent with your S.O. and stop “just getting along” because they get attached to the person you present to them. If that person isnt you then your S.O. isnt really attached to you. And thats the point too often people do whatever and say whatever because they wanna be with another person but never stop to think should they. And that includes asking the right question to determine how compatible two people are.

However, that is not a guarantee they (or you) won’t change.

Research and learn all you can, but a relationship is not a material item nor a contract. Looking at it as such will doom it to failure.

Besides, Elle and daThRONe, how can you both be so certain you yourselves will not change?

People should know as much as possible before they get themselves into anything in life. We read the fine print on contracts, we research on the internet before we buy a cell phone, we compare all kinds of deals when deciding on a new car but when making emotionally important decisions that can easily change your life (marriage) people want to “go with the flow” and deal with issues when they come up. WTH?

I want to know who I am dealing with and leave as little grey area as possible.

You dont need to know everything but there are some key things that need to be discussed before entering a relationship. Which should be the norm and one of those things is what your expectations are.

You mentioned spooning with a mutual friend (personally spooning is a form of intimacy so its a no no). Or even laying on a mutual friend. You should understand your S.O. well enough to know weither or not if he/she was to see or hear about it would they have a problem with it.

If you dont know your mate well enough to determine what may or may not set them off maybe you should not be in an exclusive relationship with them. I personally will never get exclusive with a female I barely know anymore. If its right it can wait.

You can’t possibly know, much less agree on everything before you get into a relationship. Relationships are fluid and change over time.

Maybe agreeing on sexting and flirting was acceptable in the early stages of a relationship, but is now unacceptable for one partner.

Two people should already know and agree whats acceptable in a relationship and whats not before they enter said relationship. Thats kinda the point of relationships finding somebody with the same philosophy on the key things.

Sexting or flirtatious IMs, emails, etc with a friend might be OK so long as nothing physical ever happens, or it could be considered emotional infidelity.

Whatever the case, you need to have an open and frank discusssion about it. If your partner is really adamant that you stop it, then you need to stop it, or let him/her know you are not going to stop so they can make a decision on what to do about it. Stay or leave.

if you’re really stupid enough to marry someone you believe is going to “cheat” on you, then you deserve it.

No offense, and I don’t want to sound mean about this. But you’re only setting yourself up for hurt. Stuff can only hurt you as much as you let it.

If you REALLY don’t believe him, and it REALLY hurts you that he does this, and the thought of him doing it in the future causes you distress, and you are REALLY unsure of your relationship’s stability, and you have no confidence at all in your ability to stay together, then why the HELL are you marrying him. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to marry him at all =/

I may only be able to speak like this because I’ve been hurt a lot. But, I’ve learned through everything that if you don’t expect too much, and you don’t let small things bother you, then you can’t get hurt, and you can’t get upset.

I don’t care anymore about stupid things like other girls. At the end of the day, my guy is in my bed. At the end of it all, I know that my guy is honest with me. He’d never go off and sleep with another girl, he’s not that type of guy – really, I had to BEG him for months before he’d have sex with me when we had been dating for 6 months, I don’t think he has the ability to have sex with someone he’d known a few hours- but he knows that until there is a ring on my finger, a joint bank account, and a marriage license, I won’t care as long as he tells me.

I know that he won’t, but I have comfort in knowing that since he knows I won’t bite his head off, he doesn’t have to sneak around. It’s a win-win. He’ll tell if he knows that I can hear him out, and listen to him all the way through.

Did you hear your guy out when you found the pics? I’m assuming you found them because it doesn’t sound like you have the relationship where he’d be able to open up and tell you. Did you listen to his full side of the story? Or did you yell at him, say a few colorful, choice words, then make him feel guilty and apologize then forgive him and tell him not to do it again?

It sounds like you have major issues not only in your relationship, but in your head as well. you need to sort out how you feel about everything, and have a long talk with this guy and possibly seek couples counseling before I’d think you were ready to get married… then again, I’m only about to be 21. What do I know about “adult matters”

I hate how everyone says that if you’re sexual with more than one person(at the same time) you can’t possibly love the person you’re in a relationship with.

That’s bull. Sex doesn’t equal love. You can have a fulfilling relationship without sex, just like you can have sex without falling in love with the person you’re screwing.

It’s human nature to be attracted to more than one person. If you sit there and say you don’t want to fuck (forgive the vulgarity, but its the best term for frivolous sex) someone you’re not with, then I will tell you that you are a liar.

Just because you have sex with someone or get frisky with someone doesn’t mean you don’t love the person you’re with. Nor does it mean you’re not satisfied with who you’re with.

I honestly would not care if my boyfriend kissed another girl right in front of me. Nor would I care if there was “heavy petting” involved. I honestly (have never been in the situation as no one has ever cheated on me) don’t think I would care if my boyfriend had sex with some chick. As Long As he was honest with me about it.

I’d have problems if I was married to the guy. Since that is serious commitment and I think that when you’re ready to marry, you need to be ready to settle down.

But until I get married, I want to enjoy being young. I want to enjoy being able to have fun and have lots of life experiences. I want to be a well rounded, open minded person.

I want to know that when I agree to get married, I will settle down and not have to wonder what I’m missing out on, what else is out there, and what it’d be like to have other people.

But I don’t see the need to haul off and be offended if a person is just exploring and experimenting with other people (as long as its done safely – disease is my ONLY issue with “cheating” in non-married relationships). At least then they actually know what they want when they’re ready to settle down.

I don’t know about you people, but there’s more to my relationships than sex. I value my partner. I love my partner and our hobbies. I love spending time with my partner. When people ask me about my relationship, I can tell them so much and talk for hours without sex ever coming to my mind. Sure we fight and argue, but I think we have a healthy relationship.

Is it so wrong to enjoy experimenting with other people that I don’t have that connection with? For those of you who want to answer yes, let me ask you: are you one of those idiots that say sex should only be shared with the one that you truly love? Or are you one of those people that say sex should only be for married couples. If these are you, then just keep your mouth shut because you obviously cannot comprehend that sex was never intended to be mingled with love. It is carnal animal instincts done for species survival. Humans mingle that with pleasure, but it has never been intended for love.

Things only get complicated if you mix in emotions, so leave them out and you’ll be happy. I can be happy with my partners with or without sex, just like I can be happy with sex frivolous or committed.

As far as sexting goes.. as long as it stays on the net and isn’t personal I don’t give a fuck.

My guy (even if we’re married) can go and get on a chatroom and find someone and cyber. I don’t care. It’s just pixel images (if they use cam) and words. big flipping deal. its just like porn only more interactive.

I do have an issue when someone is actually friends with the person they’re cybering or sexting with. Because it can mess up the friendship, it’s more personal, and often times the friend is a mutual friend.

But if its a complete stranger that they’re never going to meet in public and it doesn’t involve any personal information (i.e. they’re not getting to know each other on a personal basis) then who cares?? sounds innocent enough to me.

Are you going to start getting upset about people getting off on porn too because it involves other people and doesn’t have to include you’re significant other?

A good way to keep yourself on the right track is to ask yourself, would I send this email if my boo, was standing right here? Would I say this comment on the phone if my boo, was standing beside me? Come on, folks know what time it is!

Those little seeds….oh, those innocent little seeds. The thought, “Man, she was looking good in those red heels…..ponder, ponder, ponder….

Next, “I’ll just email her & tell her how nice she was looking today”. Next, after she responds back, “oh, thank you, how sweet of you to say”.
Next…”I’ll just ask her does she want to have lunch, we need to discuss the upcoming office party anyway”….. Next “Well, we didn’t really get a chance to finish our conversation, she thinks. “Maybe, I’ll ask him to stop by my place tonight, have a glass of wine, and we can finish for sure, the plans regarding the office party, who’s exactly bringing what”.

You ask yourself the next day “Dang, how’d that happen”…..Go Figure! It started with that little innocent seed. Or, so you thought was innocent.

People that are single….that’s one’s prerogative
to see who they choose to see. If you date multiple people, tell someone you date, and it’s not exclusive. But, for you folks married, and in
committed relationships….time out for you wanting to have your cake & ice cream too!

Some folks can barely maintain one relationship, let alone, trying to juggle two or three. You are seriously playing with fire, someone’s gonna either get seriously hurt, or God forbid, dead….behind folks silly little games.

You can’t play with that heart, it’s too delicate.

Do until others, as you’d have others, do unto you!
PEACE!