Yes, I Wore Hammer Pants to School
Last night, MC Hammer’s new reality series, Hammertime, premiered on A&E (Sundays at 10pm). As part of the promo for the show, there was a crazy commercial where a swarm of people dressed in gold genie pants stormed an LA mall and danced to “U Can’t Touch This.” I first saw the clip on my colleague Chloe Hilliard’s blog, ChloeHilliard.com, and it brought back memories of my own pair of Hammer pants.
It all started with my mother. In my younger years I had a problem with telling people when I didn’t like I gift. I’d just grin and accept it. More than likely the questionable item would get buried in my closet or at the bottom of some random drawer. That’s what should have happened when my mother brought home a pair of genie pants one day.
It was my sophomore year of high school when my mom came home and said she had something for me. What kid doesn’t love a surprise, right? Well, I was more shocked than surprised to see her pull a pair of olive green Hammer pants with black polka dots out of the shopping bag.
It was late ’91 and MC Hammer’s “Too Legit to Quit” was blowing up, making him the biggest rapper of the time (think Lil Wayne’s status in 2009). Being that he was everywhere, it was easy to see why a working class mother trying to be cool would think Hammer’s trademarked genie pants were in style; but to actually buy me a pair? I don’t even know where she found them but there they were staring me in the face.
“Uhm, thanks, mom,” I said with a half-hearted smile.
I was raised with manners so I kept my true feelings to myself and made a beeline to my room. Shaking my head at these ridiculous pants, I stuck it on a hanger and put it in the back of my closet, where it’d never be seen by another human being again.
Flash-forward a few months and on one of my shopping sprees in the Redding Reading, PA outlet malls I copped an olive green rayon shirt with ninja stars on the front. Forgive me, this is the early ’90s so shit like that was fly.
When I got home and started hanging up my new gear, I happened to see the Hammer pants on the far side of the closet. Just for laughs I pulled it out and saw that it was a perfect match for my newly purchased ninja star shirt. Curiosity got the best of me and I actually put on this ensemble from hell.
I stepped back from my full-length mirror and took it all in. While the colors matched seamlessly, I looked like an all-green Homie the Clown with the crotch of the pants swooping down to my knees. I can’t front, though, it felt fun breaking out in the Hammer dance in my genie pants.
The longer I wore the outfit, the more I actually liked it, but there was no way I would actually wear this out in public, right? Wrong.
I went to a Catholic high school and we had a half-day next Wednesday for some reason. I can’t recall why but I figured that’d be the perfect time to wear my Hammer pants and get home before public school got out.
Wednesday came and I donned my olive green ensemble of polka dots and ninja stars. It was still cold out so I wore my three-quarters coat to help conceal my elongated crotch and headed off to school.
During my commute I got a few stares as people noticed the olive green polka dot pants legs protruding out the bottom of my coat but I minimized eye contact until I reached the confines of my school grounds. I stuffed my coat in my locker and prepared for what would be the longest half-day known to man.
It started in homeroom.
“What the hell are you wearing, Anslem,” said one amused classmate.
“What, these old things? They’re my Hammer pants,” I responded. “You can’t touch this.”
The homeroom class got a good laugh and my gag was in full effect. As the day went on, though, things escalated out of control. I went from being in on the joke to just being the laughing stock of the school.
Mr. Pettersen spotted my pants as I walked into second period English. “Interesting attire we have on today, Mr. Samuel.”
Once teachers started gigging on me I knew I was in trouble.
Word of “the kid in the Hammer pants” spread like wildfire. By fourth period chants of “Too legit to quit” followed me down the hallways whenever I was between classes. The other great punch line was for someone to call my name (“Yo, Anslem”) and once I responded he or she would burst out, “You can’t touch this.”
It was funny at first, but the ribbing got old quick. My only bright spot was when one of my female classmates came up to me and said she actually liked my pants. But looking back on it now, I have a feeling she wasn’t sincere and was just poking fun on the sly.
After hours of self-induced ridicule, I couldn’t wait for the clock to strike 12:30 so I could get home and out of those damn olive green polka dot pants. Once school was out, I headed straight to my locker, put on my coat and hightailed it home before any public school kids saw me.
Aside from a slightly bruised ego, I made it home safely and placed those dreaded Hammer pants back in the closet where they belonged. They stayed there for years, until my youngest brother somehow got a hold of them and started wearing them as pajamas. He said they were super comfortable. I agreed, but always warned him to never ever wear them outside the house because Hammer pants are too not cool for school.
Thank God my mother wasn’t still buying my clothes when “Pumps and a Bump” came out. Could you imagine me in some zebra print Speedos and combat boots? Let me just quit while I’m ahead.
Did your mom ever buy you clothes when you were younger that you hated? Did you tell her you didn’t like the purchase or kept quiet about it? Have you ever worn something that was cool back in the day but you wouldn’t be caught dead in now? What old school fashion trend from your youth do you wish would come back? Which ones are you glad are gone? Were you ever the butt of a joke in school? How did you deal with it? Should I have now worn those Hammer pants to school or was it worth the joke?
Speak your piece…
“Yes, I Wore Hammer Pants to School”