Soundtrack to a Break Up (Part 3)
The beautiful thing about music—R&B in particular—is that there’s usually a song that can capture a specific moment in your life almost perfectly. The lyrics may not have anything to do with what you’re going through at all, but hearing certain songs can remind you of what you were doing at a particular time. For instance, I almost lost my virginity to Mad Cobra’s “Flex.” I also remember putting it on one of my exes on a wild night to “This Means War” by Busta Rhymes (hey, don’t knock it ’til you try it). A while back, I even listed two whole albums that I used to lay pipe to on a regular basis (see “Fuckin’ Theme Music“), but there’s nothing like the break up record. When me and Monica (see “The Break Up, Pt. 1” and “Pt. 2”) split, the song that served as my emotional soundtrack was Donell Jones’ “Where I Wanna Be.”
I blame Taneda, my best friend at the time, for putting me on to the song in the first place. Monica was my girl of three years when we broke up and I was telling Taneda my reasons for the split. Although I loved Monica with all my heart I felt like we had grown apart. I was a late bloomer, an ugly duckling if you will, and was slowing coming into my own as a man and in my career. Up until that point I had lived a pretty sheltered life and had only been in long term, committed relationships. I was suffering from a severe case of is-the-grass-greener-itis and constantly found myself wondering what single life would be like. Don’t get me wrong, I was content with where I was with Monica but I wasn’t sure if that was where I wanted to be.
“You should listen to that song by Donell Jones,” Taneda advised.
“Who’s that?”
“Some new R&B artist. He has this song called ‘Where I Wanna Be’ that sounds a lot like how you’re feeling about Monica.”
“Oh, word? I gotta check that out.”
This of course was way before the Internet became the automatic source for all music so I probably wound up catching the video on BET or something. When I did, I felt the song was the perfect soundtrack to my break up with Monica. I went to the Wiz the very next day and bought Donnell’s album—if the rest of the disc was like the single it was a must-have. Needless to say I was not disappointed.
“Never did I imagine
That you would play a major part
In a decision that’s so hard
Do I leave, do I stay, do I go?
I think about my life and what matters to me the most
Girl, the love that we share is real
But in time your heart will heal
I’m not saying I’m gone
But I have to find what life is like
Without you”
Being that we were still in the heart of our breakup, Monica and I had nightly discussions about the rise and fall of our relationship (see “Part 1”). She was blindsided by break up and the conversations where a way to get closure. The day after I copped Donell’s album, Monica and I were having one of our “talks” and I told her that “Where I Wanna Be” perfectly encapsulated my feelings. Big mistake. She didn’t want to hear a goddamn thing about Donell or his damn song. She promptly cursed me out and hung up.
Despite Monica’s reaction, “Where I Wanna Be” still spoke to me. In fact, I kept the song on auto-repeat and eventually got the bright idea to put it on my answering machine. Big mistake…again. While leaving my voice greeting, I let a few bars of the chorus play in the background.
“But when you love someone
You just don’t treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She’s crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be…”
The next day I came home from work like any other day and saw I had a new message on my machine. I pushed play and was greeted by a not-so-friendly message from Monica: “Oh, no you didn’t put that fuckin’ song on you machine. You fuckin inconsiderate asshole. I don’t give a fuck about no Donell Jones or wherever the hell he wanna be. That is some fuckin’ bullshit and I can’t believe you would do some shit like that…”
She rattled off a bunch of other expletives and I quickly realized the error of my background music selection and promptly deleted “Where I Wanna Be” from the machine. In retrospect, it was a dumbass move on my part. It wasn’t my intention to be insensitive or to rub this break up anthem in Monica’s face, I just really liked the song and didn’t think about how Monica would feel/respond. I called her back a little while later to apologize and I found myself on the receiving end of more of her anger. At that very point in time that most definitely was not where I wanted to be.
To be continued… Again.
Do you have a break up song? If so, which one and why did it fit your situation? Are there any songs that remind you of a particular points in your life—both good and bad? Are there songs that will always remind you of an old love? Is there a song that no matter what can make you tear up? Why? Do you use music as a way to deal with tough times? What is it about those songs that appeal to you? What’s your favorite love song or break up song?
Speak your piece…
UPDATE: Part 4
“Soundtrack to a Break Up (Part 3)”