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I’m already laughing after reading the title, lol. I would date a divorce. People do change you know. How one guy treats a women can vary depending on who he’s with. I’m not talking about abusers or nothing like that though. I met a guy I was into and he was divorced but unfortunately once he told me he had FIVE! kids with his ex-wife and he was working too jobs I had to call that a wrap. I know I’ve got one but I’m definitely not interested into getting into a relationship with someone with that many kids. I can deal with the 1 or none rule. I date without kids and I never mix the two but someone with that many its just inevitable you will cross paths.

I usually enjoy the posts here, but I think this one is sexist and ill-informed.
It’s not easier for men to move on after a divorce. First, they tend to carry more EMOTIONAL baggage, in many ways because they don’t emote and seek professional mental help, often because of the macho stigma.
Secondly, a man’s daily routine is disrupted more than a woman’s in divorce i.e. seeing his kids twice a month as opposed to daily. Why would the author assume that for a mother with custody that she has baggage? A man who is missing his children has MUCH more emotional baggage than a mother who sees her everyday.

I think it’s a little self-serving because so many writings about male/female relationships, especially coming from African-American writers tend to posit the male as always being in the preferable position, even when the argument makes no logical sense. I expect a lot more from this blog, because I do typically like it.

Look here for more insight into how men handle (and don’t handle) divorce:
http://archives.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/03/15/divorce.suicide.wmd/index.html

Would you ever date someone that’s divorced or separated?

Seperated: heck no. Sort your stuff out before you think about dating somebody seriously.
Divorced: Maybe, just maybe. Not if I can avoid it.

Why or why not?

People carry baggage with them on an emotional level as it is (childhood, past relationships etc.) But a failed marriage is a whole different ballgame. My best friend’s boyfriend has been married before and boy, that dude needs counceling (despite the fact he has already been through it). I don’t have the energy to deal with this kind of drama. And that’s only on the emotional level. Don’t let me get started on the legal or financial matters. Maybe one day – should I ever be back on the dating scene – when I am 50 and chances are slim to none that the men I meet have not been married before (which would be kind of weird at that age for them not to have been married – but that’s a different blog) I will consider it because everything else is unrealistic. At age 30 though? Nope.

Is it fair to say that there’s a stigma attached to being divorced?

Fair, unfair – booohooo. Life isn’t fair. Deal with it.

Does it make a difference if the person has kids or not?

Yes it does. It makes it even more difficult. Not my cup of tea since I’m not too fond of other people’s kids in general. So yea, I’d pass.

What if they’ve been married more than once?

Red flag.

Would the reasons for why the marriage failed be an issue?

If it was mainly his responsibility that the marriage failed, then yes, it would matter. If it was his wife’s, it wouldn’t. But on the real: which man/woman would admit that it was his/her fault?

Would you assume that the person was a bad husband or wife?

Nope, different things may have played into it.

Separate-No, Divorce-Yes….and ex-wife living in another state

I agree with Elle and bellabellablue:

I wouldn’t date seperated men (too much chance of the union to get reconnected)

I would rather date an “ex husband” more so a “baby daddy”

With an ex husband at least you can tell he was willing to commit to the relationship he had, and for some reason the realationship failed, the love got lost along the way and decided to leave (hopefully on good terms!)

Now if the ex husband is in and out of court with his ex wife. She may want allimony, additional child support, the house, the car, etc……..

I may not be able to handle that. In that type of situation I will NOT date an ex husband. That is too much drama piled up before you can even start a relationship!

A baby daddy, especially if he has multiple baby mommas…..I start running for the hills! This to me shows no commiment. A hit and run! Sorry that’s a deal breaker for me. Especially if the person coming into the relationship with no children! Not a great match.

I would not be so quick to date a person who is a divorced person who know’s what type of history is going on there. There would be so many unanswered questions and how would it affect the relationship you would have going on. Is there children involved. It is a very difficult question being that marraige is usually made in front of Gods eyes with the closest of friend near by. For me there would be no divorce. Marriage should be for life, even if you have to sleep in the other room. what could be so bad where two people in love fine there way apart from one another.That would make one ask the question was it truly love. Which partner did not fully know themselves. Marriage is a large step for life and should not be taken so lightly one must be equally yoked and willing to fight for the marraige. It takes a mature person to make such a choice of marraige and it takes a even maturer person to hang in as the it is said till death do us part, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. This is as serious as life gets. I know from a woman’s point of view once she has given herself to a man what more is there to give he has taken her all. The rest should be like gravy know what it is you are getting yourself into before jumping that there broom and you shall not go wrong.I think for one to date a be serious with a divorced man need to know like he divorced her you to just might be next.
Blessings
One Love
Sister Wayhedia
Jah

My last relationship was with a divorced man, and was the longest lasting relationship I had with a man.

He was married for 15 years prior to getting a divorce and I believed in the beginning the one thing was he was used to having a woman and a home so thats what he did, keep a home and a woman(I was it at the time)……

His kids were wonderful…..

But……….if there was a problem, the problem was he truly wanted to live a single life while having a woman at home and I surmised that’s why his marriaged failed.

End of story.

I think dating someone who’s divorced is really not that different from dating a single person who’s never been married. I don’t go into a relationship or dating someone expecting that I’m the first and only person they’ve ever had a relationship with. You meet single guys with kids and thus “baby mama drama” which is really not that different from a divorced guy with kids…the ex will always be in the picture. I personally can’t do the kids thing.

Now, if he doesn’t have kids and for some reason the ex is still in the picture and bringing drama, I have to say no thanks. But if they’re divorced, no kids and no ties to each other, I’m good to go.

I wouldn’t make any assumptions about the marriage ending. As we all know, relationships don’t always work out. A marriage is just another relationship IMO.

It all depends on the individual and the situation.

Most of us come with some sort of baggage.

As far as dating someone who’s separated…No. @Elle said, sort your stuff out first, and I agree!

LOL @bellabellablue “…ex wife living in another state”. I feel ya.

What about a widow?
My husband passed away three years ago. I didn’t even think about dating for almost two years. The “deer in the headlights” feeling is an understatement after being in a committed relationship for 11 years. I don’t know if the scene is different or if I’m different, or both.

I wonder, from the “single” point of view, how does a widow/er look/seem from the outside? What thoughts run through your head if someone tells your their longtime love died suddenly? Just curious…

I’m actually a divorcee, and a new one at that (Sept. 2008). I would hope that it wouldn’t be held against me that my previous relationship didn’t work out. We were married for less than 5 years and I really gave it my all but it got to the point where I was sacrificing a lot of myself and my identity and he wasn’t. We had one child together but he doesn’t seem to want to be involved so no baby daddy issues there. But if I had to guess, I think the fact that I’m a single mother is more daunting to men than the fact that I’ve been divorced.

As a single woman, I would be pretty open to dating divorced man, depending on the reasons for the divorce and learning what he learned from it. The one advantage divorced men have over ones who have never been married is that they know the truth of what it means to be married. When they enter a relationship and it becomes serious for them, they know what will be waiting on the other side of that altar and what it will take to really make it work. If they’ve learned their lesson that is.

We all have baggage and our past haunting us, married or unmarried, divorced or never-been. As individuals we have to work on a case by case basis and figure out what we can handle and what we can’t. Easier said than done, but still a must. This is where just beginning as friends first, and not throwing around the dating word for a while, comes in pretty handy.

I would date someone that is divorced. Just because you never the circumstances that got that person divorced in the first place. I have to get to know the person first. But to just scratch someone off your list just because they are divorced is a little much. To simply not be with someone because they weren’t right for another person is just wrong. Now, I would have to draw the line when it comes to someone that is separated. That’s too much drama that I don’t need. Like my parents are separated and they don’t ever plan on getting divorced but they live in two different states. I feel sorry for the people that comes into their lives that fall in love with either my mom or dad and when they bring up the subject of when they are getting a divorce both of them be like I’m not getting a divorce so don’t ask me about it anymore. I feel that’s not fair to the other person. That’s why I wouldn’t even go there. I would date someone with kids no matter the number just as long as they got respectful kids. If you are in love with someone there is no boundaries on how to love them regardless of the baggage. You have to love the baggage too.

Maybe it’s an age thing. I was married 20 years, now separated. Divorce is just waiting until the kids (teens) hit 18, or some other reason comes along. Everybody I’ve dated is either divorced or separated. Many of the women have kids (most younger than mine). Am I ready to toss myself back into the stress of being a dad to young kids? It’s not my first choice, but I know I’m good at it and can make a difference, so sure. Am I willing to date someone who has had a major relationship fail? Hell yes. In fact, if I’m looking at someone in their late thirties or older who *hasn’t* had a marriage, I’m a little concerned about whether they’ve become too used to being single.

Being a dude nearing the big 30 and seeing all my friends getting hitched/divorced it sorta becomes a reality that my dating circle will quickly evolve to include divorcees.

I suppose i too will grow to accept people despite their history though i do believe i will have some of the reservations Naked mentioned. Why? Is she the reason for the divorce? etc etc.

i find that alot of men actually don’t mind women with kids as long as the woman has her stuff in order. a friend of mine had twins with her high school sweetheart who after college ended up playing pro ball. needless to say the relationship went downhill and they got divorced. but now she’s married again and her and her husband have a daughter and she has a high paying job after getting her master’s degree. alot of guys like the feeling of “rescuing” a woman or being a provider and don’t mind raising kids especially when the kids are young. with all of that said, i do think there is a stigma with being divorced for women. unless you’re a serial marrier–ie, elizabeth taylor, halle berry, jlo, etc., and people just come to expect you to get a divorce. for women like that, there’s always another curious guy waiting in line. i think it depends on a woman’s status on whether there’s a stigma or not. also if a woman is fine, she could be a serial killer and a guy would look past it. with all that said, my husband and i were separated for a year early in our marriage and it was the pits. we both realized its a lot of work to be married, but its way more work to get divorced. dating please. i didnt have time to do the laundry, let alone date when we weren’t together. if you’re divorced with no kids i think its a different story altogether. who the hell cares then.

This is an interesting subject, as a large % of the adult population of this country is either divorced or lying about it. When the stats say that 56% of ALL marriages end in divorce, how do you go about finding someone who isn’t divorced. “I wouldn’t/would date someone who is/isn’t divorced”, is a mute point. Some of you probably already have and just don’t know it. Because of the stigma attached. But it’s divorce people, It’s not the plague. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, over the years you grow apart. The hardest thing I’ve ever seen two people do is learn to RE-LOVE each other when there is emotional distance between them. This happens in a marriage. Emotional distance. Sometimes, with time, life and circumstances, things change, people change, life changes them, or their outlook about certain things. Sometimes your “LIFELONG mate”, doesn’t grow in the same direction with you. What you loved at 25 may not be the same as what you love at 35, or 45. The hardest thing to do is to learn to re-love your lifelong mate over and over again, with each change that they go through and that you go through. You may learn to love them, but they may not be able to love you again the same way. We are constantly evolving. This is the thing that no tells you about marriage, it’s not this stagnant thing that once you “Fall in love” with someone, you never fall out. Love is about the harmones, God put it in us to pro-create, guess what, harmones change. You better make sure you LIKE a person before you “Fall head Over Heels IN LOVE”, with them, and get married, cause when the changing starts, YOU WILL BE CAUGHT OF GUARD. In the single world, you just keep it moving. But in a marriage where, hopefully, there is a commitment before GOD and family, you try to make it work out. In this microwave world that we live in, people don’t want to work for anything. They want what the want and they want it now. I didn’t mean to turn this into a diatribe about marriage, I’m sure you probably already have a few of those on here. But don’t judge a person whose “divorced” by the labelYOU put on them. You don’t know what they’ve been through. And one day someome may be judging you by that same label

just my 2 cents worth

TEA

@ Anonymous #1

I think you misconstrued what I was saying regarding to men having it “easier” in divorce. That comment was specifically in regards to mimicking the single life post-divorce because typically we (men) don’t get custody. Therefore, a man can appear single and start a new family if he so chose to without directly bringing his previous offspring in the face of his new relationship/wife, while on the other hand if a woman has custody any relationships he has with someone new they have to deal with her children every day and all day. Based on previous discussions here, we’ve talked about how kids sometimes make new relationships hard—not impossible, just harder.

As for the “baggage” comment, that goes back to a previous post an discussion where we spoke on how some men view children as baggage. if you click the word baggage you’ll get the link to that discussion. I tend to link back to previous discussions and related topics when they apply. You must have missed the link and/or that discussion when it was posted.

And while I didn’t dig into the emotional aspects of divorce on both sides, i did acknowledge that there are many in the second graph: “Regardless of who filed the papers, I’d imagine that going through a divorce or separation is tough. Along with the emotional and financial hurdles of getting your life back in order…” Rest assured, I can only imagine what it’s like to see a marriage crumble and it’s not something I want to go through and my point wasn’t to say whether men have it easier overall or if women have it easier. As you point out, the pain and “baggage” goes both ways. The focus of this post though was to discuss the dating life post divorce. Apologies if you took the “easier” reference out of context, wasn’t my intention because truthfully each case is different, each couple is different, and how each individual deals with it is different, so there’s no way to say that men or women have it easier with a blanket statement. Again, my comment was in reference to that one point of mimicking singledom with no kids as opposed to a partner who has full-time custody.

Appreciate your personal insight and perspective. thanx for the link too

I would date a divorcee

I’m a divorcee and the guys that I’ve dated since my divorce were never married. However, I don’t think I can date a divorcee, I think it’s harder for a woman to deal with an ex-wife than a man to deal with an ex-husband.

As for the saying “if you date a woman, you date her kids too” Not true! I have a child and I’ve never introduced him to any boyfriends or guys that I’m dating as that. If they have the pleasure of meeting my child, I introduce them as my friend. And it will stay that way until I feel that I’ve found the right person to spend my life with.

@ Anonymous #2

Hmmm, yes a widow/er is a whole other ball game. I doubt (or would like to believe) that someone would look at someone in a loss like that the same way as a divorcee. However, there may still be issues with dating.

I’d like to believe if someone is a widow/er they lost the love of their life, the only person they planned to ever marry and for whatever the reason they were taken away from them. It’s not like they fell out of love they lost them, so anyone they date (if at all) would have to deal with knowing the widow/er may still be in love with their previous mate. To a certain extent the deceased mate might exist like a perfect love that no one else can compare too. I may be over thinking it, but that would be some pretty big shoes to fill.

But on flipside, I don’t think there’d be a stigma attached, it would just be a matter of the widow/er having enough time to have their heart heal before trying to date again and finding a new mate man/woman enough to step up to the plate.

@Ume

Well, when/if the relationship get serious to the point of marriage, that person will have to accept the kids as a packaged deal. I definitely agree with you on not having random people meet your children, I’ve discussed that before as one of my main things about not dating women with children. But also, to a certain extent you are when you have to work around the kids’ schedule to go on a date with their mom.

*shrugs*

@NWSO

Always good insight…

I have talked to men who admit that my “widowhood” took them aback, and I suppose the reasons you mentioned probably factored into that…and I have to admit that was why I stepped into the dating scene with caution…I’m still concerned that my late husband will always be my benchmark for true love, but my desire is to enter any new “love affair” with an open mind…

Being a divorced female, no children, I can say its been easy dating. However, most of the men I’ve dated have not been married but have children…..My last serious relationship was with a divorcee with custody of the kids. After being married for 15 yrs, he came with ‘marriage baggage’. ….unable to accept that his marriage issues were not normal……but I fell for him anyway because he is a great father, friend and lover…….after 2 yrs, we are still working on his ‘marriage baggage’ but its worth it! So I guess I would date a divorcee being a divorcee myself.

I am divorced and the process was very hard to deal with. Though we didnt have children together I brought two boys into the marriage. The divorce really bothered my youngest son b/c my ex husband and I met when he was a toddler. As far as dating goes, well lets just say CELIBATE is my middle name. I will admit I tried dating once, but he and I ended up becoming the best of friends(go figure). Sometimes I feel as though I have two strikes against me.
1) I am divorced and 2) I have children. So to keep myself busy until someone special comes along, I work, go to school and volunteer in my community. These things keep me focused on who I am as a person. When that special someone comes along I will be ready emotionally and mentally.

Would I date someone who is separated? No, b/c that person has alot of unfinished business that need to be taken care of.

Would I date someone who is divorced? Yes I would. I would take the time to get to know him and judge him on how he treats me and go from there.

Peace

@Da ThRONE

You okay, man? LOL

I would personally date someone that is divorced, I don’t see anything wrong with that, as long is the divorce is FINAL. Now if they were separated….nah, not at all. I’ve dated a married man before(being stupid)one time, and I really believed that he was going to leave his wife for me…….DUMMY!!!!! That was like a year ago and I have learned from my mistakes and will NEVER go back that way again.
I would date someone with a kid or two, but not four, five, eight kids…….nah. I hope that the kids are well mannered, if not then I’m gone! On the flip side though, what if the guy is lying about not being married? Some guys are great liars…..so it’s like you have to watch out. I just wouldn’t want a lot of baggage.

@ NWSO

Switching the station for a sec…

In your comment to Ume, you stated that if a man decides to date a woman with a child he has to date around her kid’s schedule…

I see it as no different than a woman with a busy schedule in general. You can’t expect a person to drop their daily routines just because a new person enters their life.

Oh yeah…I would date a divorcee, but it depends on how long he has been divorced.

This is pretty amazing. Most of y’all must be teenagers or something because I find it totally rediculous to read grown-azz peeps talking about how they wouldn’t date a divorcee because they fear the person might be damaged goods. Are you serious? No wonder some of you have had difficulty finding a relationship that lasts for more than 2 months–you’re looking at too much superficial ish…..A divorcee is a person who has made a committment. A single person is OFTEN someone who is avoiding making committments while ACTING like they are interested in long term relationships. I’ve been divorced for two years AND not only do I have kids, but I’m an active parent in their lives, so yeah, any woman I date is gonna have to know what the deal is when it comes to kids, which is among the reasons I wouldn’t even consider dating a woman who doesn’t have kids. The point is there are plenty of women who have kids…..and I haven’t had any problems dating. When you deal with grown-azz women, they realize you can’t make assumptions about someone elses lefe as a married person anymore than you can make assumptions about a man who is over 30 and never married. Maybe he has committment issues. Maybe he’s not worth a damn…maybe he’s a mama’s boy who can never let the apron strings go…AND maybe you’ll waste some more years trying to change him…do you but recognize when you eliminate divorcee’s you potentially do yourself an injustice by limiting your opportunities for a serious, committed relation–if you ever grow up enuff to want one of those…
DC man with a plan

Being a previously married without children person myself, I guess I see both sides of the argument. It hasn’t been hard for me to date, but some of the men that I’ve dated wanted to know ALL the details, which I found inappropriate (for example since I am in my early 30’s and don’t have any children, I’ve been asked whether or not I can conceive). And the notion that something must be wrong with me or I did something that made me a bad wife is just as repulsive as me thinking that a man who is divorced MUST have cheated on his wife (note the sarcasm). Divorce does not mean FAILURE in all situations. Sometimes it simply means CHANGE.

In my specific case, no one cheated, abused, has sexual identity issues or any of the other crazy reasons friends and family have suggested as the reason for the demise of the marriage. We, unfortunately, both had baggage from previous relationships and rushed into the marriage without working things out individually before proceeding. Thus, the ideas, concepts, goals that we originally had going into the marriage differed as we both began to change and mature individually. Now, we did FAIL to properly communicate with one another and then re-examine our relationship to cultivate and grow it as we were growing. But, I can honestly say that in spite of the heartache and the hard decision that was made to divorce, I don’t regret the marriage or the divorce. Both have matured me in ways that would not have happened if I had never married or divorced.

The caution that I would give a single person dating a divorcee or a divorcee wanting to get out there and date again, would be to take things very, very S-L-O-W-L-Y. I made the mistake of dating too soon (while the divorce was being finalized, i.e. separated) and that relationship did not last because I was not ready to jump back into a marriage. However, the guy that I was dating had never been married and was in a rush to get married because HE felt his clock ticking! I would dare suggest that the divorcee wait to date until they feel/are comfortable, confident, and emotionally available to either get married again, or be in a long term, serious relationship.

@Shay

Yeah, I stand by that comment in that kids need babysitters depending on age etc, and someone can’t just take off on a last minute trip or event when kids are home, or even stay out late when they have little ones to look after. I hear you on the busy schedule comparison, but I still think it’s a little different. If you’re busy, stuck at work til’ midnight you can still dip out to a party or have company, but if you have kids as your priority you’d definitely need to go home to see the kids whenever you got off or don’t have that freedom to have late night company. Slight difference, but a difference nonetheless.

@NWSO

“someone can’t just take off on a last minute trip or event when kids are home, or even stay out late when they have little ones to look after.”

“…don’t have that freedom to have late night company”

-Everyone’s situation is different, so you can’t make that assumption.

FYI – I do not have any children, but I believe that single mothers are given a bad wrap.

Being a woman just about 40, meeting a heterosexual man that is not divorced or has children is something that is just not gonna happen.

Hopefully he has lived enough drama in his life to really settle down the next time I come across another one.

@ Shay

I hear ya, and yes it’s an assumption but I still think a fair one. And I’m not giving any women a bad wrap for having kids and being single, I’m just acknowledging the fact that they’d have responsibilities that I don’t as a single guy with no kids. If my phone rang and I was offered a free trip and I had to leave tomorrow, I could more easily say yes than a parent—male or female—that has kid’s school, baby sitter, etc to consider. Sure someone with a busy schedule would have to consider other things as well, but that comes down to schedule conflicts more than other people.

but like you said everyone’s situation is different, parent, married, divorced, single or other.

I DO NOT date men who are separated. Been there & that’s a bad place to be. I am currently on a dating website & I was amazed & appalled at the # of men who are “legally separated” on there with a laundry list of what they want in a mate. Ummm, don’t cha already have one? Separated folks need to be alone & figure out what they want to do. Leave single folks alone.

I do date divorced men. I do ask how long they’ve been divorced & the reason. We have all had relationships fail, so I can’t hold that against someone. The last man I dated had been divorced for 2 years. However, he was the most bitter man I have ever met & he was the one who initiated the divorce! After a month, I told him he was too bitter. I never met his ex but God bless her! LOL. We all have some type of baggage but his bags were weighing ME down!

I have never dated a widower. Depending how long it had been, I might consider it. If it was within a year, no. Although we all grieve differently I would just think they need more time. That was an interesting question though.

As for the single mamas, it is definitely challenging. And NWSO although you are a man, you hit it perfectly when you explained the difference between a busy single sista & a single mama! There are no options when dealing with babysitter issues, children’s activities,etc. It is all about my child first. It has to be, although Mama does get her fun in when time permits. I have a child in a million activities so I am constantly on the move. If I really like someone I will find the time to date you. No one meets my child unless the relationship gets serious. If I am not really feeling you, I don’t have the energy to find the time to see you. My time is too precious to waste. I don’t mind dating men with children, but I do note how old their kids are. Men with babies…ummm no! Men with children who are older, ok. Lately I have met men who WANT to have children. Now those are the ones I run from!! LOL. My baby will be a teenager in a week & I am in my early 40s. There is no way in hell I would have a baby now. My head is starting to hurt at the thought…LOL.

Ok.. NWSO You HIT me hard with this one!!! After 7 1/2 yrs together and 6yrs of Marriage ~~ I have decided to get a divorce.. and I totally feel the sides of so many pple here BUT
Sister Wayhedia ” For me there would be no divorce. Marriage should be for life, even if you have to sleep in the other room. what could be so bad where two people in love fine there way apart from one another” ~~ Been there, tried that .. not once nor twice but several times. He actually physically moved.. counseling.. had our parents involved.. no talking..friendship and taking it slow and Guess what ?? No results. Actually I take that back ~~ resulted in him getting worse and Me truly realizing that this was not the man I used to know and the man I used to love.
For me divorce was a big Fat NO..Never.. But now, I see it as a way for me to find happiness.. This is my final decision and has been that way for months and I must tell you ~ I went to a homegirls party a few weeks ago and I am totally an IDIOT when It comes to the dating game. I don’t know what to say, my face turns red, I get a stupid smirk on my face (nervousness) and it totally suxx!! So bad that there was this guy I was feeling who asked me for my number (and I er, had a couple of drinks to get a bit more comfortable!!) ~~ well i had my cell in my purse and what did I tell him “Oh im sorry, I can’t give you my number cuz my fone’s in my purse” and NO I was NOT drunk!!
NWSO ~ I agree with your statements regarding single moms. I can’t just pick up and go out whenever I want or hop on a plane for a spur of the moment trip. It will definitely be hard trying to balance motherhood, full time job, full time in school, after school kids activities and quite possibly one dinner and a movie date. it’s not being stereotypical, its being real. I consider myself a good mom and I wont leave my kids with just anyone for the sake of two cosmo’s and a scary movie.
Ok.. I would definitely date a divorced Man. Two children tops. The reason I say two is because I have two and things are just waaay too expensive right now to add any more than that. To me, a man that has gotten married demonstrated commitment and the only way I would be running the other way is if he hit or repeatedly cheat on his wife. Then a big fat NO.
WHEN did life Get so FRIGGIN Hard !! LOL!!
There definitely is a big spike in the divorces but speaking from MY point of view~ I think that both women and men just tolerate less than they used to before. What I mean by that is this: im hispanic and I will tell you that many of my aunts who are ‘happily’ married for a gazillion years have advice to us ‘younger and silly youth’ about things like if your man cheat’s you just have to punish him and then things will go back to normal etc etc. Atleast from where I was brought up (Dominican from the Heightz) ~~ men and infidelity was very tolerated- too much. Women wont do that anymore ~ . I also have a couple of older cousins who married their girlfriends that came out pregant~ two or three kids later you can SO tell the Love is not there but they will not get divorced. Ultimately, is Divorce so taboo that you wont do it even if it means sacrificing your happiness?? For me, Not anymore. I think as long as my kids are loved (hopefully with both mami and papi in the pic), nurtured and cared for ~~ they will be healthy and happy individuals.

DC man with a Plan.. I feel ya!!!

Ms P: I agree with you too.!!! My children are the Prize that a man gets to see IF and Only IF he proves to be one that wiill be long term. I will not be parading or dating like that EVER and least of all around my children!

@ DC Man with a plan

Why wouldn’t you date a woman that doesn’t have kids? I’m over 40 and don’t have kids. I’m an old fashioned woman that wanted to wait until I was married before having kids….I married @ 31 yrs old to a man that had kids (whom I loved) and it didn’t work out (cheated with kids mom) so my chance of motherhood was never realized. Regrets – none. I have plenty of love to give and even more family members (kids) to give it to.

I would not disregard a man because he has children whether he’s a single father or a divorcee.

This is my take on it.

If I am an employer and Im looking to hire two people one being a ex-con and one without the record Im hiring the person without the record. I question divorcee decision making and level of commitment. If you can convince me that those are on point then I would but Im not easily convinced.

As much as I love kids it just bothers me to know that she has this bond with some other man. And call me selfish but it kills me to know I can never be the most important person in her life.

To Jenn Perez, I wish you peace & blessings on your new journey!!

To da ThRONe, does this mean that you don’t want kids of your own? Please know that in most cases, even when you have your own kids, you will no longer be the most important person in her life. That baby will be just as important to that mother. You just have to learn to share!! LOL.

@Ms P

I want it to be us making the decision to add somebody more important to both of us at the sametime. I do want kids but its messed up that I can make a female my world but I always gotta be #2 at best to her been there done that.

@Jenn Perez

Sorry to hear about all that drama, but it sounds like you’re at peace with your decision and looking forward to the future freedom. Stay strong and I’m sure the right one will make his way to your heart.

Please write a blog entry the answers this question: Would you date a man who has reached his late 30s/ 40s and has never been married/never had any kids. And is he wrong to be upset that women question why that is?
Thanks Anslem!

Here’s another one — arranged marriages. Such a bad idea? LOL

I am newly divorce with only one 17 year old child soon will be leaving for college. I don’t think a person should be judge from the fact that a marriage didn’t work out. There are times where people out grow each other for different reasons. I would date a man that have been divorced. Kids are different story because of having a bad experiences with my ex-husband children mother. So I might not be so open to the fact of children. I am enjoying the single time and kept option open of dating different cultures. I haven’t totally given up on on the brothers, but have seen somethings with them that are not good. I had the experience of dating in the hispanic community and gone through issues with them and learn that every culture have mess with them. I do agree that this article is a little bias, because what is the differernce of separation or divorce of not dating a person. How would you know that he/she isn’t your soul mate? I think that everyone deserve a chance and I do recommend time alone before going into the dating world. I also believe for a man and woman divorcee to seek support group or counseling. We have to heal ourselves before entering into another person life. Plus placing God first in every decision is the only way. I will continue to socialize but waiting on God to bring my soul mate. So for all of the divorcee’s don’t give up hope, don’t be so desperate, and love God and then self.

@ J Will. The reason I don’t date women that have never had children (I don’t mind if their grown and out the door, but you had to raise some kids to get with me) because single women just like single men have time on their hands and flexibility that allows them to selfishly focus on themselves. The world CAN be all about you when you’re single and without kids, you and your boo. But if your Boo has kids–now you either gotta adjust your ways or understand that spontaneity is one of things parents involved in their children’s lives have to limit. It is true that I can’t just bug out of town without checking to see if their mom is gonna be available to take care of their needs or make arrangements to handle the things I do. I went to Jamaica earlier this year for 5 days so it’s not as if I can’t do things, but it was a planned event, not a spur of the moment thing. I expect many single women without kids want to do things on the spur of the moment. I need a heads-up and so I don’t even try to work with childless women. Let the single dudes without kids handle them….It’s always someone for everyone and everyone can’t be for me. Now U know.

Hello!! ( WAVING HAND FRANTICALLY) Divorcee over here!!!!
So I married young, had a family & grew up, all the things you’re expected to do. My hubby was older but sadly as I grew, he did not. When you get to a point when you realize you are in a marriage by yourself, you can either sit in it & stew for the sake of not looking like a failure in society’s eyes or you dust yourself off, be truthful with yourself, & let it go. Which is what I did.
I’ll admit at times I do feel like I just walked into the twilight zone. I dont get the dating scene nowadays ( I havent been single since the mid 90’s). I dont care what people think about my failed marriage. I hope the people who take the time to get to know me will see me as a strong woman who wasnt afraid to make a necessary change in my life.
Regarding the dating with kids: I’ll be real. I know if I didnt have kids life would be alot simpler but it just is what it is. Its the package I come in just as the color of my skin & I cannot change it, nor can I see my life without them. So the man who is gonna love me will have to fall in love with all of us. Complicated but not impossible. And between you & me, I am smart, beautiful, charming as all hell and as a benefit to me having been married & divorced after an 11yr marriage please believe I am above the young girl sh*t I still see in some of my counterparts.
If a man is put off by the fact that I have been married, divorced & /or have children he’s just not for me. Nothing more to it than that.

@ Miss P: Same to u Mommaz!!

@ Da Throne (OF course)
Um.. Marriage and Criminal records are NOT comparable. You are taking one legal unity and comparing it to a felony?? Sorry.. marriage doesn’t mean you have a negative ‘record’ after all ~~ you could’ve been the perfect wife and you just had a not so perfect husband or vice versa..
You really suprised me with your response ~~ you are usually so receptive to the non-norm (or maybe you just like to contradict the majority opinion in the blogs!!!)
For me it is better to date a divorced father than a single Baby Daddy

@Jenn Perez

I would date a divorce person but it just raise some red flags. And thats why I compared it to a felony. Just because a person been arrested dont mean there not a good honest worker likewise just because your record is clean dont make you honest. But I will proceced with more caution when dating a divorce person thats all.

@Dc Man with a plan
I have to admit that I agree with you. Dating single guys without children can be difficult. A single person with the responsibilties of children dont realize that things have to be scheduled out. I’m a single mom of one and I only date on the weekends her father has her. I do give props for making sure that your kids are taken care of before taking flight on a vacation, you must be a pretty good dad!

@Dc Man with a plan
I have to admit that I agree with you. Dating single guys without children can be difficult. A single person with the responsibilties of children dont realize that things have to be scheduled out. I’m a single mom of one and I only date on the weekends her father has her. I do give props for making sure that your kids are taken care of before taking flight on a vacation, you must be a pretty good dad!

I married young. I was 21 years old and we were lovers, not necessarily friends as we discovered later on. We have two children.

Dating is a HORROR STORY!

But I knew this when I made the decision to leave. I know right now that I am not ready for a relationship. I have children, school, and work to worry about. I am also cultivating tighter bonds with family and close friends.

I am happy with my life, but not happy dating.

I didn’t get married to go back to dating. Sometimes I feel as though I may as well go back to my husband and try it again. I may as well ‘date’ him. (This is all very fresh for me as I’m sure you can tell) Our problems weren’t about money or cheating but I won’t get into it.

There is definite stigma on single women with children and men don’t want to date us. A man recently proved my point. He told my girlfriend and I that he wasn’t into it because the idea of having to take care of the woman’s children comes to mind.

PAUSE! I didn’t even have to interject, my friend did.

My children have TWO parents who love them dearly. They are the responsibility of no one else and they deserve much more than for me to seek out some man to take care of them. That is a job for their father and myself. They are with daddy as much as they are with mommy. Any guy that I chill or go out with has not met them and will not meet them. I have very strict rules regarding my children and whomever I plan to date. The only man they associate with mommy is daddy, point blank. When I am with them, I am not available to any men and as long as they know that, we’re good. There’s no package here, unless we are in it for the long haul and if we are that means it’s a package that is wanted.

Dating a divorcee sucks they always holding on to the hurt and pain of the previous and take it out on your new relationship.

This conversation has certainly been “educational.”

1. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone seriously use the term “Divorcee”.

2. Stigma? Baggage? Too many responsibilities with kids? Did we just step out of a time-machine into the 50’s?

I mean seriously. I went to college in the early 80’s. Most of my friends had parents who were divorced or getting divorced (I was an exception). What, life ends at divorce? What century is this again?

Hell, lots of folks don’t even get married any more. If someone had a two-year relationship that broke up, is *that* grounds for avoiding them? How about a five-year relationship? What does the wedding certificate have to do with anything?

This comment stream is completely surreal.

Sometimes when things happen inspead of looking at the bad you have to understand what you learned and use that to get better!!!! I would date a Divorce!!

I’ve been divorced for over 6 years and I have 4 “children” ranging in age from 13 to 21. I’ve found more men “afraid” of the number of children I have than the fact that I’m divorced. I understand the idea of a package deal, but just because I have children does not mean you will EVER get to meet or interact with them. Its a package you have to earn. Don’t just assume that because I have kids, it also means I’m looking for a father or provider for them. They have a father and we both make sure they are taken care of. Having said that, my having children makes me more selective of who I date as well, because I just can’t waste my time with any JOE BLOW. If the relationship works out, there will come a time when those two parts of my life will come together and I have to know that he’s “on point”. Does being divorced AND having children carry a stigma? Yes, I’m sure it does, but you can argue the fact that being Black in America does too, but that’s life.
As for dating a person that’s separated….NO! I’ve always thought that was some crazy term created by a person who wasn’t sure what they wanted to do or was simply too lazy or cheap to do what needed to be done. Separation, as a marital status, should only be used as the time period required by LAW to finalize a divorce, not as an entirely new status. Simply put you’re either married or divorced (not including the other single states ie never married or widowed), there is no grey area.

When dealing with divorced men, I typically treat them as I would treat any other man. Should the relationship grow, I have no problem asking why they got divorced. I believe sometimes people get married before they figure out who they really are and what they really want out of life. But I also keep my eyes wide open to see if they’ve learned anything from their experience as well; to grow equals progression. But separated men….entirely different story. From experience, most of them are out to run amuck at least the first three years. Also, why hang on unless you still have hope that the marriage can be fixed (besides of course religious and monetary reasons…but then again, if they are that religious, they wouldn’t be separated and trying to get with the next woman)? And I don’t want any parts of that confusion and drama! At the end of the day, the individual will show their true colors, whether divorced, single or separated.

I’m going through a divorce right now and just have a few thoughts on the subject….

I do agree, men have it easier in this situation, especially when they don’t have the kids. I had only been out of house for about two weeks when I found out that he was dating someone else (the papers aren’t even signed yet!). But he can do that because there is no way for any female to know that he was (still is) married or that he has children. I, on the other hand, am responsible for the well-being of our child and after 8 years of marriage, I’m a little freaked out about the dating scene. When should a guy know that I was divorced? When should he find out that I have a child? Can I trust him to be around my child?!?

Personally, I would prefer to date a guy who has already been through a divorce, because the experience does teach you alot about yourself. I sit back and reflect on the 8 years of marriage we had and think about what we did wrong and what I can do to prevent those things from happening again. Stay married long enough and you will learn what you will and will not put up with. A man who has also gone through it, has also hopefully learned some things about himself and won’t make the same mistakes.

This is a very interesting topic. I separated from my child’s father about 2 years ago and last year he officially divorced me. I understand and respect the various viewpoints about dating divorced people and all the stigma attached. One thing I do know though is that despite all that stigma, true love will bulldoze all the doubts, all the misconceptions and stresses that comes with the package of being divorced. Confidence in yourself is the only way to establish a good relationship with a partner that values and cherishes you for who you are and for the meaning you bring into his or her life. Divorced individuals can find true love again if they have a good sense of self worth so that the next man or woman that enters into their lives will know that this a precious person that deserves to be loved, adored and respected.