Should Women Ask Men Out? (Fear of Rejection)
I was reading my homegirl Belle’s blog yesterday and she did a post about some guy that approached one of her readers on the train… Actually, the guy didn’t really approach the woman in the general sense of kicking game, basically he just scribbled down his number along with an illegible message filled with typos and bad grammar on a piece of paper and passed to her before she got off the train. It reminded me of THIS time back in college when I wrote a poem for a cute girl I saw on the train and handed it to her in hopes that she’d call. In both cases neither woman responded to this ultra-shy lame approach. I know why homeboy didn’t get any play, typos and bad grammar make for a bad first impression, but I presented a well crafted, although rushed, piece of written art. Still, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
Based on the responses to Belle’s post and to my own similar entry, the general female consensus felt it best to “man up” and simply approach a woman rather than roundabout methods of courting. True indeed, if you claim to be part of the grown and sexy set, save the note passing for high school. While I’ve outgrown that stage in my life, I’ll admit that I still have moments where I have issues approaching women. Why, you ask? Simple, it’s fear of rejection. I don’t care how suave or confident you are, it’s always tough when someone you have your eye on shoots you down like a game of Duck Hunt. So for those that don’t have a thick skin, approaching the opposite sex can be a nerve-racking experience filled with heavy doses of embarrassment, disappointment and ego bruising. That’s definitely not my idea of a good time.
For the most part, though, it’s men that have to be subjected to rejection on a more regular basis. Due to society’s gender roles, guys are expected to chase after women and make the first move, while the ladies have the power to just sit back and choose. (“Nope, his shoes are dusty;” “Please, his teeth are crooked;” “He can’t be serious.”) The balance of power basically swings in a woman’s favor leaving her in control of the rejection process more times than not. That’s not to say ladies don’t ever get rejected (see: “How Long Should a Woman Wait for a Ring?” or “Requiem For a One-Night Stand”) but the fairer sex usually has the deciding vote in courtship. Men chase, women decide who catches them.
As a former shy guy in recovery, I know firsthand how awkward rejection can be and try to avoid it at all costs. Depending on my mood that can mean I don’t even bother approaching a female I’m interested in and just pine away quietly (*single tear*), or I rely on subliminal game (I.e. make a bet where the loser takes the winner out for dinner or finagle someway for us to go out without it being labeled as a “date”). The latter gives me an easy out should the target of my affection reveal that she’s not be interested: “Date? This wasn’t a date. We’re just chillin’.” LOL.
The other night I was conversing with my homegirl about this very topic and she said that my shy guy approach was lame. “Why can’t you just ask a woman out and be done with it,” she argued.
“Because do you know how wack it is to walk across a crowded room and approach a woman only to have her send you running with your tail between your legs? Men have to put themselves out there for rejection all day every day.”
“Well, that’s your job, you’re a man.”
“What, so a woman can’t approach a man?”
“Oh, hell no. I would never ask a man out.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a lady and women like to feel courted and pursued.”
“I’m not saying all the time, but damn, can’t there be a little give and take? There were times where a woman approached me and I found it very sexy. There’s nothing like a woman that knows what she wants and goes for it. You wouldn’t at least give it a try for someone you really liked?”
“No. I’d smile or make eye contact, and if he doesn’t respond to that then I’ll know he’s not interested.”
“That’s not always the case. Let me tell you something, guys are dumb and we don’t always pick up on women’s signals. What might seem obvious to you might be oblivious to him. I’m sure that goes both ways because I’ve flirted with girls and made innuendos and gotten no play.”
“Well, I asked a guy out once and he turned me down so I said I’d never do that again.”
“Wow, one whole time [insert sarcasm here]. See, as a female, you have that option to never have to face rejection again by deciding no to ask a guy out again, but as a man I don’t have that same option. In fact, because so many women refuse to approach men we’re left to put ourselves out there for rejection every single day. How is that fair?”
“It’s not, but a lady should feel wanted by a man.”
“I hear what you’re saying, but can’t a man get something from being wanted, too?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, at least that’s a start. You know this is going on the blog, right?”
“Oh, Lord, just keep my name out of it.”
Fin.
Who has more power when it comes to dating, men or women? How much do gender roles play into how you approach dating? Ladies, would you consider flipping the script and asking a man out? Why or why not? Do you think men always pick up on your flirtatious signals? How do you try to get a man’s attention when you’re interested? Are shy guy a turn-off? Fellas, would you have a problem if a woman asked you out for a change? Do you have a hard time telling when a woman is feeling you? How do you deal with rejection?
Speak your piece…
) really fast, you just WON’T. Not because you’re “playing hard to get,” but because that’s who you are.
) about what a member of each sex SHOULD and COULD do… I say, to each his/her own. (cont.)
“Should Women Ask Men Out? (Fear of Rejection)”