I think that hooking up is just a sign of times now. I think that nowadays men are more so out for their own self enjoyment. They don’t consider the idea of getting to know someone and take time to really build a relationship they rather just have something quick and easy.
Being in my early 20s I go through this scenario practically everyday. I meet guys who don’t care about what I think or actually getting to know me but rather ones who just want to get the physical and leave. I think that once women actually start to wake up to this and put a stop to hooking up with guys who mean them no good things will start to get better.

I dont do much of either so maybe im not the best person to chime in. I would say that the culture we live in sex isnt taboo so it easy to give in to your strongest desire which is sex. When you couple the acceptance of sex with the “Me” generation we have its become easier to express your feeling sexually then it is emotionally! I think dating requires people to leave themselves open.

But I don’t think it’s just all on guys now. Girls/women are on the wham bam than you SIR stuff too nowadays. Think it’s going both ways.

@Hustlerwitapen

Can we please stop the male bashing! I have dealt with plenty of selfish females that only had there own agenda for dealing with me. I just chalk it up understand that we are living in selfish times cross my finger and hope that it’ll work out ,but I dont blame a women for the action of some. You ever considered maybe its the type of guys that approach you and not all guys?

@ All Females

If you dont like the type of guys that approach you maybe you guys should switch up the game and get more aggressive and start approaching men. I hardly ever approach females mostly because where is a good place to ask a chick out? Im a good dude who care way more about the mental then the phyical. Dudes who are the most aggressive tend to be the guys who are the most selfish (IMO) and only care about getting them. Most of the dudes I know that I would classify as “A good dude” are more reserved and dont jump at every shorty they see.

Just something to think about!

In terms of hookup culture, I’d like to refer you to a speech/article that basically calls all the ranting over it a crock of bullshit fueled by conservatives. Really, check it out.
http://www.feministing.com/archives/013806.html#more

Females wind up jumping off or hooking up because you find less and less men that want or are worth having a relationship with. I’m 29 and typically date older men and find the same issues of them just wanting to hook up or not being worthy of dating. But why do we place more value on the date than on the coochie?

I feel men want less relationships from women because many of us lower the bar and keep giving it up just because we like the way the man’s face looks or his car or status (if he ain’t sharing none of that with you, what difference does it make what HE has?). If he knows he can get it from the next chick easily, why wait on me?

I was deliberately celibate for a year (forcibly celibate for another one) and still trying to date. You should’ve seen how fast dudes ran off when I let it be known that I was celibate. It hurt my feelings the first couple of times, but it taught me a lot about the type of men I chose.

I have had casual sex plenty times, and am not saying I would never do it again, but I stay away from it now for two reasons; morals and diseases. Sometimes you get up from the situation feeling like “ewww, why’d I do that? I don’t even know this dude!” And the diseases??? Shhh****tttt! I got a girlfriend that got herpes jumping off with a digusting ass stripper. When she told her man, she didn’t tell him she’d been cheating. She approached it like she’d gotten it from him. He wasn’t even pissed. He believes that he gave it to her, which means he was jumping off too. Now they both got that shit. As well as the stripper and all the lonely, beat chicks he screws and whoever my girl’s man was doing. OUCH!

Okay so i guess ya’ll get this from a female point of view who actually does just “hook up”. I’m in my early 20’s and am not ready to commit myself to anyone. I dont want a relationship but in all reality i have needs. I’m worse than most guys when it comes to sex. I want it almost everyday. I have some people i “talk” too, try to get to know to see if they are about anything. But i dont want to be tied down i dont want to feel like i’m obligated to anyone right now. I love being single being able to do whatever i want whenever i want and not having to justify any of my actions. I’m very careful with the people i choose to sleep with however i know them very very well we are close friends. It’s just how it happens now. But yes us females are just as bad as men. Many woman wont admit it, but we are. As crazy as this sounds i actually make men wait for the “goodies” if i plan on “dating” them for a while. If i know its just sex then thats what it is but if i plan on making a future with someone then yes they will wait for me to give it up to them. Simply because if your choosing to be with someone or talk about a future your feelings get more involved. And if your having sex and havin feelings then you know your in more than just that fling part. Feelings complicate things.

Take Care!!
XOXO

i am 29 and i have not dated in years. but my hook up turned into a marriage, and what i am doinf now is i guess hooking up, cause i have no commit, but it would be nice to date.

People, both men and women alike although for the average man this is much truer, can’t committ to committing. Meaning they can’t even use the language to identify and therefore make real, what they’re doing. Punto. (Clearly I read the piece when it came out and could very much relate to certain things in it).

The idea of even naming a planned social interaction with someone you’re attracted to as a “date” scares most dudes. E.g. When I asked a close male friend if he was going on a “date” with a woman he was attracted to and planned to see later that night he adamently responded: “It’s not a ‘date’ we’re just hanging out. Why do girls have to label everything?”

I’ve received/heard/read/understood that response (or some derivitive of it) from at least half of the dudes that I know when the topic arises.

So much so that I made it a rule to ask guys during the first hour of “hanging out” whether we were, in fact, on a date. Some were surprised, others dismissed it as “chillin” while others had the actual gumption to call it what it was: a date.

To Optical Illusion: Ditto. When I was casually dating (which does not, contrary to popular belief, equate to having casual sex) I rarely met someone who was trying to stand still long enough to get to know me and consequently stunted any attraction from growing which in turn deemed them unworthy in my eyes.

And while feelings complicate things, people need to stop acting like emotinal midgets and suck it up. Life is about taking risks, including your emotions. That’s how we learn and mature. This whole punk-ass, non-committal behavior is sooooooo textbook. Maybe if we did, we’d have less of the relationship/familial issues that seem to plague us as a whole.

NWSO

I think women are into now because many of them may feel they have no other options when it comes to getting with a man period, so they use sex as a means to jump start any potential relation.

As a guy its getting harder and harder to understand women. The last few women I have “dated” made a point to let me know that it was just sexual without any provocation. I feel like women are beginning to used casual hook-ups as a way of protecting themselves from falling for a guy and having them turn-out to be an a**hole.

I work in a high school, and I see it way to often..

girl likes a boy,

girl haves sex with the boy to show him that she like him,

girl + boy= hooks up

boy moves on

I’m 29 & I hold responsible to my actions as an adult…..but who is educating the younger generation? We can’t just say these are the sings of the time, because we all know if you can talk to one younger person we can educate them on the do & the don’ts…dont get me wrong some are very stubborn! But the responsibility of us as adults can not stop to just us paying our taxes!

I hold a special discussion with teenage girls just so I can see where they stand on drug use, dating, sexuality, sexual partners, because I noticed some are not getting this type of discussion at home!!!
Regardless of the sexual eduacation and health class, we are living in a society that sexual escapades are rewarded! Souldja Boy’s 1st song propelled him to the top with the dance, but do you really know what he is talking about in the song!! “Supa Soak that ho!”

Let’s help educate the younger generation!

“Dating is Dated”. Such a true statement. You still find a few men and women who date. I have a man now and we still date each other. I did have to break out of my old ways. Trying on my shoes before I purchase. Most people want to know if the loving will be good before they even take the next step of a date. Even the music we listen to is sex first love later ” she gone let me beep beep beep”. Come on, our young men and women are all on this. And parents aren’t teaching about the birds and the bee’s, cause nowadays some grandmother are under 40 in the club listening to the same beep beep beep.

I remember last summer I went out with the girls, met this guy, he wanted to take me out, I was all prepared for a night on the town, but to my surprise we pulled up at the La Quinta Inn, I was like “huh, where are we going?” He was like ” i thought we could chill and get to know each other.” In a hotel room, we could have gotten to know each other different. And to his disappointment I was not with it. Granted he was sexy as hell, but I don’t get down like that. Trust he could have gotten it on the second date but he ruined alll those chances on the first “date”.

Dating has died like courting.

Wow. Got at least HALF the dudes in here feeling awkward. haha…

I agree, it’s on both sides and to make matter worse, there are infomercials that cater to the “The Booty Call” instead of promoting healthy relationships and marriage, it promotes, hooking up with a hottie and that’s it.

I so feel this topic, it is the story of my life right now lol.
I was actually hooking up until a couple of months ago when I decided I was tired of it. I got to a point where I’d rather get none, then not get a “normal” dating process. I think I used to hook up because it was my way of adapting to guys who only “wanna have fun”, “let’s take it slow” (but not on the physical part), “I’m not ready to get in a relationship right now”, “I don’t want no girl locking me down” and many more, I don’t know what I haven’t heard.

My opinion in addition to what others have said, is that:
- It is just so much easier to hookup and not pursue anything while it is more difficult to build a relationship.
- We are in a consumerism era, everybody wants everything right now, the faster the better (and the bigger the better too lol).
- I am sorry I will have to blame the males, females are to blame as well, but I strongly believe that this type of behavior among females results from adaptation over the years. (I have no proof, it is just my personal belief, feel free to disagree)
- More and more divorces in our society, less and less people believe in a lasting commitment, therefore faith in the relationship by building it through consistent dating is not appealing anymore. Additionally people are more afraid/reluctant/hesitant to actually really share a deeper connection with the opposite sex (or same sex) because they don’t want to be hurt.
- Too many relationships/dating stereotypes: Why does being in a relationship/seeing the same person is necessarily associated to being “locked down”, since when has it become a prison? I think this one is probably the worst to me.
The dating ties back to the relationship, so the rejection of dating is directly related to the rejection of the relationship, at least that’s how I see it.
Anyway these were my thoughts.

@ Jessyrod

Totally with you.

@ Just Me HC

I was you, so let’s see how you feel about it say…just 3-5 years from now. I can bet you are going to want different things. At some point you eventually get tired (not of having sex obviously), but the process hooking up VS dating.

I guess im old school but I love going on dates. There isnt anything better than connecting with a beautiful lady that you dig. I havent done much “hooking up” or “dating” in the past 5 years or so though. I enjoy the company of females just as much as I do the sex so I dont understand why this is such a big deal. I will agree though that not every person you are sexually attracted to you are mentally connected to and completely understand why people just “hook up”. Personnally I dont anything is wrong as long as there being honest and safe!

I said it once and I’ll say it again. People who are of grown age, need to actually grow up emotionally. We women need to set boundaries and figure out what it is we want. This takes alot of studying of one’s self and learning how to love ourselves. Some of us become jump offs because of low self esteem. Others become jump offs because we feel like it. Hence this is where we need to grow up. Setup rules of what you want for yourself and let a guy know where he stands at the moment you meet him. This sets the boundaries and leaves the door closed on the stupid fellas out there. Fellas do the same thing with women and watch things change for ourselves. Again this is tried and proven! There are way too many complaints about the dumb things people do in dating. Let’s stop complaining and put forth some solutions and followup!

@ Mimi in the OC

I definately have to agree with you, at some point i will probably get tired of it lol. But right now i just deal. I think alot has to do with the fact that YES i dont wanna get to close to a man right now. And the fact that i’m 22 years old and have NEVER EVER IN MY LIFE been on a real “date”. I’ve paid for or taken someone out but never had the whole okay were going for dinner friday, type date. Even when i was just “dating” nothing sexual it still wants dates it was hanging out at a friends house or meeting up at a party or something like that.

Let me add my 2 cents:

I was married to this one lady, and she worked in the business world and all we had was jump offs with each other…since her whole world became work…

with this being said: I feel people are so lazy and into themselves that they don’t put any thought into what to do next…

Also with this said women you have the power from jump since you have the pussey we want…
also once we break you all off…then we get the control…

But MEN… we need to stan-up take our places as God made us to do…because if you think of your dauther’s and such I’m sure you don’t want them to be in these unhealthly relationships…

women are just as selfish as men, and even worse when there selfish , than the men, its doesnt matter the gender , when a person is selfish there just selfish,bitch male or female- ect, as for me keeping it real really works, as for the just sex thing, if they knew, what they were doing sexually it wouldnt be just a sex thing,sometimes young people get it confused , thats there problem ,maybe thats why we have more college drop outs and high school drop outs ,because they get caught up in something they cant really comprehend and yet have the knowledge of understanding of sex, as for me the mental connection comes first, and how i am spoken to or approached, i cant just get in the bed with a deranged luntic, just because they look good, because a male or female can have a wonderful box with nothing in it, and it may not even be worth your time, since time is precious it has to be worth my while on both sides physical and mental,because a man can love and support a women without anything sexual, i guess i have been blessed, dating and romance , nothing better, since time is precious young people should learn to make it worth it, a sexual experience that they can never forget thats whats up, all that other stuff is just talking niose and a waste of time that they can never get back, even squirrels get a nut, just running around looking for any kind of nut young people, hahaha check out my new comdy cd, hahahahhahaha- chickenallthetime

There isnt anything unhealthy about having a “sex buddy” if its done right. Times change and what is acceptable changes. The reason why relationship fail arent tied to the raise of “jump-offs” its the people who only caring about themselves and not having any concept of commitment and loyalty. There nothing wrong with being selfish when your single its the fact that most people remain selfish even when there are in relationships thats the problem knowing when it not about you anymore!

Here is my two cents! Dating is outdated because of many factors to mention. A few are, 1) You have women who want to be men…yeah I said it. They want to knock down that double standard wall, and do what men have been doing from since the beginning of time, be selfish. No longer demanding dates or outings that include getting to know them, they want to get their jollies off too. In turn you have men that have lost the idea of courtship and chivalry which leads to my next point 2) Lack of sound fathers in many homes, it is just a sad trickle down effect that goes from bad to worse, with boys learning the relationship ropes from boys, the blind leading the blind. 3) The Scene, we entertain more opportunities to mingle as a group that as individuals, afterwork events, clubs, parties, freaknick, Memorial day in Miami…and anything else that comes up where we sum up each other by what we are wearing, who we are with, and what we look like. 4) The increased consumption of alcohol; as my cousin once told me “I don’t drink because it goes right to my Vagina” and as I laughed out loud at hearing this, I realized that more folks are drinking and more sex is happening, just my two cents.

@ JessyRod…..i had the same convo with my boy and his “chillin” with women! It’s funny because they have all these labels for status but can’t admit a date is a date!….they only call it a date with someone they are in a “relationship” with but when it reaches that status in their eyes they are still just “dating”! LOL

I love dating and all that courtship type of stuff but I can usually peg a person upon first meeting them and know how far things will go. I chose to date certain people and I chose certain people to be “jump~offs”. I know the power I have as a woman and know I control my destiny)relationship wise) and all who I allow to stay in my world.

Men say women are confusing but people in general can be confusing because we meet people at different stages in their lives. Once we understand ourselves and people in general dating becomes easier for those who like to date. You need to set boundaries and stick with them no matter how fine a man/woman may be!

@ Da throne….you say its ok to be selfish when you’re single but when you get into a relationship you should be able to selfless. But how hard is it to break a habit that you have culivated for years?……that habit is now labeled “oh i’m just stuck in my ways” instead of the truth~you’re being selfish!……

Count me as one of those “selfish women”…I started peaking sexually at 30 and if we’re being honest here I was more interested in having my itch scratch that “bowing” down to a man or groveling for a relationship.

Men can dish it out but they can’t handle it.I’ve NEVER met a man that can handle me just wanting to hook up for sex…NEVER. Mofos got all emotional like “why am I not good enough to be your man?” ish after a few encounters. At which point I dropped him.

Relationships are difficult and time consuming and involves a lot of compromising to make it last. Maybe i’ll meet someone someday that’s compatible with me but I haven’t met him yet. So it’s easy for me to do the casual sex thing …protected of course…than to try to dabble through the pool of ineligible men in NYC and pick the lesser of the evils.

And for those who don’t have a clue…great sex has absolutely nothing to do with love.I’ve had the best sex of my life with someone I didn’t love.I loved the way he handled himself in the bedroom but I liked him outside of the bedroom.We tried the dating thing and then mutually decided the sex was more worth pursuing than a relationship.

Time for women to start being realistic.men been doing this for centuries.Don’t hate the player…join the game.

Whether you call it courting, dating, or wooing, that concept is drowning within the social inequities of mass media. It’s not as if this trend can be attributed to one or two minor facets such as the “Me generation”, “Lack of Fathers”, feminism, or even gender.

It’s a complete collective paradigm shift and it’s society as a whole. One of our greatest cultural identifiers are our media; television, music, and whichever other medium you choose. It depicts current past, current and future trends, with stronger ambivalence given to the predecessor.

The younger generations, where previously concerned with minor issues in the notions of finding that significant other. At the age that I was looking for a kiss on the lips, this new generation is looking for fellatio. Lost are the appreciation for values and ethical standards, moral aptitude and honor. And our media is a paramount institution of this juxtapose.

Nowadays society bombarded with Gossip Girl, Paris Hilton sex tapes, and instant gratification. And the younger the viewer the more fascinating and beguiling this provocative material becomes. This new generation is emulating the same material broadcasted through our media and that is no coincidence.

How many of you readers that claim to hold dear older notions of respect, patience, and sincerity when dating? I would bet my bottom dollar that you grew up around individuals that maintain that level of reverence. The problem is that those values are no longer being instilled.

I expect many of you to look at this with divergent opinions, but the one most empirical and indicative verification of the state of our society is this is that abhorrent television program Maury.

Andre 3000 said it best on the Love Below,
“The Love Below”

Yo’ mama’s old fashioned, yo’ daddy don’t play
You’ll always be this lovely
‘Cause they raised you that way
Hallelujah! Thank ya Jesus! Thank ya Lord!
Sad, but one day our kids will have to visit museums
To see what a lady looks like

~Ke1

Not to women it isn’t. Seems like everytime I have casual sex woman want to start dating…lol.

I do have to say now that i’ve been reading comments its so funny how when your a woman and you want to be in a relationship you keep finding guys that just want the casual sex, but when your the woman just wanting casual sex, the men wanna date. Men cant except the fact that for some of us it just that SEX. They feel like because a woman isnt throwing themselves at you after the fact that you did something wrong. No, just except the fact that she just wants whats in your pants and deal with it. If you cant then keep it movin.

OMG!!! Naked, THANK YOU SO MUCH for posting this. This is an amazing discussion. I have never in had a casual encounter in my life & I find this phenomena difficult to wrap my brain around. This is not me being boastful, if anything it puts me at a disadvantage. Coming from the point of view of someone who was married for 10yrs now coming out of that marriage, I feel like I have been dropped off on a strange planet where I dont speak the language or comprehend the mating rituals. SO having said that I have been DYING for someone to make me understand this.

Even my girlfriends ( the single ones & creeping married ones) don’t get why i dont get it. I can’t judge anyone else’s motives but I would absolutely feel compromised to be hooking up in the hopes of it turning into something. And before any “Power of the P*ssy” sistas come after me for what I just said I know what you’re gonna say ( had this discussion w/ my bgf) : Why do I feel its compromising as if you both arent getting something out of it. Well ( IMHO) I am still of the old school thinking that it ( the p*ssy ) is this special thing that is reserved for a select few & that sex is not just some meaningless act that I do for the sole purpose of pleasure. I dont expect everyone to agree & I know my thinking is obviously outdated but for better or worse it has shaped who I am. Sadly the opposite has shaped the men in my demographic. $@#%!!!!

Just ME HC,

“As crazy as this sounds i actually make men wait for the “goodies” if i plan on “dating” them for a while. If i know its just sex then thats what it is but if i plan on making a future with someone then yes they will wait for me to give it up to them.”

I understand this from one point of view, but I have to admit–Ive had casual relationships evolve to serious relationships, but every time Ive gotten wind of the kind of double standard you describe–’he’s boyfriend material so while I’ll take home a cutie from the club and fuck, Im gonna make this one wait’–Ive been gone in no time flat.

I have no problem being patient with the physical stuff in a relationship but the double standard strikes a nerve, as it does with most dudes who ever fell victim to the “Nice Guys Finish Last” phenomenon and vowed to not be that guy again.

I felt like, dont put me on some kind of “Waiting In Vain” pedestal when you’re hooking up with Don, Rick and Juan no strings no problem because all it tells me is that I have to deal with emotional manipulation from the very jump.

Just something for you to consider while you are still young and sorting through things.

Paulettebajangal,

Funny! Cause I never met a woman who said “ok no strings, cool” and stuck with it. Invariably, I’d say “you sure? SURE sure? Ok then” – we’d go out, have fun, come home, hook up, climax (both of us), pass out and then…

…inevitably she’d change her story when she found we liked each other and liked being in bed together. I’d fall back on “we agreed…” and it wouldnt help the situation any.

My theory is people want it no strings until they come across someone they’d really like to date and have more with, then all the initial agreements go out of the window–that applies to male AND female, I think.

I think the problem is that historically y’all got bamboozled into thinking sex is something sacred…give me a break already. And there’s definitely amnesia when people think we grew up with “wholesome, healthy” relationships around us. What black community did you grow up in??

Ir’s definitely difficult for a woman to take the stance that she just wants to fuck …and doesn’t want a relationship.cause we’re suppose to value the ring and do everything in our power to “keep the man”. I’m not buying that any more. If the man don’t fit…then I must exit…and find another dick.

Sex is for pleasure…and procreation.

I find the unhappiest women around are the most prudish.The more sexually liberated women I know understand what sex is about. It’s not a means to an end…unless that end is an orgasm. Too many women think men actually ‘treasure” your pussy and that will grant you some secret code to utopia. So withholding it ain’t gonna grant you no special privileges either…especially if once you give it up there’s so many strings attached he runs for the hills ((even faster if it just lays there looking pretty and nothing else)).

Sorry Paullette I respect this has been your experience but please believe my point of view on sex ( I’ll cop to what u might call prudish as I dont do the casual thing. Personally I just hold myself to a higher standard sexually.) is not a formulated narrowly. Its not the sex that is sacred ( for you it isn’t) but MYSELF. I hold myself in high esteem. I treasure my vagina 7 would love to please it just as I treasure my belly. But neither can have their cake & eat it too. For my vagina I will offer only the best. I want a man who holds it & me in the highest regard. Not someone who is just looking to jump in any pussy nevermind whose ( any pussy will do). That dude, you can have him, I’m looking for something better.

What you call sexually liberated I call promiscuous. & The secret code to Utopia comment is quite misguided as well ( at least for me). Having morals & being religious can infact be mutually exclusive. Again I just want to be with someone who has the capability of valuing me as much as myself. That in itself can be heaven. There is no need to withhold it when u are with someone u are truly connected to or trust.

Funny you are so liberated yet and still u can’t help but use words like withhold it & give it up. I dont see it that way at all. You can share it or you can not.

Again i respect your view & whatever helped you from that view but the presumption that women who aren;t casual are unhappy & in a state of mental bondage and furthermore that you are freer mentally somehow is bogus!

If I may pose you a question or any of the “Liberated” ladies if they care to respond: Would you say this to your daughters? Will u tell first that what between her legs is sacred & not something she needs to share with whomever & later tell her she’s been bamboozled. Or will you tell her right off to just fuck everythign she wants anytime she gets horny cuz tht’s what sex is for?

As paulettebajangal said women are joining the game! Don’t be mad.

I agree changing gender roles and norms have a lot to do with it. Many women aren’t interested in getting married or don’t want to sit around all hot and bothered waiting for “Mr. Right” to come along. And it’s not being selfish!! Women have been conditioned to believe that we are sex OBJECTS, not SUBJECTS, and understand our sexuality solely in relationship to men, and not as part of our individual identity.

I think it all boils down to each person knowing what they want. Some women/men use casual sex because it’s easier than investing time and energy into a committed relationship. Some men/women just want to get theirs and keep it moving. As long as people are honest with each other (and safe) then I don’t see this as the demise of relationships.

@Ameretta thank you for talking candidly with young people. Many here have addressed the confusion in media messages. Young people are sponges and with open communication we can help them cultivate healthy sexuality so that they make responsible choices as adults and can separate fantasy (i.e. Gossip Girl/For the Love of Ray J) from reality.

I have no problem with casual sex, it serves its purpose…but can we bring courting back?!

Had to throw my two cents in, too. This is a great topic. Call me selfish if you want, but I don’t share. I don’t expect to be put before a man’s kids, if applicable, cuz he won’t be before mine. But other than that, I don’t play second. If you wanna hang with me, you gotta let the other chicks go cuz I’m worth it. I’ve done the hooking up thing before. Got out of a bad relationship and was afraid of commitment, but I realized that I can’t separate emotions from sex. And I don’t think I should have to. If it works for you, that’s good. But I have to be true to myself. My concern is that some people are lowering their standards to make others happy. I’m not saying any of us are because we’re grown, but the young women and men might not be strong enough to say that something’s not acceptable to them. Some of those children need to raise their standards. Like Steve Harvey always says, “You can’t get what you need if you’re doing what you want.”

@Anonymous: I don’t get all those reality shows (Bachelor, Flavor of Love, etc.) Sorry, but I’m not about to compete with 20 women over some dude (except maybe NWSO; JK-gotta stay true to my man & I know that would NOT fly). No man, especially not Flava Flav, is worth me lowering myself to fight some chicks to get him. That’s just crazy. And I’m not about to be with some dude that I know for a fact is even kissing all those girls. Please. If I was a dude, I wouldn’t even want any of them. A woman who’s willing to accept that must not have very good self esteem. And it’s even worse for the dudes that go on there. How manly do you feel trying to get some chick that’s doing who knows what with how many other guys? Hopefully, none of ya’ll have been on those shows….otherwise, I just put my foot in my mouth.

@Seriously, No Seriously

Just because your selfish dont make you a bad person. If at some point you find a person that works for you and you still are being selfish that doesnt speak well about you as a person. Not taking responsiblity is just a sign of immaturity and means your not ready for a relationship.

I think people dont know there history in the 60’s people were big freaks and “shagged” like crazy. With no media outlet. If “hooking up” isnt your thing there isnt anything wrong with that ,but if you prefer to sex with no strings thats not bad either.

I think the difference between than and now is we are the “Me generation” even sex can be either selfish or selfless. We have a hard time finding pleasure in giving pleasure in life. We cant seem to find that selfish switch and turn it off.

I think its so true that casual sex is way more common now then dating. i find it so hard as a young women to find a man who is willing to actually be in a relationship. The past couple of dates i have been on the men stop talking to me after the first date because i wouldn’t have sex with them. just last week i met up with guy that i met online and as soon i got into his car he wanted me to come to his house and i said no cause i obviously know what’s going to happen if we go to his house and he actually told me to leave his car and call him whenever i want to be serious. i was so shocked that because i wouldn’t have sex on the first date he didn’t even want to actually go on a date with me . This isn’t the first time this has happened to me , i think men now a days want to have sex first and then they will see what happens.

I love my vagina…probably more than all you ladies on here combined. But it’s not a Holy Grail. I can’t argue with anyone about how they see it and what value they place on it…that’s your perogative.

For me…how you determine a special man from the jump beats me. You are gonna fuck him at some point…whether it’s the first night you meet him or you hold out for 3 months.And he could be the same conniving con artist the 1st night as he is 3 months later. There is a game being played…whether you see it and/or want to admit it or not. A man that wants to get in your panties WILL get in your panties. And the more clueless you are the harder you’re gonna fall after he gets in it.

That’s why women get hurt so easily…you place more value on some fictional relationship than enjoying your life. I’m not in a relationship but I know who to call when I need sex.And I’m a happy lark.With no apologies.

I’m 32 and I have done it all. I’ve been celibate for a period…I was married …had a few lovers at one point…did the booty calling…made it a mission to explore all my sexual fantasies.

I understand why women act the way they do…and react the way they do to women like myself. I fuck when I want to…with whom I choose. It doesn’t work for everybody. I let go of the prince charming complex a long time ago. I don’t need a man to complete me.

Like others said…what 2 consenting adults do is their business. There’s no magic formula that says how long you wait to fuck someone will determine how long you’re with them and what type of relationship you develop.

I must be really nieve but i dont know any dudes who would not speak to a girl again if they didnt sex the 1st date or 1st time chillen(what ever you wanna call it).

Ladies if a dude tell you he doesnt wanna speak to you if he cant sleep with he is doing you a favor. The worst dudes are the ones who allow you to think he cares and wants more when he really dont.

Like I said earlier maybe ladies should start asking dudes out on dates if ya’ll feel the ones who approach ya’ll dont date or dont do it properly!

I think that is pretty true. I finder it harder to “date” than 10 years ago. Everyone’s mind whether its a man or a women is just hooking up. I’ve had more than a few men try to establish some kind of fuck session right off the bat! Thats just crazy too. I used to get ticked off but now I just tell them no I’m cool.

Its so the norm now to hook-up. I just learned to date a little differently. I do a lot more “group” social things you know meet guys in groups, date groups of friends, Party in groups you know having a dating crew is a necessity, lol. Is actually a lot more fun and its nice as easy for the dudes to get it if your always dating with your girls.

I do wish though that 1 on 1 dating would hurry up a do a comeback.

@ ALL MY YOUNG LADIES

Basically to each his own. We are all grown. If a man (or a woman) is the type to fuck and dump, they’re going to dump your ass whether it’s day one or day one hundred one. I’m too old to care what the hell people think about what I do with my stuff, but I care about what I do with my stuff.

S’more (the comedian) said when you broke, you start thinking about all the pussy you gave away. LOL. I know she meant financially, but when you are emotionally broke you start thinking about the shit, too. LOL. And as much as we try to get rid of the thought, the sexaul double standards between men and women still exists. Trust me young ladies, you WILL get to a point in your life where you won’t want EVERY man you meet in between your damn legs NO MATTER HOW GOOD HE LOOKS. Nevermind whether HE respects you, you are going to want to respect YOURSELF. But in the meantime, enjoy yourself, be discreet and wrap it up! No exceptions!!!!

I don’t know what the big hupla is but it was no different than when we called it, “having a booty call”. It always seems shocking to the older generation when people in their teens and 20’s break away from tradition. Believe that the 40’s and 50 year olds would disapprove of our dating lifestyle, but we’d defend it

A few years ago I was on that I want a relationship….i’m gonna hold out to see what a guys’ intentions are…but now…I could care 2 cents. It has nothing to do with me not holding myself in high regards or my esteem level. I think highly of myself. Like a lot of women have said, how do you know if that guy that you made wait 3 months isn’t going to do the same to you as the guy you gave it up to on the first night?! You don’t. Now being irresponsible when it comes to casually having sex with anybody is another story. I do wish the old fashioned courting/dating would re-surface soon though.
It is a lot of work getting to know a person and connecting on every level to see if it could be a more and many have shyed away from it for that simple reason.

Yeah, a person can turn out to be an asshole whether one waits 1 week or 3 months or however one decides to wait to have sex with that person. But having watched others experience this, usually it’s harder to recognize that a person is an asshole when having sex in a short amount of time as opposed to waiting a while and finding out that the person is an asshole.

In my opinion, it’s better to err on the side on caution and wait a minute. People usually show their asses in the right amount of time; just pay close attention.

A woman can wait a minute and still be as empowered as a woman who revels in “p—y power” and doesn’t feel like waiting a minute.

Just for the record just because woman choose to have casual sex does NOT mean that we are lowering our standards. We dont want to commit but it doenst mean we settle for less than we deserve. For me i’m not trying to date anyone or be committed to anyone. I do have alot of guy friends and i do have casual sex however i have (only ONCE) had a one night stand. I still ask men the same questions and am still concerned about the same things had i been trying to date someone. I still get to know a person and yes it might just be sex. But sex is a part of life and i dont have to lower myself to anyone to get some. We do what makes US happy, people might label it “promiscuous” or “whoreish” but when was the last time you look at a MAN different because he’s slept with however man woman. You dont, you except it because he’s a man and you still date him or f**k him all the same. But woman get labeled when we do the same thing and its funny to me because the woman who wanna talk down on us, are usually the woman who’s men were or are still whores!!

I think the question is why are you dealing with this person. It doesnt take more than a few minutes of conversing with a female for me to know weither or not im into her and how. If the vibes are completely phsyical and shes has a opening in that department and want me to fill it(no pun intended) why would we beat around the bush to make each other “sex buddies”. On the other hand if I think we are compatible then my focus shift on getting to know here better and not getting in the draws so much.

You would think the casual nature of sex would be a good thing for dating. I think it takes away alot of people who you might have thought was a good match and revealed that it wasnt. Honest is great even if it doesnt work in your favor.

Just think if there are so many emotionally disconnect males(like women are always saying) its in your best intrest not to date them seriously.

@ Da Throne…..I wasnt saying being selfish was a bad thing I was stating that the act of constantly being selfish will backfire when you meet the”one” because you will now be stuck in your ways that you may not come back from it!

I agree with some of the women the tables have turned and women have behaved and can handle casual sex, and not getting caught up to have something to do basically untlil Prince Charming comes along! It is a personal decision and you have to know your limitations. If you equate sex=love, no free p*ssy=higher self moral standards then casual sex is not for you! In my experience and coming from a several men’s mouth it doesnt matter whether you give out the first day or 3 yrs later they are not going to respect you any less or more! Some men do not value the vagina the way some will have you believe. I don’t knock peopl for what they do because we do not know their path and the reason’s they do what they do.

@ tracs you said:
If I may pose you a question or any of the “Liberated” ladies if they care to respond: Would you say this to your daughters? Will u tell first that what between her legs is sacred & not something she needs to share with whomever & later tell her she’s been bamboozled. Or will you tell her right off to just fuck everythign she wants anytime she gets horny cuz tht’s what sex is for?

I have told my daughter to hold off with sex until she gets her life going….it has nothing to do with her vagina being sacred but that sex and relationships are complicated and hard as they are wonderful and pleasurable. She needs to know who she is before making that step! I was one who knew who I was(when I started having sex) but was extremely influenced by the adults around me filling my head up with fairytales(IMO) and it wasnt until I started realizing who I was as a woman and my limits and desires that I began to deal with men the way I saw fit! I would never tell my daughter not to do anything that I did. I will warn her but I can’t forbid her. She is her own person and will take the path that is destined for her! She may become a stripper(not saying its bad but it does have a bad stigma) when she grows up but will her occupation hurt me, disappoint me? No…. she has to deal with her own trials and tribulations and answer to her maker by herself I can only give her the necessary tools and share my experiences and opinions with her.

I’m over 30. According to the article, this phenomenon doesn’t apply to me.

Just kidding – sorta. I have never nor will I ever go about meeting the “backwards way”. I date, then maybe hook up.

In general, I co-sign what Throne & Optical Illusion have said.
1. Women are not only just as bad as men when it comes to wanting nothing but casual sex.
2. At the same time, some complain about there not being any good men available – which is complete and utter BS.

Those who complain about today’s dating rules don’t have to play by them. Nobody forces us to agree to meaningless sexual encounters. Other people can only do to us what we allow them to do. So this whole “women have no other option” is a lie they justify their behaviour with. There is almost ALWAYS an option. Just DONT do it.

If one’s approach to dating seems to always have the same result, it is time to change it. Stop falling for the loud, bold guy who’s got game. Keep your legs closed until you know what exactly it is you want and more so what exactly it is you can actually get from the other person.

Short: common sense has fallen short lately.

Well said @Seriously. I think it sure as hell is important for us to know what fuels who we are & why we make the decisions we make and definitely we need to talk to our kids about what’s out there. I didnt mean for the term sacred to be take so literally though. I just meant it as a term to mean to value yourself.
You sure can’t forbid these things. My daughter is 12 & recently came home talking about she has a boyfriend. I gotta tell u this scares me to death because kids today are not as innocent as some of us were back in the day. As NerdWithSwag said above, at the time we were thinking about our first kiss kids today are thinking about oral sex. A friend told me I need to just say you’re too young & hell no but you have to know your kids to know whether this approach will work & for mine it wont. She once told me somethings are best not told to parents & I’d be a hypocrit is I said that I didn’t think this way when I was her age. In my mind I know she can do this without telling me like her little friends do so I am picking my battles & thanking God that we have trust between us, laying down groundrule & praying that the values I’ve been instilling have penetrated.

@ Throne “You would think the casual nature of sex would be a good thing for dating. I think it takes away alot of people who you might have thought was a good match and revealed that it wasnt.”…..I totally agree with this and for the most part how I look at casual dating! You may not have what I want in a man to sustain a relationship but you can take care of the need of my desires! I have been in a situation that the man was lacking in bedroom but everything else fit like a glove. And being the sexual being that I am it took a whole lot of control not to cheat or sabatoge the relationship b/c good sex is important to me. So does that mean I have to suffer(yes getting less than great sex is suffering to me LOL) because society says dont try it out first, wait to get to know him b4 jumping his bones! Like I said before to each his own who are we to judge what another does? If you can handle a casual dating scene have ya fun if you cant know your limits!…..if you want to date then be up front with a man and say i would like to do this or that if he go for it then cool if not NEXT! LOL

@ tracs….I feel ya b/c gurls are the hardest to raise! This day and age you have no choice but to start that “talk” early b/c kids are exposed to waaaay more than we were! I only took sacred literal b/c there are some people who truly believe that it is value in the vagina as is and only…but the value is in you, your morals and convictions and how you decide what works for you. But yeah I have always overloaded my daughter with info b/c i had parents who just said no, no explanation if they said anything at all and I didnt want my daughter going through what I went through trying to find myself and making decisions that shape my life! That’s the thing parents dont parent to fit their kid. I know what I expose my child to and I know what other parents (who’s in her presence) expose their kids to and what she watches on tv to what she does in the streets. I’m a parent who is involved in my child’s life so I can educate myself or figure out the right way to arm her with the neccessary tools to make it in this scary cold world!

Yes it is more popular…why I don’t know. Everything seems to be very fast paced now a days. At first we had the guys that dated you for years and never married or had children and never married. Now we have men and women who don’t know a sex partners last or sometimes first name before bouncing on them. This is so bizarre I thought I was just old fashioned. No it is just my standards and morals are higher than most can see from the window of a flying airplane. Before you know it we won’t even need a simple HELLO before ppl are bumping. Well since I am my own captain I can safe say, it takes more than just that for me. I feel if a man don’t want to hold out, he can get out. He is just not the man for me, that is all. Or maybe he is not a man at all. Sorry for any typo’s I am on the train and trying to rush, but I had to comment. Have a blessed day!!!

Did anybody read the article that Miss LisaAngelaPamelaRenee posted a link to? Interesting. 95% of Americans have premartial sex. Its nothing new. No big deal. As long as you are protecting yourself, what’s the problem. There’s nothing wrong with a little entertainment. If it becomes a pattern and that’s ALL you do. You can’t seem maintain ties with anyone longer than six months. The thought of committment makes you look for the nearest exit, well then…you might be behaving like Jessy Rod calls an emotional midget. LOL.

Navigating through men that just want to have casual sex for me is easy. I know exactly what man I want. I’m not really into the superficial shit and casual sex isn’t my thing. I tried having sex with people I didn’t really care about. It just doesn’t work for me. I need to feel something. A connection. I play. I flirt. I’m a tease. But most men wouldn’t even know what to do with me if they had me, so why bother. That isn’t braggin. That’s the truth. Sex for me must be not just good but mental, spiritual, emotional, passionate and intense. Not really into the superficial -ish.

@ NWSO *waving*

I read the article from Mr. Charles Blow to a group of 12th grade students!!

They totally agreed that some of their peers are hooking up before they date!!

It was a great conversation piece!!! I’m happy that my students were honest enough to tell me the truth!

So me as an adult had to talk seriously with them, since some of them are going away for college by the end of summer!!!!!

Keep up the good work Anslem!!!

@Ameretta

Cool, that’s dope. Glad to be of service

I think both men and women play a huge roll in the death of dating. Partially because some people see dating as a negative term for some reason. I once went to dinner, a couple movies, a walk in the park as well as had sex with a woman and according to her we never dated. :-S

I don’t know if she was ashamed of me or what.

But, I think with more women feeling that they don’t need men they are more comfortable with this situation. Also if you factor in more women wanting to wait on serious relationships to establish careers, it kinda all makes sense.

Sure, men have a huge role to play in this, but for the longest time this has been a dream scenario for many men who don’t want commitment. This sucks for men like myself & women who would actually like a relationship.

[...] to adjust to their new roles as husband and wife and truly understanding how different that is from dating. Adding on titles of mommy and daddy too soon can just make that transition even harder. That’s [...]