I’m not surprised that you (or any of your boys) would be turned off by the prospect of dating a single mom. It can be a scary proposition for some cats — especially guys in New York (I’ll get to that in a sec). But at least you’re honest about it. I’d rather a guy stay far, far , far away (like Saturn kinda far) than posture like he’s perfectly fine with me having a child only to later on express his frustration. And I don’t want a dude who is going to “get over” me having a child. F*** that — my boy is a blessing and, if a man can’t see that and feel blessed to be a part of my life and my child’s, then he can go jump in a lake. Good riddance. Peace out. Kick rocks, my dude.

But this is the part that annoys me: your dude saying a single mom is damaged goods. Is he for real? First off, most of us single mommies didn’t choose to be “single” mommies — quite a few of us were in committed relationships when we decided to have a child (or children) with our mates and, due to varying circumstances, our relationships crumbled and we parted ways with our kids’ father(s). We could’ve stayed with these men and lived unhappy lives of emptiness and dissatisfaction, but we decided we deserved better, that our kids deserved better. Single mothers are STRONG and that should be applauded, not mocked. You know how they say it takes a village to raise a child? Well, some of us just have a hut and a friggin’ tiki torch and we’re making it work.

All y’all talking smack about not dating single moms, let me tell you something. One day, you may get married, have kids, get divorced and end up a single dad. You may accidentally get a girl pregnant and wind up a father. Hell, you may have a long-lasting relationship, father some kids, and then end up single again. Life throws you curveballs. It is what it is.

But back to my theory about guys in NYC and how they’re particularly intolerant, selfish and childish when it comes to single moms. My theory goes like this: whereas in other parts of the country, men in their late 20s and early 30s have actively sought to start families and have children, the men of that age in NYC still wanna club hop, booze it up, hang out ’til all hours of the night and never be accountable to anyone for anything. It’s only when they realize they’re the “old guys “at the club that they start to consider “settling down” (and even then, they act like it’s a death sentence). If a man is so concerned about his ability to go out to the club, then he’s clearly still in that I-think-I’m-in-college phase. Which is cool. Do what y’all do. But see, I have one child to raise already, and I don’t need an overgrown man child coming into the fray.

A real man, one that loves children, understands commitment and can handle responsibility, won’t shy away like some punk because I’m a single mom — he’ll admire me for what I do and who I am.

Well put new-new!

I’m a huge believer of never judging a person’s situation due to my own. You see, I sometimes cringe when I tell people that I have child. Mostly because I know that they are thinking “great, another irresponsible, single, black mother;” and that was SO not my case.

I was diligent with my birth control pills since I was 15 years old and always insisted that my partner wear a condom as a secondary precaution. As you can see, I was very adamant about not having children because I wanted to experience a thrilling, no-holds-barred type of life. But somehow fate decided otherwise.

I was torn over a break-up and decided that I didn’t need birth control anymore; because I had swore off men. A month later I went back home on leave (I was 18 and in the military), and on my last night home, I decided to hang out with this guy from my old high school. Well, hanging out turned into date rape. And that rape turned into an unwanted pregnancy.

I was so stressed out over what happened that I didn’t realize that my cycle never came until it was too late. I found out I was pregnant when I was almost 5 months pregnant. I couldn’t bring myself to abort a moving, living creature inside of me and adoption was never an option because I was too scared to tell someone what happened.

With all that said, I do feel that sometimes I have been penalized by single men with no children because of my son. I feel hurt at times, because they don’t know the story behind my situation. I didn’t have a baby to trap a man, I wasn’t an irresponsible teenager and I didn’t even have a relationship with the person who impregnated me. I had no choice in the matter, but then I look at it blessing; mainly because it helps to weed out the bad seeds.

Thank you for allowing me to share

NWSO: I cosign 100%. I’m apprehensive about dating a man with kids. Dates lead to commitment, commitment leads to marriage. And instant mommy-hood is not for me; in fact, mommy-hood is not for me at all. You see, I’m a selfish and irresponsible so-and-so. And I’m not apologizing for what some may see as character flaws. I love the freedom of being able to pick myself up and travel the world over if I so choose without the responsibility of having to decide who cares for my child when I leave or having to take that child along. (Crying babies on a plane does not a perfect vacation make.) I wanna be able to use those Mary or Maxwell tickets, and not have to cancel because DG Junior is sick. I like not having to think about anyone but me and my significant other. That’s why I’ve decide not to have kids. Because to me, you can’t be selfish when you have babies in your life. If I had decided to have kids, I would want to dedicate 100% of my time and energy to raising that child. He/she would have to come first in my and my husband’s life. Every decision we make would have to be in the child’s best interest. A parent makes sacrifices for her/his child, and knows when to draw the line when actions are not very parent-like. Listen folks, I realized a long time ago that I’m not parent material. My maternal instinct is purely temporary–a few hours here, a weekend there–and strictly for baby-sitting other people’s children that I know I’m giving back to their parents at the end of the day or weekend.

So in a perfect world I want a man sans the responsibilities of a child. Dating a man with a child is putting myself in a situation for which I’ll never be ready–not physically, mentally, or emotionally. Not to mention the baby-mama drama that comes with the package. Good googamooga, why would I want to put myself through all that? No, no, no.

But there aren’t many childless single 30- and 40-something men out there–straight ones at least. So my options dwindle as I get older. But hey, as I said before, I’m and idealist, so I’m still keeping my hopes alive.

My ex had a child, it actually was not that bad. I’m just not sure if I would do it again. However, I can’t justify why I would not do it again, I guess I like coming first. Well, I know that I like coming first. But, the truth is our heart may feel one way and our brain is telling us something different.

Look, everyone has issues. I’m not calling a child an “issue” but the single parent situation is not the end of the world. NWSO you may overlook a potential canidate for a wife just because she has a child. Think about it!

Well I certainly understand your point but I don’t really understand why its a problem for some men or women to date adults with a child ( now I’m cool on more than one though, lol). But I’m not really in to dating men with “children” myself, even though I have one.

I don’t get is why people are dating with their children. Relationships and are so loose anyway, you meet some one, try to get to know them and a few months later maybe a year you then move on if the relationship isn’t growing. You know?

Why is a persons child involved in that, with a new stranger? I’ve never had an issue my son getting attached to a relationship because to me that’s just same tacky, lazy parenting. He has attachments to his constants which are his family.

Now I don’t really know about the Drama issue but I suspect all this Baby Mamma/Baby Daddy Drama I keep hearing about is because to many trifling men/women include thier child(s) in their “relationship”, one after another w/o regard to their own. So that drama was caused all by them self.

It all good to date people with kids but not their kids all that is so out of line, lol. So stop dating
womens kids and stop dating women who try to include their kids and vice versa. Ya’ll don’t need to celebrate their birthdays, take the kids to the movies, meet thier kid because yada, yada, yada, we’ve got to kill that lameness for real.

I am the mother of a 12 year old. I am not sure if I am considered a single mother, because my son’s dad is very active in his life. I have always been able to come and go as I please, because I have a ridiculous amount of support from both my side and my son’s paternal relatives.

My ex-fiance saw my son, but was not introduced to him for the first 2 years of our relationship. To be honest, I monitored the interaction b/w the 2 of them for the years we were together. My son likes him a lot, but he is not devastated by our split as my ex was never a MAJOR part of his life.

I have no problem dating. I never have. I think being a mom helps me determine the measure of the man who may or may not enter my world. There are certain things I do and say (because I am a mom) in the first conversation that let me know what type of man I am dealing with. This has never failed. I might also add that I rarely meet/date men with children. It is not that I am discriminating. I just do not meet them.

@New New Rican,

Congrats on your strength. Kinda sexy

@Shay,

Wow, thanx for sharing that. I won’t say “sorry” for what happened because you don’t need anyone’s pity and your child is a blessing, I just wish he had came via more positive circumstances. Admire your strength to see it through and to share your story.

@MissJoi,

Like I said I’m not 100% opposed to dating a single mom, it’s just not my ideal for the reasons I stated in post. A child doesn’t make a woman less hot persay, it’s just a more complex relationship with “baggage” but we all have our own baggage anyway. But also, I’d like to start my own family one day and not necessarily with a starter kit already in progress. That’s my preference, but who knows what the Man upstairs has in store for me. For all I know my future wife/woman for my eternity may have 5 kids.

@Emotional Funk

Truthfully, I don’t wanna meet anyone’s kids. Not at all until we are at a committed level in a relationship where we both plan to be in each others lives for years, if not forever. Outside of that, why even do it to the kid?

EMO funk- I charge the BM/BD drama to both adults not being grown up enough to realize that it is not about them anymore.

Men- do not bed the mother of your child if you know you are through . It will confuse her and can only lead to drama.

Women- Do not bed your child’s dad if you are done with him, or he says he is done with you. If you are done move on. If he is done, have some pride and do not let him tap for tappings sake.

Why you gotta call a sister out? LOL! You know I’m not the only one who’s gonna be all “Oh, hells no, Walter.

Misogyny is a disease and it’s widespread. Brothers and sisters alike need to get an innoculation.

Damaged goods? *shakes head*

I hope you let Walter know how sexist that was and that he was talking about a lot of people’s mamas ’cause there’s a large percentage of us folk been raised by a woman alone. The kids sure as hell didn’t get there by themselves and like, New-New said, the women didn’t necessarily plan it that way. Why should the fact that a woman would take on the burden of doing the hardest thing in the world to do by yourself work against her? I won’t even break down how a woman isn’t a object or an item to be seen as in salable condition ’cause I feel like that should be common sense 101.

My two cents:

I don’t have any kids. I’m not sure if I want them, I’m still figuring that one out. I love kids but I know I don’t want to do it alone. It’s a lot of work for two people and takes a tremendous amount of sacrifice.

Would I date a man with kids? It depends. I’m more spooked at the prospect of there being a justifiably pissed off baby mama than I am about the munchkins. I wouldn’t date a man that didn’t have a good relationship with his ex or at least partial custody of his kids. I can’t respect a man who isn’t making every concerted effort to be a good father. I also wouldn’t expect to meet his kids until we knew we were serious. I don’t think it’s fair to the children to bring prospective dates around and involve them in their lives unless you knew it was gonna be long haul.

@NWSO

Starter kit?!!

This is what makes me sad. Relationships are work and it’s always complex. I’m not saying you can’t have a template for how you hope it’ll be, but a child is not a liability.

Would you love a stepkid any less?

Been there, and may do it again…
i fell in love hard for a woman who is a single mother. Actually i dreamt her and her son a year before i met them. it wasn’t easy, we were both young (son included 1.5 yr) and no familial support. I’ll not go into the details of why and how we came together.

Being needy for love and companionship as a result of not having it as a child played a big part in my thinking. Anyway we developed a family and it wasn’t easy. Could it have been in retrospect. maybe but that was then.

I’m not against that type of relationship but i do know its a lot of work and i don’t like work. Dealing with a childs parent (the one who isn’t in the picture fulltime) is tough and need not be.

Again a lot comes down to communication…and really dudes need a head-check someone to challenge their thinking…

H’s position resonates with me, a child is not a liability. Everything you opened with Socks runs like that sad ol R. Kelly song “reminding me of my jeep”. Women becoming objects vs individuals/species/human. Children becoming worse…obstacles, repulsive….

I ponder that thinking, where it manifests from…

anyway

peace

j

@H*

I’m a writer, I like to use “cute” turn of phrase when I can. Shoot, don’t have a 9 to 5 to turn phrases at will, have to keep the skills sharp. But of course I’d love a step kid (non-spoiled lol). It was my mans-n-them that called MILFs damaged goods, not I. I just prefer motherless women for completely selfish reasons, but again if my Ms. Right is also a mom so be it.

@J-Tall

Love your comments man. You be going in… DOn’t always agree LOL, but appreciate the conversation regardless.

Preach, New New! Chuuch! Lol.

It takes a great (wo)man to want to be with a single parent… and if you are single parent going above and beyond for yourself and your child, then you will get what you deserve…GREATNESS!

I have a 3 year old son and b/c his father is totally absent from his life, I have shyed away from letting any man that is not related by blood or a very good friend get close to him. I honestly would rather be single and raise my son to be a good man, than be in negative or unhealthy relationships just for the sake of having a man. So I don’t understand how this possibly makes me “damaged goods”?

I make concious decisions to live my life everyday and raise my son. If anything being a mom should be a great indicator to men (of a woman’s caliber), you already have an idea of how I handle responsibility, manage finances, and raise children. Or do men just like to be surprised when they get a woman pregnant and all the pretending stops. She can’t cook, clean, has bad credit, and is mad b/c she can’t go to the club this weekend b/c her stomach is starting to drop.

It really depends on what a man really wants from a relationship… if a woman has a child see it as a blessing in disguise. You know from the jump what you are getting yourself into. You can’t pretend to be something you are not when you have kids. There isn’t enough time in the day.

I’ve been following your blog for a week or so now, and I love it! It’s very refreshing to see such a blunt style.

I have 2 children, and am a single parent, but not by choice. However, my children’s father is deeply involved in their lives and we never have any issues regarding that.

I personally wouldn’t date anyone with children, unless I KNEW them, and let it ride out for about a year, seeing how they interacted with the child and their ex (or baby mama). The reason why is because I had a situation last year where I began “talking to” a guy with a 4 year old. He and I had known each other for about 2 years prior to us dating. The baby mama was constantly talking junk about me, refusing to let their lil man go places with us, etc. I actually had to cancel a trip to Disney World because at the last minute she decided she didn’t want lil man to go because I was going to be there. She would call when I was over to talk to their child and I could hear her over the phone “Is that girl over there? Is her baby there? Does her baby look like your daddy? Is that baby your daddy’s baby?” etc. and the child was only 4!!! This heifer actually threw away the birthday gifts that I got him, which were nice clothes (Gap, Gymboree, etc) and some nice toys.
The guy didn’t handle the situation the way he should’ve and I bounced. I put up with it for a couple months before I couldn’t take it anymore. The final straw was when she got a Section 8 house and was trying to rub it in my face that SHE had a house and I only lived in an apartment. Hello? I own my own car; have my own job and my own apartment. My bills are PAID and I don’t live off any sort of government assistance. Keep in mind – I’d never MET nor personally spoken to this chick. Never. She did all this talking to him, his mom and the child, always where I could hear over the phone or just behind my back. The guy was 100% in the wrong for letting it go on, I think he was an instigator and just loved the drama. So no, I can’t do it, that situation burned me pretty badly.
On the flip side, I’m very particular about who my kids are around (hence me being single) and I’d much rather be single than be a serial dater. I love my children and dedicate my all to them, it is just unfortunate that their father had commitment issues and didn’t want to be in our marriage anymore. Not their fault. Damaged goods, maybe to some, but like a previous poster said, if they don’t like it they can kick rocks. Bye.

Dated a man with a child… He refused to get out and take care of it… In fact as the relationship evolved I ended up taking care of his son and my 4 sons… I am a single parent too… That sucked…

The baby mama was abusive to the child so I ended up partially responsible for the child… That sucked!

On the other hand my partner now sees my sons as a blessing as do I. He says the strength of character that I exhibit in taking care of them makes me more attractive. It’s a beautiful thing because he is a phenomenal man.

It depends on the man… men who don’t want to put fort much effort, or are afraid that they can’t maintain a woman with children… That’s what my DJ says… He says how the baby mama acts depends on the man because if he is clear about what’s going on then another woman has no ability to create drama in his life… So far he is correct…

BTW… I don’t quite understand why there is such a stigma about people who receive Section 8… We always say things like I have my own this and that and make it seem like receiving government assistance is a bad thing…

Then corporate giants are jumping, running and bucking to get “government assistance”. I wish the family of 7 who died here in LA last week could have gotten government assistance before the couple agreed to kill themselves and their 5 children for fear of being “poor”.

i admit to shying away from men who have kids. i love that men are active in the lives of their children, its actually a turn on.

however in a lot of my experiences men who already have children are not looking to have more when and if they get settled with a woman. a lot of them feel like they have kids now, they don’t want more.

for me having a family with children is important. its not that i wouldn’t love and care for my mates children from previous relationships, but i would want a child of our own.

and that could also cause animosity between the the children from previous relationships and children from the current relationship, i wouldn’t want to risk the potential for that heartache on the kids. i can only imagine the range of emotions that a young child would go through watching their dad (or mom) have a relationship and family with some one else.

but i think in this day if you exclude dating a person because they have kids you most likely are short changing yourself, you never know what the back story of the person is, and some things a person shouldn’t be penalized for. you could potentially be missing out on a great person.

the most important thing to me is if a man does have children he has to be a good father. no way would i date a man who has children and is a half ass or a dead beat.

bruh, you are really hitting them out of the park with regard to your recent blog topics. However, I think you let that sista, pandora, out of th box. I, too, am a single brotha, mid 30s, nice career and no kids. Having no kids has been due in large to some luck, and not wanting to have an everlasting bond with a sista until we both TRUST and LOVE each other enough to do it legal and get married. Up until a few years ago, I was walking the same path you and your boys are walking –didn’t involve myself with mothers’ with kids unless it was on a casual physical level. However, as I now realize how many quality sistas I missed out on due to my fear and selfishness regarding not wanting to be an instant pops, I am now much more open to having serious relationships with MILFs, providing they are emotionally stable, no baby-daddy drama and they realize that mutual parenting will be the reality if we get serious, and not that pulling rank–”u ain’t my son’s daddy, you can’t do that”, which seems to happen a lot from what I hear.

Having said all that, my first preference will always be meeting a sista with no kids and starting a family together.

NWSO, I know its gotta be hard finding a sista in NYC with no kids, you may have to search the late 20s pop., just don’t go beyond that 5 year gap. Or move down south like I did.

To my sistas out there who have made a difficult situation a success with regard to holding it down and raising a chld solo. Even though I applaud you, please kick some knowledge to younger women and encourage them to slow their roll and wait until a guy formally committs to them before having his child. Although that doesn’t absolutely promise that they won’t eventually end up single moms, it does increase the odds the other way, and it also increases the chance that a child will have a father in his life. No matter what excuses we use as a race, we are someimes too too casual with having babies out of wedlock, and wth cats you don’t trust or even know that well.

actually, its getting harder to find a single man in his late 20s/ 30s without a child. my take: you got a kid, you take care of it, you can’t spend as much time with me, its all good. i’d rather you say you’re gonna see your daughter and can’t be with me than u are sitting on your ass at home.

if our relationship goes past a point that you see longevity with me, meeting your child is inevitable. regardless, you’re the parent for life and need to decide how you want me involved.

@new-new

U GO GIRL!!!

I am also a single mother and reading your comment makes me want to stand up and put my fist in the air and shout AMEN!!…..lol

I APPLAUD U (US) STRONG SINGLE MOMMIES and so should all others, whether they feel we are “damaged goods” or not.

This blog hit a sensitive spot because I too run into “men” who shy away from me because of my precious daughter. HOWEVER, I do have a few potentials who ask how my daughter is doing every time we speak. That is a small but very strong gesture, they get kudos!!

I personally believe depending on your stage in life, if you are young, on the go, no real roots.. sure you can pick and choose, once you get past say 40ish doin your thing, your opitons are limited, you may not find as many available mates without children. Speaking from personal experience I am divorced via singlemomdon, after ten years of marriage and my son is tight with his dad. Most men I meet, have children, rarely I meet a guy past or close to 40 without children which is a great thing, because by that point, they usually don’t want any (neither do I, besides the one I have). Your private affairs are just that private, you do not have to expose your child to your mate 24/7, you do you, and I do me, when we get to togehter we do we..but your Man, doesn’t have to represent that fake father figure it isn’t his responsibility..I choose not to expose my son to ANY ole dude I am dating, it is not necessary, he has a father and besides, I don’t think it is appropriate for him to see or be around me and my dates, unless of course it is someone who is going to be my next husband..that’s my rule….And we make choices, as adults if that’s not your flava, dating a woman with kids, after one conversation with someone you automatically know the choice you need to make, makes your life alot easier to keep it movin, I ain’t mad atcha, but damaged goods, I say is a harsh term.

new-new rican well said
As a newly single mother with 1 son I can understand how some men and women may feel that they dont want to to date people with children. I have always dated men with children because I am doing just that dating not marrying them. As long as the person I am dating takes care of his children I am fine with it.

i agree with tru-bian in regards to meeting sista’s without kids in nyc. i’ve had to step down to the mid-late 20’s which is an experience in itself. the one’s without in my same ageset aren’t really interested in making babies and having a relationship…they’d prefer the baby and no man on the side.

it is equally difficult (for women) to meet men w/o kids…half the women i meet wonder if i’m gay or have a disease that can’t be rid of. The other half get hmmm “this cat is waiting or not wanting for a long time…why” and that’s the half that usually ends up on the wanting a baby but no man side..thus the step down to mid-20’s. plus like socks i’m mad picky about the women i deal with (natural hair, no lipstick… a brain used for more than giving brains…the list is long…but clear and understandable).

growing up without a father, i’m adamant about being in any child i concieves life. and the woman would have to be equally so….a ride or die chick to the end…i keep that shit clear….i’m not for letting the gov fuck up our shit…part of the reason why i waited so long is wanting to have something (vocation) i could stand on my own and travel with regardless of what the situation economically is. sustainable vocation.

one day i hope…that baby and mate

My hand is up!

I too have been there, done that &

I’m back at it again!

I agree with J, it is a lot of work to date someone with children……especially men that have teenage girls…

Back track to me, I’m in my late 20’s no children of my own. The first man I met had a teenage daughter, & we did not get along at all! She was rude towards me, she hung up the phone on me, she couldn’t see her daddy being with anyone. Ok, I took it as a daughter being overprotective of her dad. (Plus I grew up w/o my daddy so I never wanted to get in the way of a father/daughter)Long story short the relationship ended.

So I was a bit jaded to meet someone with a child, due to my past experiences. I told myself “I;m not going to met any man with children! Oh well”

Then things changed, I met my current guy.

So I told myself if I get involved w/some1 that has a child, I don’t want to meet this child until I know this relationship might so somewhere. I stuck by my guns for 2 yrs until I met my current guy’s daughter……….

So I say this to say that if having a child is “damaged goods” you will never truley get to know that person…..Dang! My mother raised me by her lonesome, my father popped his head in from time to time, but mommy held down that fort!

Today she is remarried…& I wonder what would have happened if my stepfather totally disregarded my mother because she had me???

Sh*t know the person, give it a chance if you want it to work out!

My biological daddy wasn’t the best, but my stepfather came in & treated me as his very own, I’ll take it back to Shaq “Because My Biological didn’t Bother”

I have never had a problem dating women with kids. Never bothered me. The proof is in my wife. She had a kid before we were married. It just depends on how you approach the situation and how both adults chose to handle it. For instance there was a situation where the mother would meet me at my home or wherever so as not to confuse the child. Anyway its my first time commenting on the site. Love your work NWSO. Wanted to pass through at your b/day bash but I work Thursday nights, maybe next time. Keep writing!!

Great topic.

Before I had my daughter I dated a few guys with a child/children. I was in a 4yr relationship with 1, and there was BM Drama. I brushed it off no big deal.

I’ve never had a problem getting a date. I am a single mom of a 17month old. When I meet guys I make it clear that I have a child, and that she’s my number 1 priority. So far I haven’t had any guy turn me away because they find out I have a child. I don’t let any guy meet my child who isn’t in the bloodline or is a good friend. That’s just my personal rule, if I’m not deeply committed then there is no need for you to meet my daughter. I guess that lets a guy know how important they are to me.

I just don’t believe that my daughter should see me interact with in any guy in a relationship manner unless it’s her father. I don’t want to confuse her. I want my daughter to grow up and know her worth, and I don’t truly believe that I can show her that if I bring different guys around her.

The 1st guy that I dated with a child, he waited a whole year to introduce me to her. And he waited until 3months after we were together and 2months after his child’s birth to tell me about her. He only told me because someone else told me first, so I guess in a way he was just confirming. His reasoning was because he thought I wouldn’t want to be with him if he told me, and he wasn’t sure how far our relationship was going to go so he felt that there was no need to mention it just yet.

I don’t think any man/woman is damaged goods if they have a child/children. That’s so biased in so many ways…

I am a firm believer that children can pick up on other peoples’ auras quicker than adults, so if it came to a point where my daughter was old enough and I was dating someone that she did not like, I would stop dating this person (providing it wasn’t because my daughter was just being selfish, or hoping that her father and I would get back together).

To the issues of the BM/BD Drama, I think no matter what, once you have a child with someone and you’re not with them anymore putting in your 2cents or voicing your opinion automatically constitutes BM/BD Drama.

Although, I am not with my daughter’s dad anymore we still talk often, and as long as he’s not mad at me he gives me advice, and he tells me if I shouldn’t date some dudes, and I must admit I value his opinions. And also if he felt like there was something that I wasn’t doing concerning our daughter, or if he felt that I was putting another guy before her he would voice his opinion. Likewise, with me, I stay voicing my opinion to him, but I guess since I’m the custidial parent females that he deal with think it’s drama, rather than the truth.

I definitely agree with the person that said if you are done with your BM/BD then don’t engage in sexual activity because 1 or both parties will become confused and it can add to the “drama”

Also, if I run into a guy that has a child, I observe how they treat their child/ren and the mother, because if a guy treats his child like crap and doesn’t spend time with them, and they treat the mother of that child like crap, then why would you expect them to treat you and your child any different. If you are a deadbeat dad/scum bag then don’t look my way.

Too many times females see how these guys treat their kids and refuse to pay child support, or always calling their BM out of her name and they still think “O well, that’s not me. He wouldn’t do that to me. His BM just crazy. He loves me.” PUHLEEASEEEE! Open your eyes.

Also fellas if she spending more time with you than her child, leaving her child in the house by his/herself just to spend the night with you, do you want to be in a relationship with that person…. (probably yea)

If you don’t want to date someone that has a child/ren, that’s fine but don’t consider them “damaged” because more than half of married people get divorced, people get raped, spouses die. There are so many circumstances out there, don’t write people off.

Not for nothing NWSO, I bet your friend “Walter” has self-esteem issues, somebody with a child probably told him to kick rocks….

I really appreciate the comments from my girl Hannah, J-Tall and all the single moms above.

A strong, intelligent man definitely needs the same in woman to counter his bullshit and help him rise to a higher way of living and thinking…who better than a single mom? Your friend Walter is too immature/judgemental to see the value in that type of relationship. I guess I’m being rather judgemental of him too. Everybody has their preferences.

Nobody likes drama. But women without children can have just as much if not more baggage than women with children. Crazy ex issues, abandonment issues, clingy tendancies…please my single childless girlfriends get on my LAST nerve sometimes. I just wanna shake the hell out of them and tell them to suck it up and stop whining all the damn time. I don’t suffer from lonliness and have a full and wonderful life. Get in where you fit in.

Still, I do not share my BD issues with the men I date. Although there are times when I want so badly to be comforted, I am grown and mature adults do not rely on others to improve their situation or make them feel better. We are all responsible for our own happiness. It is unfair to put that on the person you are with.

Personally, I prefer dating men with children (ahem, ONE child). I don’t wanna deal with no baby mama drama either! Men with children understand and respect my lifestyle/schedule much more than a man with without children. Me being who I am… I just keep an open mind and that’s what I look for in the men I date…openness. And no, they DO NOT get introduced to the kids until I know it’s the real deal.

Like J-Tall’s situation, you never know who you’ll fall in love with.

Now I can understand a man not wanting to get involved with a “ready-made family”. But to say she was damaged well thats not cool. She might have not have had options. I know cause I’m a single mother by force. My husband was shot and died and left me with my son. I am not damaged, I think I’m a stronger person frommy life’s experience. As for letting guys in on my family history, I tell them up front I have a child he comes first if they cant handle it no biggie. I also choose not to introduce my child to the datee until I feel it’s for real and I try not to over expose my son to my dating deeds.
But everyones different and I can say atleast you are honest, cruel but to the point.

Condolences on your loss Anonymous. Most definitely women and men are single parents for different reasons and should not be judged under one sweeping generalization. Personally, I still prefer a childless mate, but if God gives me my Ms. perfect with a child(ren) then so be it.

I think the main fault folks have with what was written was Walter’s proclamation that all single folk with kids are “damaged goods.” Although he’s not here, I’m sure he meant it in partial jest.

NWSO respects all mothers, and like I said, I myself am the product of a single mother and I know she sure as hell ain’t damaged…She’s single though.

lol

I believe that everyone is entitled to their own dating preferences. I do not think I would ever, date or marry a person with a child unless they were an extraordinary person or they had a past/ situation that is not the general: I was with someone and we had a child and then we CHOSE to not be together. I do not agree with that because I believe morals and values have declined significantly in todays world and personally I do NOT agree with that. I think once a child is birthed unto this planet they should be BOTH parents TOP priority. That means putting them first not yourself. A lot of people have posted above that they believe this. I can not really see how this is true because I do not think it is the childs best interest to have to be shuffled back and forth between two homes because two ADULTS could not at least fake it until the CHILD made it (out of the home). People break up because they cannot be with each, that is an adult decision that takes the child into account in no way, shape or form. HOW is that protecting the childs needs?
Seeing as how that is how I feel I cannot be with a man who I believe should be with the mother of his child/children. I would never feel right in being the third party in a child’s life when all they should know are the two parents who came together and concieved them. If people are honest with themselves I think they would see that a two parent household is the best way to raise a child. And those two parents ideally should be the biological parents (again barring extraordinary circumstances). If two people are not certain that they WANT and CAN and WILL be together forever then perhaps they should refrain from making a child together.
I know I may be a little too radical with the perspective but it is what it is.

@Moe,

I beg to differ on one of your points. If two people are married or dating etc (parents) but the relationship is volatile or abusive I don’t think they people should stay together for the sake of the child. AT the end of the day a child witnessing violence just for the sake of saying you have two parents is more damaging than the parents separating. Yes, the ideal is two parents and folks should truly be in love when they procreate, but shit happens and people sometimes change, so I think forcing a fake relationship isn’t the best for a child. In fact, two people that would have broken up if not for a child will probably end up resenting the child and their mate for being “trapped” when if they were not parents they could cut their losses and not be attached to that person for life because of their offspring.

Yeah I get your point and I agree but that is an extraordinary situation. I feel people use the shit happens excuse so much that it has gotten on my last nerve. Shit usually does not just happen, there were many telling signs along the way that were probably ignored. What are the real odds that someone would become abusive after a child without clear signs that abuse was coming?

All that aside, it is simply something I would NOT allow into my life unless there were extraordinary reasons behind the scenario. I do feel that as ADULTS life is not always ideal sometimes things go bad but people really do not work hard enough to fix relationships before casting them aside like they were meaningless.Other than that to each is own. I will not go on because I have been around enough to know that how I view things to be extremely different then how others view things.
Hope everyone had a great weekend.

A lil touchy subject. I have 2 children and they both share the same dad. I am far from being “damaged goods”. I must say though, when I do date, I do not bring men around my children. Just because i do not want them to see mommy bringing home this guy or that. Only with one person, has it ever gotten serious and my children got to know that person eventually. My ex communicated to my children, but not where they could get fully attached to him. I felt okay introducing them to him because he had kids of his own. We are not together anymore, and i could probably count on one hand how many times they have asked about him since we separated.
Oh and I believe that people only have drama because they allow it (just my opinion).

I agree with Simone. I understand a man with no kids not wanting to date a woman with kids. However, as a divorced mom of 3, you wouldn’t even meet my kids. It is just not necessary. First, I am not looking for a new dad for them, they have one. Second, it is not good for children to see their mom with a new guy every week. It would have to be very serious, and I just don’t see myself getting serious with anyone until they are grown.

I am new here but this topic interest me so I am going to give my 2 cents.
I agree with both sides of this topic – the single parent and the singles not wanting to date the single parents.
I am 33 with a 15 year old – (I was 18). Her father was gone at the words “I am pregnant” and never looked back. I did have a long term relationship for 6 years until he cheated. At which point I decided my daughter didnt need to deal with this type of nonsense so I have remained single for the last 9 years. I have met some good men who have become nothing more than friends only because I decided my daughter was more important to me during this time in my life. Since she is older I do have a little more freedom but at the same time she is very active in sports so I am therefore a very active sports mom.
At one point in my life I did feel like I was “somewhat” damaged goods who wants to date a single mom regardless if she is taking care of her own. I decided rather than feel sorry for myself I would become the best mother and woman I can. I choose not to date and wait until my daughter is older because I dont have the time to put into a relationship or to give someone else the things they would want out of a relationship.
At the same time when I am ready to date I dont think I will date someone with young children once my daughter is 18 and begins a life or her own I will finally be the single woman and since it will be later in the game my choices may be limited but that is a chance I am willing to take. I feel I have dedicated and made enough sacrifices to be able to choose to make that decision.
Maybe single parents arent damaged goods – more like a prize that you may just want to claim at a later date.

To speak on this as the Bff of a mommy with a 3yr old. My bestie is beautiful and so to guys it doesn’t matter bc she is too prretty. They ready to be step daddies. That whole damaged goods comment is harsh. Who’s to say that her stuff isn’t just as good as other chicks. Anyways. Dudes crack me up.

wow, well lets see im 38 years old and i think i got it going on. I was married to my husband while my kids were small and the men that tried to get in between that were never scared off by the fact that i had kids and they sure didn’t care that i was married. They were prepared to do whatever to get what they wanted. Most men are when what they want is “right now”. In any dating situation u have to have some kinda common sense.

After my divorce i must agree with another woman on here my kids are so great I had men that were ready to step into what ever role i would allow. But that’s because of the kind of woman I am. I am not the type of mom who did enjoy her kids. I loved being with my kids now that they are on their own. Im doing me, enjoying my life and if a man doesn’t want to date me because im a MILF lol wow he doesnt know what he’s passing up cause kids are a joy they grow up and leave the nest and what is the man left with? A woman who knows the words devotion, love, kindness, and knows how to execute these things in all of their meanings…
that and the fact of all those fantasy’s she can now act on with the kids gone? lol

Well to each his own..

uuhhhm, Im a single mom and I actually tend to agree with the guy. I mean almost … I dont think a single parent is “damaged goods” per se, but they do mos def have a lot of baggage comin along for the proverbial ride! The reality for single parents is you dont get the chance for that one on one “get to know you” shit. You either get straight to the point most of the time or you dont get to it at all. Plus who really wants to have to deal with the possibility of the other parent being a dramatic one??? I basically been single since I split up with my kids dad … that would be almost 11 years! Every guy I know says they dont know why I dont have a man and sometimes I wonder the same, but the reality is I know why! I did what our boy said and never let dick come between me and my little mama. LOL … life sucks and so does doin the right thing sometimes. But I even say I dont think Id want a man with a kid! Go figure …

1st I think as humanbeings we’re all “damaged good” because I’m sure a good % of single mothers wouldnt be still single had it not been 4 somebodies mess and its vesy sexist for women 2 carry that label. Now that i’ve said that it very understandable why a man with no kids wouldnt wanna date a woman with them. Speaking 4 myself i have let most men in this era have dated women with children and the problem with its is this its way 2 tuff 2 be a great mother and great girlfriend. In a relationship 2 people must give there all 2 one another but if your a mother(a good 1 anyways) you cant just give your all 2 some dude your child is your priority and therefore you have 2 limited the amount of time and effort you put into that relationship. I understand the issue and if u meet a female who is just 2 great 2 walk away from than you suck it up and deal. But how fair is it 2 me 2 bring 100 and 2 have my counterpart not match my effort relationship are hard enuff with both parties giving there all but when somebody is holding back 4 whatever reason its usually spell doom 4 that couple!

@Moe,

I agree 100 with what your saying but the problem is our generation is selfish. If we could put our children ahead of our on needs then we should put our partners needs ahead of our owe in there wouldnt be any issue that couldnt be work out as a family but its our attuitude now if something not going right its the other person fault and instead of being an adult and talking out the issues 2 solve them its just easier 2 walk away and that why there are so many single parents!

Love isnt any less potent since it 1st appeared but we are a whole lot more selfish. And its okay in our culture 2 knock up a chick and not care or even worst 2 commit yourself 2 someone 4 life and change your mind the minute your partner starts 2 bore you!

@Tabitha,

Keep your head up ma!

I have no kids and I havent had a girlfriend in over 5yrs or so. So before you think that its just your child holding you back remember people suck! lol Na but for real when you love somebody you love everything about them for better or for worst(im sure i heard that somewhere before)lol!

OMG…….I have been told that I am the most selfish person on the planet because I won’t date (as in a serious relationship) a man with kids. Not only will I not date a man with kids, it is hard for me to date a man that is divorceds. If and when I decide to marry and have kids, I want my mate to be just as excited as I am about the things to come. The last thing I want is a lack of excitement because he has “been there done that”. I don’t think I would be a good step-parent and I definitely want to be drama free.

My best friend Angel and I had this conversation hours ago. She said she dated a guy who had seven (7) (yes you read that right) 7 kids and there was no drama. Big ups to ole boy for keeping the situation drama free. I would never put myself in that situation. To me that is drama waiting to happen.

I am elated that it is not just me and that there are guys out there that feel the same way I do.

I am a single mother. However, my son is in his first year of being a teen and isn’t constantly glued to my hip. I still tell guys (the ones that I want to date seriously), right up front, that I have a child and he’s 13. Some say cool, some don’t. The men I just want to hang out with, know little to none about my son. I used to not understand the big deal about dating someone with children, until I did.

I met this sexy Latino Scorpio and we just hit it off. When I met him, he had his children with him, which should have been a red flag. It seemed like everytime I saw or spoke to him after that, his children were with him. I met him in the summer, and in the summer, I use my house to bathe and sleep. My son and I are always on the go in summer. There were times this guy couldn’t get out because he didn’t have anyone to watch his children. It would be the mother’s weekend or her turn to get them from school and she just wouldn’t show up. I got so frustrated building my outings with him around those children. I stopped inviting him places. I let him call me when he could come out. The phone calls between us got fewer and fewer. He would invite me over, but I didn’t want to sit in his house with his BeBe kids. That’s why I only have 1 child and he’s 13.

After that, I really steer clear of men with small children. I know it’s hypocritical, but I am forgiving of those who don’t want to get into the package deal with me.

i can understand both sides i do not have children but more often then not i end up dating men with them majority of the relationships ended with us having no contact with each other at all which for some people is a good thing but i tend to get attatched to children and it does something to me when i cant see them because me and their father no longer have ties and most times that hurt more then the actual bhreak up lol so i have banned myself from dating men with children not because i mind playing the role of mommy to a chld who is not my own its more so for the emotional disaster of not being able to keep the relationship with the child.

I am a mother of 4, and to hear that a woman who has children is damaged goods, I dont understand. Could it be that there are some men who are not strong enough or can not think of anyone else but themselve. NWSO, you are right, it is not cool to come into a childs life and it not work out with the parent, it damages the child. So what I am saying as a single mother is that I know that there is love for me somewhere, and that it does not matter that I have children. Everybody gets a couple changes at love, regardless of whether they have children or not. Like my grandma said,” Every pot has a lid and some have a couple”. Thank you for listening.

@jocelyn

Not that im dissing you or your kids. Im sure you wouldnt know what 2 do without them ,but im single with no kids so what happens when i want 2 kids of my own now we’re up 2 six mouths 2 feed. If im wrong then so be it. Its not being selfish its being honest with yourself. And when are ya’ll(and i mean men and women) going start taking responsiblity 4 reproducing with the wrong people and expecting everybody else 2 live with your offsprings. Its called protection use it and not just in the bedroom ,but in your selection of the people you allow yourself 2 mate with! think about it

Im a divorced, single parent of 3 and I dont date men that do not have kids, basically because those that have kids understand how life with children work. I dont get mad when a guy says he avoids women with children, its understandable. And for a person who has children to get upset that a guy/girl doesnt want to be involved cause he/she has kids must realize that they wont always understand why we cant leave without notice, and even talking on the phone: there will be some commotion in the background at times. Men with children know about it, and thats why I prefer to only date those. So no, I dont think its wrong at all to not get involved if you dont have kids and the other person does. Parenthood is just a lifestyle that not everyone is made out for or even ready for. but I will say that because you have children does not mean you are “damaged goods” it just means you are “experienced in life”, lol

I’m a divorced single parent of two children. Im buying my home and I ride in style (Big boy benz). I’m doing good for myself and my children. Only a man could accept that along with me, there a package deal. If you can say a single parent with children has no future you are DEAD WRONG. That woman with no children that you would like more so then will be the one to dissappoint yu because she may be as selfish as you are.

Most would agree it takes strength to be a single mom, so I don’t know why everyone that’s been upset by his comment. Whether its been said to you or not, I’m sure its implied when you try to date. No matter what circumstance lead to you having kids and being single, the end result is that you still are a single parent. You should have already made peace with this as soon as you realized you were going to be a single mom.

There are just some things that I have heard my mother tell my siblings and I. The most real thing she said to me was “Don’t act like a Wife when you are not.” This has made me aware to not give certain privileges away and to refrain from thinking a certain way until I should. That’s the reason I prefer not to date men with kids. This is not just because I don’t want the added responsibility. For me it goes a bit deeper… I advice caution from this point.

I am tired of people playing house, being wifeys instead of wives, and that leads to being single parenthood. And then getting mad when other people don’t want to play house and family with you. (excuse the analogy, not trying to say that its a game, because its not.) I know accidents happen, but come on let’s get real. As a woman in a relationship, when you get pregnant either one of two things is going to happen, you’re going to feel dread either because you’re pregnant by a man you had no real intention of being with, or happiness because you think you’re going to marry him. For those who have got disappointed by their BD I am sorry. But that’s why I appreciate my mother’s advice so much, to be wife and mother of a man’s kid is an honor, but you were already acting as if you held the position without it and then got disappointed when circumstances still didn’t give it to you.

And that’s why I prefer not to date men with kids. If he didn’t Honor the woman who he ultimately chose to be the mother of his kid, thats a flaw to me. It’s not ok, in my book to play house. If he found out that the woman he was dating for years was going to give him a child and he didn’t see a need to make her his wife means that he was wasting her time because he never was going to marry her in the first place. I don’t like time wasters, because of everything, time is the one thing you can’t get back, and if he could waste her time then he could waste mines.

I realize that there are exceptions to everything. I don’t really think of divorced parents as single parents because they were married, it just didn’t work out. I would be more willing to date a divorced father than a single father. But with everything who knows….

@new new
“I’d rather a guy stay far, far , far away (like Saturn kinda far) than posture like he’s perfectly fine with me having a child only to later on express his frustration. And I don’t want a dude who is going to “get over” me having a child. F*** that — my boy is a blessing and, if a man can’t see that and feel blessed to be a part of my life and my child’s, then he can go jump in a lake.”

YES! I wanted to put that in another one of my posts but I just couldn’t articulate it the way I wanted to.

@NWSO

“One of the main reasons is the fact that I don’t want to get attached to a kid and vice versa only to have the relationship with his or her mother not pan out. While my ex would understand why I wasn’t in the picture anymore, but depending on the age of her child, he or she may not.”

Bingo! That is why I won’t introduce my children to men. Kids need stability, not revolving door.

I haven’t had a chance to read all responses but I’ll probably be back with more to add once I do!

Hm…

Many years ago I was blindsided by single parenthood. My son’s paternal donor of genetic material was not up to the job of daddy. I was quite surprised by how many good looking men were interested in applying for the position! A lot of them seemed to be interested primarily to “rescue” my son from the hell of bad boyfriends and mean step-daddy types. My kid is nobody’s therapy though. I wasn’t ready right away to be dating anyways; having just gotten out of a rocky long term relationship and also adjusting to new parenthood.

Before I became a mother I would not even think about dating a man with kids. Nope. I’m too selfish! I didn’t want to be anyone’s weekend mom, or deal with only seeing my man according to the custody schedule – let alone any kind of baby mama drama. When I became a single mother I figured I’d chill out and work on us.

Any man I dated would have to be better than average. He had to not only be worthy of me; but also my kid – the most perfect, beautiful, magic baby boy in the whole wide world. Eventually I did find him, someone I’d been friends with for a decade previous; we’ve been together going on 7 years how, married for five. Whether we were a couple or not he would have been a huge part of my son’s life. He is the best man I’ve ever dated, loves me more than any man aside from my dad (and maybe just about as much!).

Still, I expected to be deluged by men who just wanted a little something on the side, but I had four serious offers of marriage in one year; one of whom showed up at my house with a ring. I expected to have to keep my guard up; after all, what kind of man pursues single mothers? Perverts and womanizers. I’m sure we’ve all heard the jokes about how you can treat a single mother like dirt, how they all put out and are just so grateful for a little bone now and then. I ran into none of that. Maybe we were just lucky. I like to think that I was just that much more picky.

We aren’t damaged. I think we’re one of the happiest families I’ve ever met. There wasn’t really anything instant about it either.

Maybe we’re an exception to the rule?

I was raised with both my parents and I believe you should stick it out. I am 31 and do not have any children I don’t date women with children because I was raised old school you don’t come in between a man and his family even if his baby momma hates him that is still his family. She chose him and the child is the result of that. No matter what she says that is what I believe because that is what my dad taught me and in my life I notice that it is true. I tried it once and it just did not feel right, it was like he was her man and I was just sloppy seconds.
It made me feel like a looser or a boy toy who did not have the chops to get his own woman and start his own family.

People nowadays think they can redefine everything that used to be right to suit all of their wants and needs.
It should be you grow up be RESPONSIBLE and choose a mate and have a family and stick with it. Since when is it cool to have kids and be dating. My parents were not in love with each other all of the time (sometimes for years)
But they stuck it out and in the end they built something they could be proud of.

I’d love to date a single dad. That understanding is a definite plus.