For me trust is most important in a relationship. I would hate for someone to cheat on me, and I don’t think he would be able to totally regain my trust if he cheated on me. I would second-guess everything he did and scrutinize his every move after finding out. And I would never, never be able to love him the same again.

Sir, I believe you’re getting your adages mixed up. The one you mean to quote is-

Fool me once, shame on m- uh, you….. YA FOOL ME YA CAN’T GET FOOLED AGAIN!” – Dubya

j/k

I do think that love and trust go hand in hand with each other. I was with a man for 2 1/2 years, loving him, being his partner in every way, but he broke the trust between us to have sex with some chick he worked with. I really tried to make it work, but I honestly couldnt believe a word he said after that. When you love someone, trusting them comes natural, and without that trust, you are left worrying about what he’s doing, where he is, and why he didnt call, to fully love him like you did before. I learned that the hard way, but i’m a quick learner, so I knew that it was time for me to keep it moving.

There can be no relationship without trust. and unfortunately, I’m kind of a grudge holder, but I’m working on it.
I must admit that at my first real relationship at 27 years old, I was the snooping girlfriend. All my girlfriends had men, and that’s what they did. They told me that basically, if I didn’t keep after him, then anything could get past me because I wasn’t even checking for it! I also felt that if my man had nothing to hide, then looking thru his phone or otherwise shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Boy, did I learn a lot….
Even with some snooping, and a couple of talks letting him know that if I ever found out about anyone else, then I would be gone (No questions asked)……..there was always someone else. We were together for a year, and he was living with a chick, her two kids, and his baby! Crazy.
But after that, I realized that snooping or pressing him out didn’t work at all. He was still out there doing his thug thizzle. So I learned to be a lady at all times. Be self confident and don’t stress yourself out. And no cheaters don’t get second chances. no snooping. If you lay in the cut and observe, most people set their ownselves up to get caught eventually……..

once a person cheats in a relationship..the other person will always look at the cheater sideways for everything. If a man/woman wants to cheat.. instead if sneaking around and lying just break up with your partner.. You will be in the clear to do whatever you want. Or suggest having an open relationship. The other person should have a choice to stay or leave your cheatin ass.

I’ve always been of the belief that cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem. I see people who cheat as people who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives and actions and are selfish and insecure.

It’s the ultimate disrespect.

I could never be in love with someone who refused to be accountable or self-aware. If I have to worry about your decision making process when I’m not around, then we have bigger issues than another lady turning your head.

Snooping is a no-no too. You should trust that my life is already open to you and some things, like my journal or creative space are for me to share at my discretion.

Like leopards, cheaters never change their spots. It’s like expecting a dog to fly. You can hope for it, but it’s not realistic.

You can still love someone and not trust them. But there is no relationship without trust. Once you cheat all trust is gone. Whether its a moment of weakness or just because. If I married I will try to work at it. There is no easy way around cheating. If its emotions involved with the cheating move on. If its just a fling thats hard to. If they cheated just because they’ll probably do it again.

Okay, I am only commenting to air the other side, cuz I have been a “cheater” in this lifetime, and have broken trust. Yes I think it comes from a bigger issue, since I come from a long line of adultery, and there are many psychological sides to relationships which have allowed men and women to stay together afterward. Many women in my family have still given second and third chances to spouses who have scorned their heart. I do believe trust can be regained, but that is like doing a life-jail-sentence and both parties have to be really dedicated to resolving mistakes and issues. My first step was just regaining my own personal values and getting back to the basics. Honestly, I don’t know what my reaction would be if a woman cheated on me at this point and time, I might be a little more forgiving, depending on many factors. However let’s not throw the success stories out the window as few as they are, there have been some relationships who have successfully survived cheating & trust issues.

Thanx, for sharing your side Maine. But is the trust ever the same post-cheating for you? Do you expect women to trust you right off the bat of they know your past penchant for cheating? And do you give trust from get go in relationships knowing your own ways?

Socks…Relationships always go through their phases through arguments, changes, distance, there are many factors that change the dynamics of a relationship, and cheating is one as well. Trust is never the same post-cheating, but the same way anyone has to gain trust from the get-go, is exactly what happens, you start from the bottom and have to work your way back up, and just like a felon trying to get a job, it is a lot tougher once you have a strike on your record. What I have learned in the relationship world is honesty and taking responsibility gives both people a lot more control over situations. So I don’t expect a woman to automatically trust me right off the bat after I confess, but I would give her the choice to move forward. With anyone new I come across trust has to be earned no matter what I had going on in my past.

Trust is more of an ingredient of love…along with honest, respect and affection…than going hand in hand. Having love without trust is like having lasagna without ricotta cheese…sure it can be done, but its just not going to be the same.

Knotty

i’ve never been a cheater. don’t know about the final-ness of leaving someone because of cheating. kinda gotta get biblical on y’all – him without sin cast the first stone kinda thing. not belittling the seriousness of the broken trust cheating brings. however, you have built something with someone and they truly come with humility and aware of the hurt they caused, forgiving them is part of the highs and lows of a relationship. i do, however, say this is a one time thing. you cheat again, you out the door.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If a person has a penchant for cheating in their past relationships and they’ve cheated on you, then you have your answer right there. That person doesnt want to be monogomous..and instead of staying with that person, snooping tryin to find dirt, and arguing like a broken record.
There is no such thing as forgive and forget. You forgive, but you never forget it. That means you dont learn your lesson out of the whole experience. You remember vital things that could pop up as issues later on down the line.
I believe that everyone should be brought in with a clean slate….and then judged when they screw up. Dont hold a person’s past ways against them unless they give u something in the present to make you leary. Be cautious, NOT dumb.
And ladies and fellas,
if you’re with someone who you have to constantly snoop on, then you dont need to be together…Cuz like I heard it many times before
When You Go Lookin For Something..You’re Gonna Find it…AND Some. Snooping is an assumption that you already dont trust who you’re with..so why bother?
I dont like gettin all biblical..but just like the Bible says “Faith without works is dead”..”Love without Trust is pretty damn similar”.

I do think that it is possible to trust someone after cheating, but it is extremely hard. I was also the cheater in a recent relationship. It was not intentional, it was an accident ( I slept with my X who so happened to be my daughter’s father). It was a long distance relationship, and I had just broke up with my X. After continuing to talk for a year after the incident, we decided to try again. We were together for 10 months, and the reasons why it ended were not because of trust. I did however see that no matter how much time had past ( it was almost 2 years since the incident), this guy never completely trusted me. He saw my daughter’s father as a threat, and believed that deep down I still had feelings for him despite how many times I told him that I was over him. I noticed towards the end of our relationship that as we got closer and more serious about each other, he was a little overprotective of my interactions with him (which he never was like this before). He kept saying that it was because of me and what I did, but I think it also had something to do with his ex-wife and all the girls that was unfaithful to him. He even accused me of cheating when I really wasn’t. Even though he offered to work things out, I decided to move on-what is it worth to work on things if in the end he might not ever trust me. He asked me what I would do if it was me, and I honestly told him that if I tell him that I forgive him then I would do just that. If I felt like I couldn’t, then I would move on.

once he/she cheats its hard 2 forgive and work it out and learn to trust. how can u give someone ur trust when they took it for granted the first time around. constantly ur gonna think wat if…and i wonder…

things will never be the same no matter how much u try

@StoryofaWoman,

No you didn’t just say/write that cheating was an “accident”

I’m not even going to go there with you… LOL

I have been a cheater in every relationship in the past but until my most recent, had not, to my knowledge, been cheated on. I certainly never looked for it. My ex-of-one-week cheated on me. We had been together for a year when it happened, under one roof. I stayed for 2 years TRYING to forget and move on but it has been the most miserable 2 years of my life. I was always feeling like I was witing for the other shoe to drop and had no peace of mind. Finally ended it. The lesson made a non-cheater out of me though as I would never again want to make anyone feel the betrayal I felt and I will certainly never be responsible for another woman feeling the way I was made to feel. Valuable if painful life lesson.

Cheating…as an elder said to me late last week is a “loaded” word.

anyway, I’ve stepped out on one or two relationships over the last few years. I’ve also been a serial monogamous person since 1998- meaning- the relationships never lasted more than 9 mths and could be as short as 3mths. In between i’ve been single more or less and dating freely.

It took me some time to figure out that if I stopped looking for some”one” then I’d find happiness in myself and individuals. My views on life are quite difficult for folks esp women of color and I don’t mince my words (this brother aint getting married by the government and aint getting a divorce should I take that path- spiritual ceremony of life partnership solely around making babies- so lets not even play at the idea is what i tell ladies)

The dynamic around sex and attraction is what has challenged me the most. I love sex in the rawest of ways. For me its about the energetics coupled with a woman’s orgasm (sound/feel) both combined are like a dope hip-hop beat with driving bass hitting in the chest or really smooth upright bass played to acoustic jazz rhythms, the sound of a woman cumming is the only lyric i need.

finding that after 3-6 mths of chillin with a sista I, if not already might want to be with someone else even though I wanted to be with that person (the former) on a day to day basis. I’d end the relationship out of fear of just putting it out there (communicating) and figuring it out with the sista, maybe she could handle it. Mind you I’m from the old-new school pre-gentrification boogie-down bronx/harlem where even the thought of bringing a white girl home then was leading in my mind to a beatdown from sister’s around the way or definite bullshit talk every day. so I had serious fears about talking relationships real.

It’s worth noting I don’t believe in compromise in relationships and I don’t believe in work either, i prefer creative play in all aspects of my life…I’ve had enough work for several generations and work makes life dull and the ship will sink (my perspective). This coming from the last relationship lasting 3 years pre-98 that was a lot of compromise/work with little communication/support though shortie is my love for life.

So what I found is that communication sucks btw the women i’ve dated and myself, the more technological I’ve become the worse the dialogue…Texting, emailing, all no no’s for anything substantial other than a come-thru, hook-up etc to manifest. and that could be long-term.

I had to change my style up in how i talked basically get real and let shit be don’t get all attached to the outcome but be in the moment.

back to cheating… in my most recent relationship I found myself again dealing with the dynamic of wanting to be with another (past, present or future woman/lover makes no diference). The sista I’ve been seeing is very open to talking about stuff though it can be challenging (for me). I told her about my issues with monogamy. Mind you after we did the jump-off the first week (7 days straight) she was like “yo, if you gotta be with someone else, let me know, cause I can’t do cheating and this is some new type fucking i’m doing here”. I was in-absentia on a response b/c I knew it’d eventually come to either my bouncing or having a talk that could be more about work than play. Nevertheless I put my stuff out there, each time the feeling arose.

The first of the year was the second time I spoke on my concerns and said “yo’ i think i may cheat on you and I need to talk about it…so there are no surprises.” Shorty tried to analyze it logically and I was like its just a thing…like an itch…and I gotta fuck someone who has that same itch/energy. Sigh-i’m sure someone now is thinking “black snake moan’ or sexual addict…my views on judeo-christianity and their ideology around sex later and as far as that addict shit, i don’t just stick my dick in anyone. Finally a week or two ago, i said, “I won’t do monogamy anymore at least in the present…so what can we make this situation that works for us both b/c I really want to chill with you but I can’t just be with one person, sexually.”

Thus began the biggest conversation I’ve ever had 3 days of talk, tears, all over phone…after the third I was like this phone shit doesn’t work…we got to do this face to face. We talked more and decided to sleep on it…Great sex..I’m talking great x 4…yay.

The next morning we both acknowledged our love (attraction, interest, thrill, conversation, relating to each other) for one another and also the degree of integrity and respect I want to have in my doings with her and vice versa.

We decided to separate largely b/c the dynamics of open relationship for me are touchy…the sista was coming from a space where she felt she might get played so she wanted to be open as well. Something i’d never disagree with…hell if i’m open why not she or vice versa. However she felt like I was going to eventually leave. We don’t truly know what tomorrow brings b/c it is infinity of myriads of all things always in motion and one step can change anything. I know I want to build with her, but i also accept her logic which is more than intuition in this case. Her emotions giving her the feeling plus familial conditioning, father cheated on mom’s blah blah blah…

Anyway it stands that I’m really into her but i’m moving. distance and monogamy don’t mix and I never kept my dreams (moving, getting land, no marriage) from her nor anyone else…yet I’m wanting to build deeper with her and she is not ready to move.

What to do…just put shit out there and be real. After 4 days of musing and shit not leaving (a sign it needs to be released0…I said I’m considering the option of open relationship…just so she’s not surprised if I brought it up.

One more thing to add, in all the years of my adult understanding of sex and relationships I’ve seen one thing consistently…first let me note…relationships btw humans are beyond the roles of man and woman…I’m seeing shit as m-m, m-w, w-w, w-m, and pick any two and mix. Fuck that no homo- shit talk…let me be frank…anyone one and everyone can step out, its not gender specific nor sexual preference driven.

Back to this one more thing…what i’ve found in my observation of relationships is that the partner cheating 90% of the time wants to be with the person their cheating on fulltime…but they also crave a little diversity. Sexual attraction is real…yet desire to be with one person in 99% of all aspects also is real (my observation over 20 years). By all aspects i’m talking live, make kids, have house, car, blah blah and die with this person by their side.

What I find is that we (humans) spend a lot of energy denying ourselves something which clearly is normal but not defined as normal based on religious and social intertwined morals. And a whole lot of energy judging shit that isn’t and hasn’t changed in the lifetime of human existence. Only recent in human time has this notion of cheating manifested. Check some history, sociology, and anthropology texts, 1000 years aint shit in human existance.

i guess growing up non-Abrahamic (non-christian, muslim, judaic) helps in my situation of defining sex.

But truth be told being honest with myself about the boundaries of monogamy not working was the best thing i’ve done for myself. Mind you readers I’m not into polygamy either…i grew up in that and fuck that bullshit.

anyway that’s that…

be honest and FREE

j-Tall…that’s deep. I totally agree with you though.

I like variety myself.But coming from a woman most men just don’t get it. Your dick is not the only/best dick out there. And some men have a way with whatever that another one doesn’t. ie John can rock my world orally but Mark can give me 3 rounds of insane intercourse. And I may need one technique on Sunday and another on Thursday.

As for cheating…it’s cowardice…pure and simple.I will never forgive it…the relationship is over. Just be single and fuck who you want to when you want to. most folk are “trying” to be monogamous…you can’t try…you just have to be.

I am single because i want variety…but when I’m in a relationship I am singular to a fault ((But very open to menage a trois)) I’m realistic about both our desires.But I don’t respect a man that lies to me and fucks someone else. Cause I’m thinking …”what do I have to lose?” by being single and exploring all my desires…nothing.

“what do I have to lose?” if I’m in a relationship and fucking another dude without his knowledge…A LOT.

I’ve been cheated on and in fact caught the after-matters the condom still in the bed as if you were going to do it you couldnt clean up after yourself but once you cheat I can not trust you and I’ve always been told when you look for shit you find shit so therefore I dont look for it because a guy is going to be a guy and do what he wants to do yea me and him are still together but i dont think I can trust him 100% but I did forgive him but I will never forget what you done and what your capable of doing

I agree that love and trust goes hand in hand, without trust they can be no us.

Been there done that when once the trust was broken so was the relationship.

I’ve never stayed in a relationship where the trust was broken.

Brotha, you are 100% on point with the statement: no trust equal no love. It is impossible to build a healthy relationship without a sincere foundation built upon mutual trust. Although some peeps think there are subs for trust but most end up in unhealthy-dysfunctional relationships and wonder what went wrong. I was a serial cheater in my early 20s until i grew up and matured and figured out just because she is fine and offering up the p@ssy,doesn’t mean you have to take it.

There are three things I hold to the highest power is a relationship:
TRUST (meaning I trust you, you trust me)

HONESTY (kinda of goes hand in hand with the trust thing but folks don’t always get it)

RESPECT

oh and there is a fourth which is highly underrated
TIME

For me it’s like this, remember in high school, or college, your teacher would explain that everyone starts out with an A (100%) and your challenge for the rest of the school year/semester was to keep it there or as close as possible. Everyone starts at 100 with me, whether friend or S.O….and it’s not a set up, like I don’t expect for people to fail but if I have you in my life in the first place that already means I trust you, respect you and have opened myself up to you. Break that and really, you have not only hurt me but placed doubt and second guessing in the back of my mind…coupled with the fact that I have very low tolerance and little patience for certain things in a relationship, this pretty much spells OVER and DONE…

Having been cheated on and having cheated I know just how hard it is to try and patch up what’s been torn. I too believe that cheating (both emotional & physical) is caused from even bigger issues in the relationship that most people are too afraid to admit to themselves. People get too comfortable and are afraid of change and maybe even afraid of being alone even though the person they are cheating on might not be exactly what they want (because if they were, would the person really be cheating?) they stay out of fear.

In my experience of being cheated on the trust was never the same after. I became a crazed madwoman looking for any and everything to help prove my case. Casual conversations about the change in our relationship weren’t giving me the answers I needed because deep down I already knew… before the snooping… before the truth came out. I was just too afraid to accept it wasn’t right.

I’ve been on the other side too… I’ve cheated. It was solely because my relationship lacked something I needed. It took almost 2 years to finally accept that this perfect long-time partner was not what I wanted or needed at the time and to walk away from it. It’s very hard to walk away from someone who loves you so deeply, but if you shared that same love, I don’t think you would be looking elsewhere for fulfillment.

My answer to the title question:

No. Cheat once, goodbye. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

By the way, when I’m in a relationship, I’m always monogamous. I expect the same respect from my partner. I’d never disrespect my partner by cheating. I’d just break things off.

Unfortunately, oftentimes that same respect has not been given to me so the offenders were swiftly given the boot.

J, you can have me and lose me all in one paragraph. You go off into serious tangents. I forgot what the topic was…..

I don’t believe that love and trust go hand and hand, because I believe that you can accomplish both without the other. But I definitely believe that they work great together.

I am different in saying that I give trust from the beginning. I do not believe that anyone should have to earn my trust.

I can speak from both sides, I have been in relationships where I’ve cheated (maybe 2) and I have been cheated on. I’m an honest cheater, If I cheat I will tell you, and then give you the option of making a choice. So there’s no need to snoop… I believe in monogamy.

So I’ve learned over the years in order for me to be in a completely monogamous relationship, I have to connect with the person (mentally, physically, spiritually, and sexually) If one is missing, it won’t take long for me to seek it elsewhere except sexually; since I’m still fairly young I don’t know if sex can go from bad to great with someone.

When people cheat, I always believe that there is something wrong with the cheater, not with the person being cheated on, whether it’s insecurity, fear, or just trying to fake it to you make it.

I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater. I am honest and cheating was something that I did as an adolescent, when I didn’t understand a lot of things about myself and what I wanted.

Now, I know what I want, and I don’t beat around the bush. If you’re not what I want I will say, and if I think about being with someone else I break it off, because that right there is a red flag to me. I’ve been in long relatiionships (years), where it never crossed my mind to be with someone else, not even if that guy pissed me off. So I know once I think to be with someone else, the relationship is doomed.

I believe in love and I believe in honesty. So I forgive indiscretions, and I forget. I don’t guard my heart. I don’t dodge relationships because of what people did in the past before me.

I think that in the first couple of months in a relationship all of the necessary red flags are there, but people tend to overlook them. People don’t wait 5 months down the road to show their true colors, they show you subtly, (Like when you show up at their house with a gift and they know you are coming but they refuse to pick up the phone when you call)…..

I have been in a relationship with someone that lied, and I forgave him everytime, not because I am stupid, but I don’t hold grudges and whether he lied to me or not I was still going to love him. Be his wife/girlfriend maybe not, but my love didn’t diminish.

In my eyes the worst that can happen in a relationship is that you get your feelings hurt, or you get dumped, and since I’ve felt both of those it’s no big deal. No one’s perfect.

everybody cheats. Deal with it. Trust is something that is easy to loose but not easy to get back. Technology has only made cheating easier. I’ve been with dudes who about to hop in bed with me but text their girlfriends I love you. Everyone is full of shit. The only way to avoid cheating is to avoid flirtng. If you are married you have to shut that shit down, or lust will move you to act a fool.

I REALLY, REALLY like this J-Tall person…

I’m in a similar situation…I’m the woman in the relationship. It’s an undefined/open relationship. The sex is amazing and thrill of not knowing what tomorrow brings is all very exciting to me. We just take one day at a time and communicate honestly. Sometimes he’s a bit, brutal and I’m not share if I can handle it. “Cheating” isn’t really something I do. Not saying I’ll never do it. But if I’m that unsatisfied with someone, hell I’ll just move on.

Sometimes though, you just meet people in your travels and the chemistry is just crazy and it is human nature to want to explore it. I really respect people who are firm in their monogamous values/beliefs. But people need to feel FREE in their relationships and their varies from person to person. There truly is a way to have an open relationship and be respectful of each other.

If you really think about it our parents and our parents’ parents relationships lasted much longer than today’s marriages. Why is that? I’m convinced its because when they got bored or got on each other’s nerves, a lot of them cheated, had their fun and brought that ass home to the family they love. Ask your grandparents…they’ll tell you.

Depending on HOW the “cheating/indiscretion” is played out though it can be very damaging and hard to get past. If you’re going to forgive someone, you’ve got to be sincere in that and all your feelings good, bad, and indifferent. Relationships are all about communicating, honestly, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. But that’s what you do when you love someone.

J-Tall sounds like my kinda man! Damn, what ‘chu look like. (just kidding)

This one is funny … trust in any relationship is number one. I dont have a cheating man … (mostly probly bc I dont have a man LOL) but sneaking around behind someone back is sneaking around no matter how you put it and a lot of the time if you had just told the truth to begin with there may not have been any trouble to begin with! Ive had a best friend for the better part of 13 years.

So we been through everything together and when I say everything I mean it all … college, baby daddy drama, losin jobs, losin family members, losin men … legal ish … EVERYTHING!

This past December I introduce her to one of my “friends” I been knowin dude for like 3 years, but he is from outta town so she never met him. To make a long story short they get to myspacin and exchange numbers and whatnot. This isnt the deceitful part to me. I mean its not really cool … but I would never personally put dick between me and my girl.

Dude basically stops talkin to me and a couple weeks later she hit me with the, “Hey I think I really like so and so” LOL … I actually laughed at it bc she came at me like something was really wrong. I thought the dumb broad was gonna tell me she got knocked up or something crazy like that!!! But I wasnt trippin … again, its just dick right?

Sure … but when I said, “The only thing that would piss me off is if you two sneaked around.” This was her golden opportunity to tell me what up. She chose not to take it and it only took me a night to realize … ok, first of all he hasnt been talking to me and then add that with my friend character (which btw I never thought she would be toward me). OHHHH these dirty mutha fuckas!

To stop some of you short … it wasnt about him. It was the principle that she would go behind my back and even when I gave her the opportunity to come clean she chose not to. The fucked me up!

The next day I promptly took her out to dinner … you know, not only to enjoy her company but in case she wanted to get loud. Had a nice meal and then told her that I loved her, I wasnt mad at her … she disappointed me, but if she was capable of being so sneaky and leaving my ass out then it wasnt what I needed in my life.

I think that love and trust are not synonymous but that relationships and trust should be. Like somebody else said before … somebody shit on you once shame on them, they do it twice … shame on you. I just dont see the sense in giving them that second chance. I know this is different bc its just a case of two friends and we dont got no kids … but Id like to think I can trust the people closest to me regardless of that fact.

I just might be the lamest dude on this planet(maybe) but i just dont get why people cheat! How hard is it 2 find 1 person and chill? Or if chilling not your thing then make sure you let the other person know how you feel and they can either roll with it or step! But this is not an attempt 2 bash women but in alot of cases you guys dont stay the same ya’ll pull them 180’s and wonder why your man is seeking the attention(aka some ass) from another women(which i dont condome)

Another thing is date somebody 4 the right reasons. You and your partner should be tight there shouldnt be anything ya’ll cant talk about if he like big asses let him tell you which kinda asses he like if she like tall dark skinned dudes and that dont describe you so what if she with you your doing something right. Dont ever stop being friends. If shouldnt be anything you can discuss with the fellas you cant come home and tell your lady(or ladies your man) any secerts no matter how small only leaves room for mistrust be 100 all the time and if you cant because that person wont let you then that should tell you something about the person you’re with!

I completely agree with the fact that once one of the parties has cheated….true love will be forever tainted. Me being a guy, i know a girl that began to date a guy, they lasted all of 2 days after he took off his mask.

Then…he convinced her to forgive and forget…he then went on to cheat on her with his ex-girlfriend. I personally feel like throwing that guy into a deep pit.

Just thought I’d share.

It is tough to trust someone after they’ve betrayed your trust, but from a personal experience I’ve found that sometimes life can be more complex than you think. I was in a relationship with someone in the military at first he said he didn’t want to commit and I was cool because I wasn’t sure where things would go, then three years later I confronted him and he admitted that he was living with someone, and the main reason was because they had a child, and he wasn’t prepared to leave. I was hurt, but this thing between us was unremarkable. I know you can never truly believe the person but I also have found that they’re lots of people living in relationships where there is no love, and they’re they only because of financial reasons or kids. Over time the intimacy between us was too intense to just walk away, but I know in my heart that it makes no sense to be in such a relationship where I will never the “one” I’m working on breaking it off, but for the first time in my life I’ve been having the most incredible “tantric sex” and all my sense of reason has flown out the door. I will say though that I do agree with the piece and once a person betrays your trust you never ever look at them the same way again, ever.

I am a very young lad and i recently got cheated on. Before we got in a relationship we had been close for a few months and i really enjoyed talkin to her and being with her. We ended up getting into a relationship and i had never felt so happy in my life. She made me feel amazing. I loved her to pieces and wouldnt have ever cheated on her. Anyway, i went away for a week and during that week she had sex with her ex boyfriend who ruined her life for 2 years. he turned her friends against her because she finished with him and i was the one who was always there for her. when she told me, i was badly hurt. she told me on the phone and i hanged up, started crying and punching my door. i had never felt so bad in my life. i felt scared and betrayed. i loved the girl so much. well since she told me, she has been tryin to get back with me. she cries to me and always tells me how much she regrets it and now she tells me the saying is true ” you dont know what you have until you lose it”. well its been a month since we split and we have been talking. i have been over her house a few times and when im with her, it felt like nothing had happened. isnt that love ? or not ?

i just feel as if we could work things out and get back to how we used to be before she cheated. i love the girl to pieces but i dont know what to do. could you please let me know what you think as soon as possible please. thanks x

@adzbey

Damn dude you sound so much like myself. I think the only person that can answer that question is you. You have to decide weither you can trust her or not. You gotta be honest with yourself. If she can convince you she truly learned from her mistake and you can really let it go I would advices you to keep her.

Good luck!

it is hard to try and let go of something which i really care about. she is always phoning me and texting me nice things, she is makin me feel that she really does want to try and make things work. but i dont know what to do. my emotions are so fragile at the moment, if she did anything like that again i dont know how i would cope. she is such a stunning girl, i thought we wouldnt even get into a relationship. but it isnt all about looks is it. she really does make me feel on top of the world when im with her though. we were only with each other for 2 and a half months but i really got to love her. we were close for a few months before that though. she did really hurt me but i do think that she really regrets it and really cares about me. but i still dont know if i could do it. i am a very young boy so any more views on what i should do would be appreciated. thanks x

@ adzbey

Hey, homie, not sure how old you are besides being a “young lad,” but sounds like it’s your first heartbreak and those are always the hardest. Basically, your first love you go in blind and nothing feels as pure as that, but with that comes the pain you eventually feel when/if things don’t work out. It’s all new and hard to deal with.

Whatever you decide regarding your situation is up to you and your heart and feelings, and what you feel you can forgive. The important thing is how you view relationships following this. Some people get hurt and then are so scared to get hurt again that they close off their emotions or become cold in the next relationship. To each his own, but it’s probably isn’t the best course of action. Most definitely learn from your mistakes so you don’t repeat them and don’t be blind to love, but still try to remain open to giving and receiving love.

In regards to your cheating ex, it really is up to you to see if that’s something that you’re willing to forgive and possibly forget. Best thing is to talk it out.

Good luck

adzbey,

it does sound like first love we all hit shit and punched through walls, ill admit ive done it, but hey time heals all wounds, u will be fine with or without this girl, its all a matter of asking urself is she worth it? if not, then remove her from ur life…im going through the same thing i dated a girl for a two and a half years and then she came clean she kissed a guiy and he slept over 6 months ago…as of now i realized life is too short to keep people like that around..hey maybe one day things might work out between us but dont keep someone like that in your life unless something life-altering happens to them

i also forgave a cheater ,we were separated for a year after being together for 6 years after a few arguments he left one day i got home from work and all his things were gone. he said he needed some time alone to think ,he was with some girl that i knew from her sister whom i worked with it seems to me that they already had something that’s why he left me. he says no he met her when we were separated, anyways i was hurting so much we had a daughter he would call me every day but i never knew he had this girl the whole time he said he was alone. he always gave me money for my daughter and always called me i would tell him why if he loved he wasn’t with me he would just say we will be together just give me some time to make things right that went on for a year. soo after so long of hearing this bs i decided to go out with someone else he found out he was so upset he was even crying. he was hiding the girl from me and the fact that he was sick he had a tumor in his head, after he found out about the guy he told me about the tumor so i told him i would take him to the Dr and but he wasn’t able to get the operation at that hospital,so he refused to go to another Dr after that he said he would move back in with me and he did but acted diff in bed he would get up and go to the couch he would always take his phone ,well one day he went to the living room and he left the phone i grabbed it and found a woman’s name so i called it she said that he was her man for a year now and i said why is he in my house if that’s your man she said bcuz we are separated he itold me he would go live with a friend that was helping him with the problem he was going through so i told her no he is with me his wife so she remembered me and she went off on me ,i woke him up and told him to leave my house and go with his new woman he stood quiet and kept asking me to forgive him but i told him to just leave when he was driving he got sick and went to the emergency so i went to see him and took care of him the whole time he was sick when he got out he came back to my house and i forgave him we have been together for 2 years now but i don’t trust him anymore i forgave but i never forget.

@Anonymous

Wow! That’s a crazy story, you’re a better person than me with the amount of second chances you gave that dude. Doesn’t sound like he deserved it or you, IMHO

Thanx for sharing.

just let it go! its been a year dont use it as a crutch…says the cheater to his partner of 4 years.
comparing two senarios of cheating…one of a druken one night stand and that of a full blown 9 month part time living situation with holidays at family and friends.
while all along you sit at home being told that you are screwing up the relationship because he cant be with you if you dont trust him while he is working.
or its a family event that only family takes part in or the family member is hospitalized/sick/needing care.
only to find out through photos, videos, and from the women herself that they were on boating trips, desert trips, and family/friends were lead to believe that you were long gone, using such names as stalker and/or crazy ex gf.
start a fight in order to justify a weekend without having to provide any aliby.
the scenarios are endless. each one full of anger, hurt, disbelief, and gut renching feeling of loss. it changes you forever.
especiially when told that you are the one pushing him away…because you question him about the red blouse or the receipts for 2 meals you found while doing his laundry.
the mind f#@k is so extreme that you dont trust yourself and than you believe that he ate 2 meals and dressed in womens clothes.
and actually made yourself trust him because you loved him and thought it was your issues that he put you down all the time.

describing the above doesnt even come close to describing the events as they unfolded. pure hell that denied over and over again for almost a year.

one day he says he really messed up and wanted to be forgiven and make things right. he would stick through the recovery process though he was living in antarctica for a year.
email, text, webcam, and when he decided to call the communication to rebuild a shattered relationship.

let it go or it wont work. you have to trust me.

easy enough being isolated from the world. no need to be worried about temptations on the ice..only penguins and seals….right?

buzz…oh no sorry wrong again.
only when the patterns change and/or your limited personal time is filled with distractions of pages, phones calls, knocking on the door…the camera lens is shut or frozen. hmmmm…

time off he says is spent with guys from the shop and eat and bed.

trust me he says. what do you think i can do down here? you have to trust me.

so you educated yourself by reading the blogs/journals of those with him. ouch!

the rumors are plentyful…
and usually hold some truth.
rumor has it sleeping with 5 girls?

he says that is false. trust me he says.
just let it go! you are living in the past. live in the future! cant have a future unless you let go of the past! trust me.

and i did.
he came home for a week, left for a week, came home for a week, left for a month, came home for a week, and i didnt feel the love that was in the emails…longing to be with me after a year….so i snooped. hated doing it…and snapped when i …

recently found a card in a book that was called
the five love languages how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate.
the card read…
hi #$%^ i am gone and i am sure that i am missing you. i hope you are ok. i love you! lots!
hopefully we will see each other real soon.
dont stop loving me! love #$%^&

he says i read too much into it. she is a friend and nothing more. trust me he says. i am with you not her.

he says i am destroying the relationship…i wont let the past go. trust him. trust him.

I DONT.
SHOULD I?
HOW DO YOU REBUILD TRUST AFTER READING THE ABOVE?

p.s.
cheaters suck!
the truth is a priceless gift

i screwed myself when i forgave him but i had
faith and believed.

damn i need therapy…
and he moves on to the next one.

maybe he will run into my friend, Karma someday?

I believe that cheaters can be forgiven. I think that they should be forgiven. What if it takes 100 times and then they are truly sorry? I don’t believe I’m wrong about my view. My views are my views, and that is how peace can be achieved. It may take a while to forgive the cheater, just give them as many chances as THEY need.