Don’t Listen to Her, Listen to Him
In 1992, John Gray, Ph.D. published a book called, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Although I never read the book, I believe what he was trying to convey with that phrase is that the sexes are so different emotionally/mentally that they’re practically worlds apart. I’ve found that to be most true when it comes to communication. In terms of male/female verbal interaction, I abide by a pretty simple rule: Listen to what a man says, not what he does, and listen to what a woman does, not what she says. (Of course actions of “doing” can not actually talk or “say” anything, but let’s just overlook that structural sentence flaw in my saying for now—thanx).
Anyway, I mentioned this philosophy to a female friend the other days and she was quick to fire back, “But I thought you’re supposed to judge a man by his actions.” True, in a general sense, but when it comes to relationships and intimacy, I beg to differ. Let me elaborate…
Let’s say a guy and a girl meet and start to date/hang out/chill—for clarity’s sake we’ll call them Jack and Jill. Now, when Jack met Jill, he told her that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. Jill says the same thing and the two start “hanging out.” This non-relationship continues for a few months and they eventually become intimate. At this point Jack reiterates his stance of not looking for a relationship. Once again, Jill concurs and says that she can have sex with no strings attached. She may say the words, but chances are she doesn’t mean it because very few females are wired that way.
As this undefined affair continues, Jack showers Jill with flowers “just because,” he calls her regularly, he meets her friends, and they both have clothes and other personal items at each other’s house. Jill, who willingly agreed to no-strings-attached status, starts to perceive Jack’s actions as signs that he wants more, despite his constant verbal declarations of the contrary. See, Jill has stopped listening to what Jack is saying, and is instead focusing on what he does. This is where most ladies make a fatal assumption.
Despite the total and utter illogicality of Jack’s conflicting signals, Jill should not assume that he is ready for a relationship. Why? Because Jack made himself perfectly clear from jump and has remained unwavering in that decision ever since. His actions have nothing to do with his statements. Jill should listen to what he said (and continues to say) not what he does.
On the flipside of this scenario, is Jill, whose actions are not aligning with her own statements. Each time Jack reiterates his desire to remain single, Jill has agreed and offered up a similar assessment of their dealings. Still, the proverbial strings that she said would not exist between them are slowly starting to pop up left and right. Jill gets jealous when Jack goes out with his boys, she subconsciously cut off lines of communication with other potential suitors and she has become visibly territorial regarding Jack and other women. Although Jill says she doesn’t want anything more, her actions and emotions are suggesting otherwise. In this instance, Jack has to listen to what Jill does and not what she says.
Despite the total and utter illogicality of the conflicting signals, Jack should not take Jill at her word regarding a relationship when her body language is saying so much more. Why? Because Jill is only telling Jack what she thinks he wants to hear. Deep down inside she knows those words are hollow and false. Her actions are a reflection of her true feelings. With so much of her emotions invested in their non-labeled relationship, Jill would probably accept Jack’s offer for a true relationship in a heartbeat if he asked.
Now just to clarify, I’m not endorsing the idea of a woman waiting around forever for a man to make up his mind about her. No, that’s not my message at all. What I mean when I say listen to what a man says, not what he does and listen to what a woman does, not what she says, is this: If a man tells you over and over again that he doesn’t want a relationship, chances are very slim that he will waver from that decision anytime soon. Sure, he may act like he wants one by doing sweet things and expressing himself to you emotionally, but more credence should be given to his actual statements. He told you from jump what he wanted and what he expected; so how can you fault him for holding true to his word? He held up his end of the agreement and never changed, while the other party tried to change the rules mid-game.
See, women can go on for days about how they can have sex with no strings attached, but from my experience there are only a select few people (regardless of being male or female) that can actually adhere to that philosophy. The simple fact of the matter is the more physical intimacy you have with a person the more attached you get. Men are just better at detaching emotion from the physical. So fellas, if a woman tells you she isn’t looking for a relationship, but acts differently, chances are she wants a relationship. She’s just hoping you change your mind or is no longer listening to what you’re saying and paying more attention to your actions. I’m not saying that every man won’t or can’t change their mind, but don’t hold your breath, ladies, just listen.
Did my philosophy make any sense? Or did it come off like a crock of shit? Is it impossible for women to have sex with no strings attached? Is a man wrong for acting like he wants to be in relationship even when he constantly says he doesn’t want to be in one?
Speak your piece….
“Don’t Listen to Her, Listen to Him”