Personally i think domestic abuse is a cowardly act. I think it just shows the person’s immaturity and their lack of ability to control their emotions. Its just a bad situation. I think more laws need to be implemented to help prevent it. Also i think more of these abused women need to step up. Because you might not have power by yourself but if many people come together the man or men can beat down all of yall. LOL but yeah i cant say that ive ever been in a situation like this and i hope i never do get into this situation.

I am so glad a man recognizes that domestic abuse is not just physical it’s mental and verbal. I been in a verbal abuse situation that I quickly cut short. It’s no fun at all but unfortunatly some misguided individuals look at abuse as love because of the attention they are getting from the person at the moment.

In agreeance with lilah, thanks for pointing out that emotional abuse can hurt as well as the physical. In many instances, it is worse because u cannot see with the blatant scars or bruises, they are deep within; they cut into the spirit of a person. I can attest to this because my father verbally and emotionally abused my mother for 24 years, I am 23 myself. And yes no matter how hard one tries to avoid being like their parents, u pick up things unknowingly as a child, thats why I find myself getting in and out of emotionally abusive relationships. But it has to stop somewhere because i dont want my daughter(s) to have to experience such pain. I just want more awareness for emotional abuse, because usually thats where the physical begins.

Well I was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship for 3 years and that is something I never thought would happen to me. I was married to a 359lb man that had a temper out of this world. At 1 point I blamed myself for the abuse but then I realized nothing I said or did could ever amount to him abusing me. SO I started to fight back. I remember one day we faught for about 2 hours. I’m not the type of woman that will let you hit me and not hit you back that’s just not me. I admit I did some thing to him that could have sent me to jail for a long time but Only God knew what I was going through. I never had any physical bruises or anything he was very smart not to do that. But my body would be sore for days. No women deserves to be beaten for any reason at all. I was blessed enough to get out and I vowed never to go through that again. Some of us aren’t so lucky. So now when I meet nice guys i’m very cautious and always fearful. I just have to take it a day at a time. Because I don’t wanna miss my Mr. Right because of what I went through with Mr. Wrong.

Just like a bully, abusers have insecurities within themselves so they take it out on those who they view as weaker and more inferior. Adults who abuse are, in my opinion, immature and out of control cowards.

Madea, in one of the many plays, said it best (not ver betum): “If a man puts his hands on you, do the following: tell him you are going to call the police on him. If he stops or leaves HE IS A PUNK THAT NEEDS A GOOD ASS KICKING, BUT if he hands you the phone or dials it for you, YOU NEED TO RUN BECAUSE HE IS CRAZY!!

This isn’t a joke but Madea (Tyler Perry) is good at making serious situations meaningful but funny.

Shanika
xoxoxo

Abusers usually pick people without a support network or work to isolate them from the people who love them. Truth be told, you can usually see the signs that someone would morph into the crazy before it develops. It happens in stages. Is this person irrationally jealous? Clingy? Super intense? Do they always pitch a fit when you want to do things that don’t include them? Do they hate/have problems with your friends? Most importantly, do they respond respectfully to your “No”? If you aren’t able to spot the signs yourself, it’s good to have friends in your corner who love you enough to call it like they see it. If you see your friend getting involved with someone who seems to be that kind of extra, speak your piece. It might cause tension, it might be a little ugly, but at least you will have planted the seed letting that person know they aren’t alone.

The emotional abuse usually starts long before the physical and once that’s locked, the violence isn’t far behind.

Women are killed by their loved ones on a daily basis. Those that aren’t either find themselves in situations they can’t leave or end up doing something drastic in order to escape. The number of women in prison who have killed their abusers is not a small amount.

On the flipside,men who are abused are also at a disadvantage because there aren’t as many resources to support them and there’s the unspoken sentiment that there’s no way they can be victims.

People find themselves in abusive situations for myriad reasons and leaving isn’t always that easy. As a friend, the best you can do is be there. Talk them into pressing charges, getting into therapy and offer them your couch to stay on if they need it.

ive heard and seen that some women see the abuse as their man showing how much they care….like on some, “he cares enough about me to get upset rather than not care at all” shit…and it is a learned behavior by both parties sometimes unfortanately….sometimes women who came up around abuse will provoke their nice, decent, respectful boyfriends into doing that shit, knowingly and unknowingly, its kinda weird like that. i myself have never hit a woman, im just going off what ive seen and been told.

Didnt read this whole thing, but i got the jist from the first paragraph and a half.
1st let me say, i dont condone hittin a woman, i do believe it is wrong, and you should not do it. However, I have come to see that the reason some of these guys do isnt always because they are cowards. (well they are cowards, but its more than that) Some women unfortunately for them respond to this kind of behavior and the men they attract feed off of it and use it as a form of control. Some women unfortunately have given these guys a get out of jail free card when it comes to beating their asses, and it sadly just becomes part of their routine. Women have to remove themselves from this mindset before they can remove themselves from these relationship …

but yes, you are a bitchass nigga if you hittin a female. I would punch a whole in a nigga if he ever touched one of my sisters.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for four years (four years ago). It’s taken that long to heal. It’s still hard to admit and there is some amount of shame associated with abusive relationships which is part of the reason why people stay in that situation so long.

It was all good in the beginning. I believe he choose me because I was (am) an outspoken, intelligent woman…a prize. I had my own issues going on so I was blind in a way too. (blaming myself still I guess) I had some serious fear of abandonment issues stemming from the devastating loss of my son’s father. I thought I was going to lose him too.

His abuse was very subtle. In the beginning, he seemed so positive in spirit. But when we started living together I saw the real him. One day I told him that the rent was due and I really needed more help from him finanically and he went OFF. His lack of support had been a real issue. Yet, he was always running around handling business for himself. Why won’t you help me I asked? He threw a wine bottle at my ankle and picked me up by my neck. The neighbors heard the fist fight that ensued. It was pretty awful. He apologized repeatedly and never put his hands on me again. Maybe cause he knew I’d fight his ass, so he found other ways to get to me. He was a real coward. We broke up for a few weeks before the honeymoom period resumed and he was kind for a while. But I started to see the cycle and the signs. A girlfriend of mine encourage me to read up on domestic violence and emotional abuse. I had never even heard of emotional abuse. I thought it was normal to have to have occasional verbal spats.

Why did I stay for so long? We had a child together and I didn’t want to be THAT woman with two baby daddies. Plus, I come from a family of strong women. My father never hit my mother. Being the intelligent woman that I am, I thought I could somehow “fix” the relationship if I tried harder to communicate my needs and understand his point of view as a Black man. What bullshit.

Once I realized that was never going to happen and that my children were watching, it was a wrap. I wanted my children to see a healthy, loving relationship between their parents not the dysfunctional bullshit I was exposing them to. I had to take responsibility for their future. They felt fearful and one day I could see it in their eyes. They were my motivating force to end it.

The biggest signs for me: He had no empathy for me and was very unsupportive. He seemed somber when I was doing well. He always made me feel like his negative reactions were my fault because “I didn’t know how to speak to him like a man” (that really made me cuss him out) and lastly I felt like I was the one who was crazy. He often told me that I was. The biggest sign should have been the fact that his mother was abusive to him as a child and he was abused in foster care. He had a very turbulent relationship with his mother. Ending our relationship was detrimental to my happiness and I learned so much about myself from the experience.

To this day, I refuse to involve myself with a man who does not have a good relationship with his mother. Emotional abuse is real and every man and woman should be up on it. Please read a book or do a google search online if you think you are in an abusive relationships and find some supportive friends and family (ideally some bout it bout it brothers or uncles) to help you free yourself.

I’m loving you and these recent posts Ans. Thank you for bringing this up and into the light. At first, I thought I’d post anonymously but nah… I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

W O W!!! Wonderful topic. This is a subject very dear to my heart. 3 yrs later and I still have open wounds and scars from my ex-husband hitting me once. I was in his way and so to move me he hit me with his car door three times. I have never in my life been so angry. God loved me dearly that day because I was in the garage and if he hadn’t drove away I might be writing this comment from the pen. The worst part about it was I never thought something like this would or could happen to me. The shame is just now slowly subsiding. I am a psychology major and hope someday soon to be a psyciatrist. I now am so glad that it did happend to me. Before I wondered like most of u why women stay…I don’t wonder anymore. I did care deeply for my exhusband/maybe it was addition due to my abandonment issues but it was so hard cutting our marriage off 17 days later. I went thru 3 months of depression (divorce and abuse related). I came out a better person and woman. Before the abuse I had low self asteem. I had always vowed that I would not let a person (let alone a man) put his hands on me. I witnessed a horrific moment in my mothers life (a whats love got to do with it – car scene moment). There was so much blood and the fear I had…overwhelming and unbearable. Being that I was always a smart ass, my uncle always told me to watch my mouth or atleast make sure I have enough room to run when I decide to cut a man down (which I didn’t do much but did well when motivated). This mentality led me to believe that if a man hit me it was probably my fault. One of the comments previous illuded to this…well I have to say to that person u r wrong and I hope u don’t teach that to anyone else. I have wanted to hit many people in my life but I turned and walked away. Once I would have been lawfully justified but I took the high road. Abuse is no joke and last a lifetime. I currently don’t have relationships with family members because of emotional abuse. So I just wanted to share my story and say education is key, shame and silence only perpetuates that behavior. I am and never will be at fault and I am not a bad or dump person for “letting someone put their hands on me”. I will now be able to counsel other women on abuse and for them, I am grateful for my experience. I was strong enough to get out but no everyone is, so don’t question, pray, help (pursue insistenly) and educate.

I just wanna say I think you are a hero 4 allowing women to be able to talk about their situations,I on the other hand have been with my abuser for over 10 yrs now and I dont know how to leave He has calmed down tremendously but I still walk a fine line I love my husband alot and I have been isolated from my family and old friends so the signs that are mentioned I have seen them all so all I can ask is that you continue to allow women like me to vent and maybe one day the talking will give me or someone else the strength do the walking.Love always.

Thanx for sharing your story MsMinkChocolate. I pray that you get out of your situation sooner than later. And don’t make excuses for your abuser, there is no scenario in my mind that plays out where he is right for abusing you.

Always, remember that no one can do anything to you that you do not allow them to do. If you’ve allowed someone to give you 10 years of hell, prepare to give YOURSELF 10 years of heaven away from that.

whatever you do and however this plays out, be safe and stay blessed.

You’re in my prayers

I was in a relationship for five of six years and it took many beatings a scar to my face a broken arm & finger before I finally put an end to it. I don’t fully blame my parent’s for the fact that I put up with it but did watch them have major fights @ 2 to 3 times a year and I was always the one in the middle trying to save and comfort my poor mom. I think that in the back of our minds we put up with it not only because it’s what we know but as stupid as it may sound the abusers behavior can put you in a state of mind where you may feel that there is no way out, you don’t want anyone else to raise your children, or maybe you fear that you will not find someone to “so call” love you, like you feel he does….your self esteem may also be dragging or the biggest reason why we all stay, which is the thought, the faith and that he will change and not hurt you again. The truth is that women don’t take the time out to really study mens behavior. I believe women find this difficult because they are to involved with all the nice things that a man may be doing at the time, so we fail to see the signs of an abuser. My experience with Being a victim of domestic violence has shown me, that once they feel they can have this kind of control over a woman, it over powers them and makes them feel like they are in charge. My advise is if he pushes, shoves, yell or curses at you, (PLEASE….. PLEASE…. PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS) chances are this behavior will turn violent very quickly if you don’t put a stop to it. This may cause your our loving and naive children to become abusers or victims themselves. While staying in a abusive relationship we may just be passing our true blessing of love. “EXAMPLE TO CLOSE TO HOME AND TOO PAINFUL TO MY HEART” In August of 2007 my god brother, killed his beautiful 20 year old girlfriend in her mothers apartment in NYC while she was on vacation from college. I do not know exact details because I’m sooooo…… bothered by his actions that I can not even think of talking to him, also being a victim and being so close to death myself, I can not forgive him for taking her life….. from what I understand things got out of hand. He hit her braking her nose, then suffocated her, he wrapped her face in towels and her body with sheets, then he stuffed her body between the bed and the wall, and left her for dead; to be discovered 3 days later decomposing. Her friends knew that her relationship with him was not a good one, R.I.P TUMMY I feel she may have ignored or maybe did not know how to handled the first signs of him being an abuser. We as friends and family of victims need to stay in touch and not give up on our loved ones who are going through similar situations. Abusers have the tendency of keeping their partners from being in tuned with their family and the rest of the world, for their own convenience and other paranoid and possessive reasons. Having three daughters and being a victim myself, I will be very active and concerned to teach them right from wrong and not to ever settle for less than the best. To all the women facing this life changing situation, always remember that you are better and deserve better. That there is help and hope ,know that you are not the only one coping with this ordeal, know that in order to receive help you most reach out & want to put a stop to it, because until you do so, it will only get worse. we have to aspire for better things in life. Z.J Much Love & Be Blessed

The thing that made me leave was hearing my son say “daddy don’t kill my mommy” we were in an argument. We’d always fought like animals and argued and alot of it was infront of our children. When I heard my son say that it broke my heart to say the least. I was gone that day, I had left before but this time I did not go back. It’s been 5 or 6 months now.

I click on the link that was on another article. I am a female that believe that a man should not lay his hand on a defenseless woman.
But also some woman need to understand that male species are human too so if you are having an argument with a man, don’t sucker punch the guy. Think of it as this, if you are having and argument with another female and you raise your hand to her, the argument will become phyisical . This is thesame as having an argument with a male. Most woman are stronger than their man but because the society says that a man is stronger than a woman do not give us female the right oi result into violence when having a disagreement with our men. IF CAN’T TAKE WHAT YOU ARE DISHING OUT, DON’T DO IT.
There are some women out there that are truly being abuse my their love ones but because society generalized abuse as a man beating on a woman (forgetting that she started the fight and cry abuse after the man decise to save his life and defend himself).
Basicly, HITTING A WOMEN is wrong when the women is defenseless (include hitting her because she says something hurtful) but justifiable if the women hit you first. Another thing I can say is that, your WORD can do more damage to other human than your fist.