News Flash: Men Fake Too

Let me let you ladies in on a little secret, some men have been known to fake orgasms. Yes, you read correctly, a man can fake an orgasm too. Don’t believe it? You’re looking at one right now who has. (Technically you’re reading about one but no need arguing over semantics). I know that I can’t speak for every man, and maybe I’m alone in my handful of fake orgasms, but yup, I’ve faked the Big O.

I know the question running though most people’s minds right now is: “Why would a man need to fake it?” Same reason women do, to protect their partner’s feelings. Whenever I talk to my female friends about this topic it always seems to come as a big shock that a woman can be wack in the sack. Despite popular belief, just being there is NOT enough. Just as men can be a lame lay so can the fairer sex.

The woman who will undoubtedly go down as My Worst Partner Ever was a hollow log in the bedroom. She was someone I dealt with a few years back and just laid there like a blowup doll (not that I know how a blowup doll feels or anything). There was no caressing of the back. It was a struggle to move her from one position to the next—let alone get her on top and do some damn work. Cute girl, nice body, crazy intelligent, but just plain wack in the sack (Yawn!). But not one to hurt anyone’s feelings I faked it. Ooooh, oooh, baby, ooooh.

Initially I figured the first time was just jitters, so I gave her another shot. Wack squared. Third time’s the charm, right? Wrong! Wack cubed. Despite her lack of mobility in the bedroom she apparently enjoyed herself and got her rocks off, so I guess I can find some solace in knowing that at least one of us got something out of the experience. But yes I faked—thrice, and sadly it wasn’t my first time.

The first time I faked was actually way early on in my boning evolution. Me and my then-girlfriend had just gotten back together after a brief break. We hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks and hadn’t had an opportunity to have makeup sex yet, but we finally made plans for her to come out to my house and we both knew the deal. Mind you this was back in the Jodeci era, so I answered the door in a khaki green vest with no shirt on and my bird chest all exposed trying to be sexy. (I’m laughing just thinking about that one).

We chill for a bit and then I try to make a move, but she fronts. Okay, playing hard to get I see. Try to make a move again, same thing. She’s like, “Let’s watch a movie or something.” I’m never the one to go anywhere I’m not invited, so I cease and desist and begrudgingly pop in some random movie in the VCR (that stands for video cassette recorder for those that forgot).

Anyway, time goes by and the movie finishes. I look at the clock and I’m like, “We should probably start getting ready to leave, my mom will be home in like and hour and a half or so.” All of a sudden, her whole vibe switches up. “W-w-what? What time is it? What time does she come home? Why don’t you come sit down next to me for a bit….” Mentally, I had cut off all ideas of sex going down and just wasn’t in that zone anymore. But I am a man, and pussy is pussy, so I sat down. She made a move and we got it on right there on the living room floor (Remember rug burn?).
Just some good ol’ clean teenaged romper room action for sure. Problem was all the games and frontin’ on her man of two-and-a-half years had totally turned me off. Yeah, I came but there was no extra tingle, no orgasm, so I faked one. Oh, oh, yeeeeaaahhh, damn, baby…. blah, blah… ooohhhh.

It wasn’t that she was wack or anything, cause she always did her thing, but I just wasn’t mentally into it as much as I should have that particular time because of the preliminary mind games and frontin’. At the end of the day we all know that sex is more mental than it is physical and this was a prime example of that ringing true. This was my girl for years so she knew how I responded when we got down, so she sensed something was off and I wasn’t my usual self but I don’t think she thought that I faked it, but who really knows. (Fuck! I hope she doesn’t read this one….DOH!)

Thankfully, the need for me to fake has been few and far between. But every time I tell a chick one of the above stories they always look at me like, “What, a woman can be wack?” or “Oh, my God, men fake too?” For the record, yes and yes. Then again, I may be alone, but I’m sure just as a few brothers need to step their game up in the bedroom, some of you ladies got to as well. Put your back into it, move around, squirm, scratch a back, bite on a chain, do something, cause sometimes just being there is not enough. More importantly, though, stop frontin’ cause that’s shit is a turn off. If you wanna fuck, then fuck, especially if it’s ya man, boo, jump-off or whatever. What’s the point in holding back and potentially turning him off to the point where dude has to fake it and winds up labeling you wack? Do you really wanna be known as someone’s Worse Experience Ever? I didn’t think so…